The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
XA just emailed me. Like a status update of his life and how some of his past caught up with him. Totally irrelevant to my life...part of me wants to reply and say sorry to hear, too bad on that, and congrats on another chip.
I MUST NOT REPLY. My side of the street is quiet and life is calm. Grief is hard, but no trust and using and chaos is worse!
Send me ESH PLEASE! F2F isn't for 8.5 hours...
Note to self....watch what you talk to HP about. Seems like only a few days ago I was posting a note to XA just so I didn't reach out, but also said I wished he would.
I have a lot of experience of this. I try not to do things I realize will bring me undesired results.
My successes have come from praying to do what I know will be in my best interest. I imagine nurturing my quiet knowledge deep inside me. That takes the noisy monkey out of the room for me.
I think of steps 3 and 6: "made a decision to" and "were entirely ready to have God". These were my groundwork before I could stop scratching that itch. I had to be willing not to indulge in the temporary relief of taking the action, in your case it's responding. What did I get from it? Was it helping me overall? Was I ready to give up the short term high for the longer term serenity I needed? Ouch - that's work.
In the meantime, "when in doubt, don't" (as Jerry's late sponsor Don T. has taught us).
I am so glad my xah did not try to play those
Games. My mental and emotional health had
Been thru enough, mostly he ran the other
Direction when he saw me. He literally leaped
In his truck and zoomed away.
I think i would Do that now that i live away from
him and do Not want to open up my wounds that
are starting To heal.
My xah and i had limited email contact after the
divorce. Mostly i was just be dealing with stuff
and just Let him know afterward. He never responded
back which Was just as well. I was always polite and
business Like. We had a veneer of civility only.
So if you do respond keep it simple and do not
Encourage him further.
I still struggle yet there is nothing worthy of me
To go back to, it was all destroyed, Faith,trust,
Honor, respect, love and honesty. He has no
Remorse only guilt and shame.
I have an alcoholic/addicted brother who used to fill up my Facebook posts, email and voicemail. I finally had to block him. I took me a long time to create my boundary and I realized that I needed to protect it. He can't manipulate you without your permission.
Could you block him on your email? Build your fence?
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Thank you all. I just need the strength to not respond period. It doesn't matter if it was a good or bad reply...he wants attention and the opportunity to manipulate. How I feel right now, I could reply and be nice and nasty at the same time. Good for him for having some success, too bad about stuff, hey go tell your new woman cause this doesn't matter to me....blah blah blah. He does not get my energy, well at least that he gets to know about ;)
Mirandac, it is like you said. Everything is gone that was good. He did to me what he'd done to other women in his past, and he will do them to the next one. It's just the nature of his disease, and other underlying issues that he fails to address using his own recovery program.
Will look into email blocking...think I have to call my internet provider.
Not my monkey! Not my circus! 6 hours til F2F....times like this make me wish I found a sponser already! Thanks for all you filling in right now ((hugs))
HP is mysterious. I went and checked my mail and a bronze Al Anon chip arrived that I ordered, along with a second free gift. It is just like an AA Chip, only no date. Just a pocket sized reminder of the Serentiy Prayer with a ocean scenery (my choice) stamped on the front.
Thats what we are here for! To help
You get over the hump. I had lots of
humps and bumps :)
Pick a sponsor wisely, try to find one
That is spiritually healthy, working her
program, Not controlling and has empathy
and compassion Without being a push over.
My temporary sponsor does not fit that
Bill and generally caused more pain and
Hurt to me.
I have a very good friend who attended alanon
For years and had an abusive marriage, she did
the DV Therapy, she is my sounding board, she
steers Me, helps me. It is not ideal yet it seems
to work.
God will plant the right sponsor at my feet.
I seem to have a problem finding the right
One.
The best part about working on ourselves is we get to decide IF we respond, HOW we respond and WHEN we respond. I try hard to not analyze anybody else's motives, but keep the focus on mine. He may/may not be seeking attention. He may/may not be trying to manipulate. He may/may not want more and he may just wanted to reach out. Trying to figure out why is pointless. Look for the good wherever you can find it.
And, keep your focus on you. You may decide to respond, you may not. If you do, say what you need to say calmly without being mean. But trying to over-analyze the message and his intent will just turn the stinking thinking back on, which we work hard to turn off.
(((Hugs))) - hope your meeting was fantastic! Congrats. on your coin/chip - sounds like a great idea!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I built a moat to keep all the bad guys
Away so i could heal and grow. I still
have it up And will leave it in place till
I am much stronger.
Self protection especially from abuse
Or harmful people. I am learning the art
Of Discernment even in alanon. There are
People in life that just are not healthy and
They will not help you on your journey. I
Try to be around upbeat healthy people
Especially when i was grieving i needed
Nuturing people only.
Keep mbracing alanon ftf mtgs all of the
Learnings and teachings it Takes time. Really
Working and understanding steps 1,2 and 3
You Will Be on your way in recovery. It really
Is amazing.
Take off the cape and read a book lol..sometimes you have to love people from across the street..I am grateful that my lives a good hour away and if he does have a crisis there is nothing I can do about it.
When I feel the need to help out..I say to myself..I'll respond in an hour..
Thanks everyone :) I'm not going to respond. Even if I could say something positive, there are still a lot of negatives I need to work past. We had broken up before this, and something I had said was that I'm not leaving because your an addict, I'm leaving because you always lie to me. Sadly some of those biggest lies were about infidelity. So that is my next question...I was reading through C2C and ODAT, and never found anything on that subject. Closest I came was not having to accept unacceptable behaviour. Anyone have a page suggestion from those two readers?
I think that's what bothered me the most with that email yesterday. I didn't need to receive his life update when he cheated and then ran off with someone from AA. Even with detachment, acceptance, letting go, I just want to say hey, you have a new woman, and your own program to share your life events with so just leave me alone. I don't think I'm wrong...yes maybe new to Al Anon tools, but also human and still hurting. My wounds are slowly healing and I don't want them to reopen. Need to protect myself...and some wounds did open cause there have been some tears again :/
Good news is I didn't react like I normally would And that is HUGE for me. I'm pretty good at a war of words with those who I "think" have wronged me so I tried something new. I acted...posting here and getting my butt to a F2F. All action, no reaction to A. Thank you MIP and Al Anon for helping me.
Ocean Tide I like how you are processing this event and validating yourself and your principles.
I agree if I were to respond, I would do as you suggested : "hey, you have a new woman, and your own program to share your life events with so just leave me alone. "
Alanon never asks us to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others. There are many reading in the Courage to Change on subject of " Trust " and that might help you to clarify your thoughts.
So I just replied after a couple days of thinking, chatting with friends here and in the flesh, and HP. I used my own quote about sharing life events with his list of people and not to contact me. I was polite and wished him well, and was not mean. I was not going to reply but it was suggested that by not replying, and articulating my boundary of don't contact me, that I was potentially condoning the behavior of it's OK to email me. I must be learning something from this program! I said what I meant, meant what I said, and did not say it mean. Lol old me would not have done that!
Betty thanks for the C2C reading. Pg 232 is me in a nutshell.
Good going Oceantide. You made the right move,
You should be proud of yourself. I know how much
This all Hurts. I still struggle daily, detaching is the key,
embracing alanon and your HP for inner strength And
self love. You are a true work in progress.
WTG - and .... how super cool that you used your program and tools to do what you wanted/needed to do when you wanted/needed to do it! Hurray for progress and hurray for program!
Be proud of where you are and keep working to honor yourself - you deserve it!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
