Al-Anon, the 'latest' reason it's over... - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-Anon, the 'latest' reason it's over...

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((rtexas))) Maybe HP has something in mind to help you each get healthy.

I have been devestated by my A's moving out of our home, staying gone, it been over 2 weeks now.

But, I cannot make him love me, any more than I can control him or his drinking. I am trying to work the program for me. I don't know right now if there is any hope left for us, tho I still love him deeply. He says his feeling for me have changed.

But, if I don't work the program, I will just keep getting sicker. Stay with Alanon, just because there is a separation possible in the future, doesn't mean everything is over.

I have decided even if I move out, so he can have the house, I am not dating, I am not filing divorce. If we get divorced, I am not dating. This is the only man I have ever loved, and if I live alone for the rest of my life, then that's what HP had in mind for me. But I need to get better, no matter what. My sanity matters.

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

rtexas,

My ex A filed for divorce shortly after he found out about me going to al-anon. I think it was the icing on the cake for him. Besides that he was afraid to be confronted with the truth about his drinking. But I have other A's in my life. I am an adult child too. But with the A...it is always all about them. Be thankful that at least you have had 1 civil converstaion. I hope there are more coming your way.

Keep working it...u r worth it!

Julia

paintthinnr · Veteran Member

My A isn't so happy about my going to alanon either. But I felt I didn't want to keep it from him. He goes back and forth between admitting that he is an a and being in denial. He gets a little cranky if he asks where I have been and I tell him I have been to a meeting (I see no reason to lie...) Finally one day he was sitting on the couch with me and said out of the blue, "I guess the thing that bothers me is that you have always been such a good thing in my life, and here you are having to go to a support group. Because of ME. It makes me feel like I am a destructive force. Like I'm inflicting myself on you." So, I can see how he would feel that way. And I explained to him that yes, his drinking does upset me, but if this helps me know how to cope, and this helps us stay together, he should be happy. That it is about helping ME and has nothing to do with him. I don't know that this would work with your wife, but I thought that his perspective was interesting.

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the encouragement.

Paintthinnr - When she asked if I came home for lunch a couple of weeks ago, I told her that had tried going to an Al-Anon meeting. I had already told her that there are demons in my emotions that I have to work out. (At the time I hadn't figured on Al-Anon, just knew I needed help)

It really did throw her for a loop, and I know part of it is guilt, her thinking she is driving me to do this. But another part of this is she doesn't see the point... "how are those meetings going to help you make me more happy".

My answer is they won't, not directly anyway. I said "... you don't have a problem with drinking, but I have a problem with your drinking, this program is supposed to help me, not fix you."

I related to her that much of this program has to do with mutual respect, and avoiding self destructive behaviors. Not limited to alcohol at all. (I really like that by the way)

I can't say that I handle everything well, but I don't see how I could have approached this decission in my live any better in reguard to her. Of course I can't remember the last time I made a decission that was to my benefit... maybe that's what threw her... LOL

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

If your group has open meeetings, you could ask her to one, just so she sees that we really DON'T sit around complaining about our A's (unless that 's what everybody does at your meetings, in which case, better not!)

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

rtexas,

To many active A's Alanon is a threat.

Over the years my husband has swung back and forth about Alanon a million times.

Sometimes he hates me going, other times he tried to tell me I don't go enough.

He also does not get what it is about. There are times he thinks it is about getting me to actually like his drinking. When he has been court ordered to AA becasue of DUI's he fights that I should have to go to Alanon meetings if he has to sit through AA meetings.

Most of the time he tolerates it, as long as my meetings don't inconvenience him. I usually take the little guy with me. He himslef when he does go to an AA meeting picks one the furthest from home and at a time that it throws our whole family into upheavel, then he has the excuse oh you want me to go to meetings, but not the ones I want to go to. I don't think he actually goes to meetings as he comes home from them drunk. It is just another excuse to gt out of the house to drink.

I go to Alanon for me, and don't really care how he feels about it any more. I leave my literature in clear sight, if he wants to learn, he can.

Love Jeannie

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Let her make the decissions rt - once someone starts to address the problem the alcoholic becomes threatened and reacts it is probably a threat to make u stop going to meetings. my hsb told me that the only problem he had with me going to meetings was that now there were two of us who knew he had a problem.- go figure.

I kept going he didn't leave- in sobriety he told me he was grateful that i cared enough to search out a solution. for myself. He hasn't always like the changes I have made but he adjusts . hehe Working this program improved out homelife even while he drank I became less angry and no longer interfered with his drinking. so the pressure was off. Keep commin and let it play out the way it's suppose to. good luck Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

My a and i have done the abandonment threats many many times. I never saw much come of them. I also never saw the a give up drinking either no matter how awful it was for him. He has health issues, financial issues, work issues, friend issues. For him it alway someone else's fault. Since I have been in the program I have day by day been able to focus more on me. I think it is very very difficult to explain but it certainly works for me. Everyday I get a little better. I love this group, love the people here and love the process.

Maresie.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((rtexas))))

I can totally relate to your feelings, I wish I could have had more civil conversations with my "a" while we were still together. Recently, I have realized for myself that without the action behind his words, they are just words. He's so good at telling me what I want to hear. Sounds like your "a" has taken some necessary steps to get on her own. I too hope she comes around and reflects on her losses. Take care of yourself and keep in touch.

Hugs,

Twinmom~

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