ABF and I are getting along like a house on fire. It's super romantic and sweet. I love you SO much. I miss you. He comes to stay for maybe 5 days each month now and we are all over each other. And I have to be real and honest with myself; it's all of the good stuff and none of the bad. There is no reality; our relationship is existing outside of time. When things get rough he goes home and we don't talk for a few days. Then he sends me a love note and we start talking and eventually he comes to stay and I miss him when he's gone. It's sort of perfect. I like it. Is it immature? I don't care. I'm having the opposite of what I had before; I used to complain I had all of the burdens of a marriage but none of the benefits. Now I'm getting the good bits and not the bad. And my relationships have always gone from 0-100 in a few minutes; this is almost like the "dating" I never did in my younger life. Its as if he has gone from being my burden to being my gentleman caller. And I get to do this dating thing with the love of my life. It probably sounds insane but I like it.

So he and my daughter are getting along like (did I already say house on fire?)

And I see some real positives about that relationship. Now, without all of the resentment and anger I can see that without all of the "incidents" he really was pretty decent to my daughter; he's been in our lives since she was a baby, I know he loves her unreservedly. He used to try to tell me "I am kind of a stepdad aren't I?" and I would furiously tell him no, you are a JERK is what you are. But he was, in between his bouts of crazy he attended parent teacher interviews, bought her stuff, tried to teach her things, chose houses that were close to good schools, worried about her, researched and cooked foods to help with her allergies, to be honest when he wasn't drunk or embroiled in world of warcraft he was really pretty good to her.  In between bouts of crazy, though. The bad times were pretty damn bad. No good forgetting that. At times he was a freaking monster who hit me and had us all sleeping in a car in the dead of winter just to be safe. It'd be prudent for me to remember that.

A few months ago it was fathers day here in Australia (I think it's a different date in other countries) and I had a conversation with my daughter where I gently asked if she felt it might be OK to give him a small gift as he's really been pretty relentlessly good for a long time now and still tries very hard to be good to her. He helped us move in to this place, he comes and mows the lawn, she has his number in her phone for emergencies; a few months ago I got really sick and he came over and when I eventually crawled out of bed after a couple of days he'd driven her to Japanese class and picked her up, made spaghetti with her (they had even made a separate vego portion for me) and they were watching football together and he'd helped her with her maths homework. It was so nice. So normal. God I wanted it; I went back into my room and cried for a moment; it was so overwhelming and good.  Years ago she made him this little pendant with his name on it and he still keeps it stuck on his computer monitor; it's obviously special to him. I know he really does love her and value her with all of his heart. She asks when he is coming over. I'm coming to realise that he has been present in her life since before she could walk; she has her own relationship with him and it isn't moderated or managed by me. I don't get to tell her how to think or feel about him. That's a humbling realisation.

Basically it's been over a year now, and he has been nothing but a good boyfriend really. I'm still afraid of him when he is drunk though. So there's that.

Daughter says she doesn't understand why we can't just rent a house with him again and then we can live in a nicer place, and she knows I am happier when he is around. When he minded the house and the animals when we went away the other week, when we got home I tried to sit on my bed and talk to him and have a cuddle and she just launched herself in between us and she made it very plain that if we were going to be together, she was going to be a part of it. It was sort of cute; when she fell asleep he whispered to me "do you think she has maybe forgiven me?". She asks me on a daily basis, "mum, why can't we just move out of this crap shack and rent a house with (abf) again?"

And there is no pressure to change anything; honestly he says he misses us but I believe he is very happy with the current situation. He and his brother play computer games all night long, he is free to get as drunk or crazy as he likes and no-one is in danger. He says he wants us to get a house together but I think in reality it's just words; I think he's pretty happy with the way things are. He doesn't pressure me to move or change anything; I was asked by my landlord to renew my lease the other day and ABF said he thought I should sign for another year. I felt a great relief when he said that.

So the question is, is it enough? For me? I have everything I said I wanted. I have my freedom and autonomy. I live free from abuse and free from fear. My child is thriving. I am still "with" the guy that I love. He is thriving. Funny thing- I don't fear him straying. When we lived together I was constantly in fear of him finding someone else. Now, in this calm relationship I don't fear it. I know he loves me. I know we are OK. I wonder, could this be enough. I've told him I would like to remain living apart but, when we are older, we might travel the world together. And I wonder if that might become reality; he works now and saves money. Maybe when I let go of how it "should be" I opened the way for life to be all kinds of good and different. Maybe HP has all kinds of good ideas when i let go of how it "should" be.

I guess living in the moment has brought me this far and I should probably keep doing that. It works, but, I hate the mornings. I wake up and he isn't there and it hurts every day. He says the same; waking up is painful. I think he is there, and then he isn't, and my heart sinks. But for peace, safety, serenity...maybe this is OK. It's better than how it was. 

What I do know is, it's better than before. And it sure isn't the way I planned it. My HP hasn't steered me wrong yet. And that's really all I need to know.