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So my mother is coming to visit from overseas. She asked if that will be alright, and that she misses us. I have already said I'm not going to discuss family, men and a few other things. But I was happy to talk about kids, outsiders, work and life in general. I feel sad though. Its funny when you redefine a relationship, you realise alot of it was based on subjective emotion. I'm not sure how it will go. I think it will be nice to do normal, but also quite boring. Things are different with my mother. Ive always felt there was no one to take care of her. And I know her so,so well. But, experience has taught me, it doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong, she's her own person. And she's a good person, just kind of hopeless at finishing major things she is more than capable of doing. Its always the straws that get her. I suppose in saying yes to the visit, I'm thinking of the grandkids. I mean, those are beautiful bonds, and none of the toxic stuff touches those. Its a gift for them all. I'm not sure how I will fit in with it. There's no crisis happening in my life, except the usual laundry and the mess my kids make at each meal. So I guess it will be our first gathering of abnormal normal.
I hope your visit with your mom goes well. I've had a very strained relationship with my mom too and for my own sanity and ability to detach I had to set boundaries with her too. For me the best gift I received from Alanon was to learn how to be with her without trying to change her behaviour. She's not an alcoholic but she is a lot like me .......before i came to alanon lol. My mom likes to get into a tug of war over something or another with me often. For me i find it helpful to visualize myself not even picking up the rope. I will even say inside my head "don't pick up the rope dont pick up the rope". Our time together now is so much more peaceful. I agree that the grandchild grand parent relationship is important. That's what helps me keep working on my relationship with her. Looks like your focus is in a good place.
Wishing you all the best with the visit.
((A41)) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way. With your program tools of detachment, and staying in the moment focused on yourself -you "Got this. Enjoy your time together.
(((A41))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers to you! My mom and dad are coming on the 19th for 2 weeks. It's an annual event and I do my best to enjoy that which is pleasant as I never know if this may be the last visit (they are 81)....There are topics off-limits and there are very awkward moments, but I just consider them guests, try to be of service and say what I mean and mean what I say as nicely as possible.
It's never easy, but it seems to go much, much better when I use everything I've learned in Al-Anon - slogans, tools, detaching, boundaries and of course, keep my schedule as normal as possible. Best to you - enjoy it as best you can!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thankyou so much. Its not going to be easy. I have to mean what I say and not say it mean. She still completely ignores me, and just sent me some text messages, which while friendly were full of information o do NOT want or need to know. My first reaction is to say I told you I dont want to hear about this bs. I will go do my morning stuff and come up with a firm but gentle reminder. I'm happy to discuss xyz. I really am uncomfortable hearing about rstuv. Don't pick up the rope. Don't pick up the rope. I figured out we have this relationship that sails along as if we are two equal human beings, then bam! Suddenly she goes all island mum on me, where I'm supposed to be meek and obedient and all trusting, not to mention eternally sorry. Hahahaha! As if. I gotta laugh. Human condition. Right, thankyou for my morning rev up guys! Love to all.
((A41)) My sister does this often. Today when she starts up talking about her "Friends; I nod, say oh that is not unusaul and then change the subject back to me and something I like such as: I saw a great movie or TV show yesterday it was about XXXX and before you know it she is off on that topic. It works. Good Luck keep us posted.
Oh and iamhere, I hope you enjoy your time with your parents too. And thankyou for your shares about grandkids, because I've seen my mum go through that, and kind of had something similar happen with my first two sons (may the angels greet them always) having them used as punishment, and I was reminded that past must not negatively impact innocents, wherever it is possible. I add grandparents to the list of innocents,because I reckon by that stage, one is a new person most times. Xx
Betty - I must admit that changing the conversation to something of interest to me or neutral is getting much easier as my parents get older......ha.ha.ha.ha.
And a4l - yes.....I view my elders as 'innocents' as well. I have just come to realize that everybody does the best with what they can at the time and we all make mistakes. By allowing myself to view them and I as humans living the best we can in an imperfect world, I can actually just smile and move one.
I am 53 years old and every time I see my mother she makes a comment about my hair. Either the length, the bangs, the length - something - never has liked my hair.....this has been constant for as long as I can remember! I laugh as being the only girl, she let it grow out until I was age 6. She then took the long length of hair and had me cut to pixie length as it was too much trouble for her to work with and maintain. So - the hair that she's not liked for the last 48 years started with her efforts to make hair care easier!!! There is a part of me that wants to suggest that, but I just smile and say, it's just hair mom. My hair has never been a big deal to me - I comb it, wash it, style it, and go. It is not a reflection of who I am on the inside so isn't a big deal to me....
It has become funny to me though now and it used to really bother/hurt me when I was younger. It's just one of her 'isms'....and she just can't help herself!
I am sure our visits will go just fine so long as we keep our tools close by! (((Hugs))) to all...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It was really a pleasure to read your post. It really is progress in Alanon when we can see and acknowledge the good qualities of our imperfect family members. After all, we all have our stuff. You worry about her, she worries about you, you both worry about your kids.
I like what you said about the kids and your mom. "I'm thinking of the grandkids. I mean, those are beautiful bonds, and none of the toxic stuff touches those."
a4l, I really want to take that statement to heart and remember it when I interact with those closest to me during the holidays.
I hear a lot of gratitude in your post for the love your mom and your children have for one another. I think loving grandmas and grandkids just know how to Keep It Simple. It's all about the moment, new discoveries and not taking themselves so seriously with one another.
I hope you have a great visit. Hp is always there to help. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
