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I thought I was doing good! I thought I used my tools well last week after my dog was killed.
However I have realized I am still blaming both myself and my AH for what happened. I had to make a choice that day, go to the grocery store which would have taken me maybe an hour...or go see my mother who I had not seen in a few weeks because of how busy my schedule was. I chose to go see my mother which was a 3 hour visit. If I had gone shopping then maybe just maybe the dog would not have dug out or I would have been able to find him sooner. I stopped searching for him at 3AM ... if I had not stopped would I have found him....a lot of what if's.
And I still blame AH because who falls asleep that fast but an A after letting the dog out...he left the door open thinking they would come back in. I want to believe no one is at fault. But I am really struggling with that one. I have not told him how I feel about it, it would just give him another excuse to drink more, so I am keeping my mouth shut.
Every time he walks in with another six pack I see that dogs face that I had to identify to make sure it was indeed my dog. Every time he pops a can..i see it....every time i close my eyes to go to sleep...i see it....
I don't trust him anymore with my other dog so I have been taking him everywhere that he was aloud to go to. Then this weekend I registered him as an emotional support dog (which was expensive since I am not working) just so I could take him anywhere.... I wont take him to restaurants but I will take him to grocery stores. Which in the long run may actually help me because thats where I have my most panic attacks. (sigh) ...
I keep praying to HP to help me get rid of this blame. I am still so angry about the whole thing. Still a little angry with HP since i prayed so hard for Him to keep him safe during my on foot search for that dog for many hours until 3am... and then back at it at 6. I feel like I am falling backwards.
I even hit up 2 f2f meetings this past week, and yes it feels better to share and get it out, but it doesn't change the way I feel about the situation. I still feel like I need to blame someone and not the disease this time.
I will admit the one progress that came out of it is that AH is still alive, and I didn't go to jail for killing him. ha!
see it feels better to just type it all out..but it doesn't change how I feel
Hi Debra I am so very sorry for the loss of your dog . I do understand your sadness and have embraced the "blame game " myself when my pain was over whelming . It was a familiar tool and seemed to relieve me of any responsibility. It also allowed me to be angry with someone even HP because the anger made me feel powerful and helped me to process my sadness.
Alanon taught me a different tool called "Acceptance" This is huge tool and one it took time to embrace.
Acceptance of life on life's terms meant that I could see a situation as a life event and one that no one need be blamed for. I do not have to "like" what happened but if I "accepted "it I could look for the lesson in the situation, learn it and move on.
Today's reading the C2C suggests that everything and everyone we encounter in life has something to teach us. If we keep an open mind the lesson will unfold and we will grow in wisdom and courage.
It is all a process. I found that grieving takes time so be gentle with yourself, forgive and others and remember that all of life is a gift from HP even the hard losses and the lessons invaluable
Hugs debra you are human. Feel your feelings and emotions And let them go, try not to stuff them down. It might take you Awhile to get there. Crying and grieving is very healing when You let God in to help you get thru it.
Acceptance and forgiveness is the key, it is tough though. Things do happen and He is an active A.
Your ah Probably knows how you feel. You are doing the next Best thing with your other dog. Congratulations there, you made A stand. Will it bring your other dog back, sadly no.
I would want someone to forgive me if i did something like that, your heart is probably conflicted because of his alcoholism and What happened.
I love my fur babies and so did my Xah. Compassion And empathy
For both of you in this tragedy
((((((( debra))))))
-- Edited by Mirandac on Monday 30th of November 2015 02:58:43 PM
The way I see it, is that now you know how bad things can get because of your A's irresponsibility. You know that you are the only one in the household who is a functioning adult. To the point where you have to take your dog everywhere you go because otherwise you cannot be sure of his safety. That is a pretty serious situation. To let it go and pretend it's normal and okay - that would be odd, wouldn't it? What happened is not random thing like a lightning strike. It is a predictable consequence of the chaos that is alcoholism. I don't mean "predictable" in that anyone could have predicted this exact thing, but predictable in that alcoholism brings chaos and damage along with it, and always will. So you are right to associate the damage with the alcoholism. And anyone would feel pain and anger about that.
I know I tried for many years to let go of "blaming" my A for all the damage he was causing. I thought, "Why can't I just get past this?" But now I think that this was my true self trying to protect me. My subconscious was saying "There is danger here! He is not trustworthy! Don't relax in these circumstances!"
The other question we are encouraged to ask is "What was my part in it?" How could we have changed the outcome? Not that we are in control of everything in the universe, but we often make decisions that feed into our being exposed to the chaos.
What I have found is that I was able to let go of the emotions when the situation changed. When my A was no longer a threat to me, I was able to let go of the blame, anger, and anxiety. In my case that was because I separated from my A. That was when I was also able to let go (some) of the self-blame for putting myself in harm's way. Not entirely let go of it, because I want to remind myself that it is in my power to expose myself or keep myself safe. But come to terms with the fact that it is in the past and things are different now.
I hope you can find a way to make the future different for you. Take good care of yourself.
I am so sorry about the loss of your dog.
When my husband was drinking, I couldn't trust that he would "stay awake" to care for our children while I was gone.
I always remember that when my finger is pointing at someone in blame , there are 4 more pointing back at me. Looking at my part in the situation would usually reveal that I too could have acted more wisely , stepped out of my denial and pretend mode and possibly had a changed outcome. The "if only's are endless . I found it is in my best interest to work on acceptance.
Deb I think that you feeling the way you do is so very normal. Feeling is apart of being alive. To be able to pack these emotions away in an attempt to blame the disease is asking too much of you at this stage of the lose. Only a super-human could do it and sadly I don't know any. The time will come when you can work this out in a way that feels right to you and I have no doubt that Alanon will play a part in your solution. You are loved please remember that. You and your feelings matter!
Deb, Thank you for posting here. I think your letting your feelings out this way is probably healthy and I've been thinking about you a lot. I hope all the comments friends have left here will help you sort it out. I'm very sorry for your loss and for your sadness, anger and all of it. wp
I believe that what happened was an accident....in my home, it could have happened with or without the alcohol. If you do some reading about grief, blame is certainly a step in that process as well as blame. I believe it's human nature to want to assign blame when bad things happen. Part of it is to absolve ourselves and part of it is that if we can have a 'full story', we then think we accept and move on better. <<< that thinking kept me very stuck for very long....wanting the full story and/or all the answers before I accepted kept me very, very sick.
I too have learned in this program that walking around and blaming the A(s) in my home for all that is happening, has happened or will happen stifles my growth in this program. If my dog is a digger, my dog can/will dig out at any time, no matter who let her/him out and/or no matter how long. I had one gal dog and she was a climber. She would sometimes stay put (while I was watching) and at other times, she would climb the chain-link and be gone (in the time it took me to move from a door to a window to watch her).
So, yes - it seems the facts are that....1. He let her out. 2. She dug out. 3. He passed out. 4. She ran off. 5. She was hit/killed. For me, when I am able to see in black/white the facts, it helps me realize that it could have happened at any point in the process and it could have happened on my watch. I also am better able to 'see' that it was an accident, there was no malicious intent and he has at least apologized.
So - my sponsor doesn't allow me to blame my A(s). My sponsor doesn't allow me to take their inventories or even talk bad about them. I'm allowed to process and talk facts, but my opinions, projections and assumptions are corrected immediately and on the spot. If I am to live this program and grow in this program, I'm responsible for looking at and growing from my part. Sometimes, when accidents happen and we are hurt, our part is as simple as, "I am having a hard time with the loss of my dog." That's your truth, as I hear you. The rest, it seems, is old thinking raising up trying to convince you that if your A weren't drunk, it wouldn't have happened. We just can't think that way as it's not productive or even worthy of the life we want and the peace we strive for.
So - I was also taught - as Betty mentions when I am pointing fingers at others in blame, there are many more pointed back at me...when I get stuck, I fall back to Write about it (journal or mini-step work), Talk About It (Sponsor or Trusted Friend) and then Pray About It (HP).
My heart brakes with your Debra - I know how much you loved your fur-baby and companion. Keep working on the grieving process and Acceptance - you may never find perfect peace with this situation but there will come a time when you can focus on that which was great about your pet vs. the loss of the pet.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry about your loss. It will take time to heal. Please be kind to yourself at this time. In my humble opinion, this was no one's fault.
Sometimes when someone dies we say it was his or her time. Could this be true of our animals too?
You've begun grieving. Each day you're aware of the absence of your dog and it hurts. The only way out of those feelings of hurt and anger about the loss is to feel them. When we grieve, we're powerless to stop it and of course it's so so painful. I know that kind of powerlessness activates my dis-ease. My dis-ease makes my feelings come out sideways and look for a place to attach. The closer the person is to me in my life, the more likely they'll receive my negative feelings. Grief is intense! One minute you can be angry, the next minute crying your eyes out then exhausted. Maybe your husband is hurting too?
I hope one day at a time it becomes less painful. Our pets are so precious to us. ((((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you! each and every one of you have made a great point in this... Awareness, Acceptance, Growth, Forgiveness, Strength...All the tools I need to focus on...
It was situations like this that brought out the "you" statements a plenty. I believed I was justified with everyone of them and could not, would not stop until I could and then I had reserves where I would add them up into a mountain she could not climb. My sponsor got me to feel what she felt by reminding me of what it felt like when I was responsible for some tragic mistake. I learned compassion and empathy instead and that calmed me down and gave me more tools to use. Sad with you...it doesn't feel good. (((((hugs)))))
Debra, I can relate as we had something very similar happen to one of our dogs about 13 years ago. My AH left the gate open on his way to the bar down the street and Casey escaped and was hit by a car shortly after right in front of the bar. Someone stopped and came in the bar to ask if anyone owned a beagle because it had just got hit and killed. Well my AH's heart sank as he knew it was one of ours. He had to go out and scrape her off the road and come home and break the news to me that she was gone. During a lot of our fights over the years due to the disease I have brought up how his negligence killed Casey but now that I see what Iamhere said, it could've happened on my watch too or even with no alcoholism involved. I'm sure your husband probably feels terrible about what happened even if he is not showing it. Just wanted you to know you are not alone and have my deepest sympathy!! (((HUGS)))
