The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today has been a very sad day for me. I gave in to my husband this morning and called off work for him. We ran some errands...got the staples out of the mastiff's belly, paid bills. My husband talked as we were flitting from one place to another. I was upset because a great aunt left our family some money in January, but it was divided up individually. We agreed o fix up our house, pay all of our past due bills, get ahead on some bills. We paid a year's worth of house payments for the upcoming year and paid six months worth of car insurance. We all got a couple of outfits, a pair of shoes and we each got to pick one thing we had really been wanting and splurge on it. Well, my husband bought a TV/DVD player for his truck and then sold it for crack a few days later and bought another one. He bought a CB for his truck, a radar detecter and $400.00 of groceries for his truck. He also bought a surround sound home entertainment center for his living room and a separate stereo. Today he took the last of the money we had and bought himself a $1,500.00 four wheeler. Personally, I think he's too old for one and too big for one, but what do I know. He wanted one because my son bought one. My son gets a disability check each month and every penny of it goes towards household bills and groceries all year long so it felt wonderful for his splurge to be something he desired so much. (I got my computer) I was really disappointed in his selfish decision because the family had decided to spend that money on vacation this summer. Now we will not have a vacation.
During our talk I let out a lot of resentments. He stopped and looked at me and told me that he is trying as hard as he can. I realized that he is right. He probably is doing the best he is capable of. I told him that. He said that his best is not good enough for me and I told him that if this is his best it's really sad and no it is not good enough for me. I asked him how I can be in love with someone who is selfish, immature, lies, someone I can't trust and someone who can't meet my needs. He asked me if that meant I don't love him anymore. I told him that it is very difficult to love him and I keep trying. I really started to think about whether or not I love him and I can't come to a conclusion. I think I love the man I think he can be, the man I want to turn him into.
He told me that for the past five years he has done nothing but try to please me and change everything about himself. That may be true, but it is not enough because he's not willing to work a recovery program and that is what I really desire for him. He told me today that is not something he will ever do. It made me give up all hope of him ever getting better. He told me I should love him for who he is or not at all. I really don't love him for who he is. I don't know that I want to leave, but know that I am not in love with him. He's wonderful and I care about him very much. I would like to think we could find that love again, but I can't get past the anger, hurt and resentment.
I know I am venting and rambling, but I am so sad by these discoveries because I feel like this is a urning point, but don't want it to be. He actually told me to forget about everything and let's keep moving forward like nothing's wrong. You can move forward without dealing with issues. I can't put the past behind us if there's no hope of a better future. I feel sad and lost.
Someone asked me to respond to your previous post on how to detach, but when I looked at it yesterday you already had some really good responses and I didn't feel I could add anything to what was already said. I'm getting ready to go to my doctor appointment right now and pulled up the message board just to check it before my ride gets here and saw this post. So then I thought to myself, I do want to share my experience with detachment with love, even if it is just briefly (as I don't have much time right now).
What struck me in your post here was the one sentence about "accept me for who I am". Personally I do believe that is key to a good relationship. If we are not accepting of others for who they are (or even if we are not accepting of ourselves in that way), then there will always be problems. We in Al-Anon know that the only person we can change is ourself. I can't change my hubby. I can't make him have the desire to get into a program for himself. Only he can do that. If I want peace for myself, I MUST find acceptance of who he is today. My sponsor told me a wonderful line that is engraved in my mind. "If you can't accept it then leave it, if you can't leave it then you better find a way to accept it." Those are the only 2 options we have if we want to feel that peacefullness inside. Non-acceptance is just crazy-making, we'll always be dissatisfied, unhappy, etc.
What does that have to do with Detachment with Love? Hmmm. A whole lot actually. Accepting those for who they are, detaching from trying to fix them, cure them, control them...and just being a part of their life as best we can. When the behaviorisms rear their head, we don't have to interact with them. We don't have to react to them. We can choose to remain calm, to speak lovingly, to go about our daily routine and not allow ourselves to be drawn into their moodiness. Allow them the dignity of feeling whatever they feel without going there with them and trying to talk them out of it. If my hubby was in a bad mood, I used to go about my day in that same darn mood. I don't do that anymore. I choose NOT to share that same mood just because he is in it. I can now say "I'm sorry you feel that way, hope you feel better" and walk away and do my daily stuff. It takes practice...lots of it... but I tell ya what, when I can do that I feel so much better. Funny thing is, he usually gets over it a whole lot quicker too when I am not participating in the disease too.
We can't change them. We can only change ourself. Keep working it! It does work!! Focus on you, focus on the positive things of today. Changed attitudes can aid recovery. Sometimes our own recovery can give them the inspiration to find recovery for themself. When you see someone in Al-Anon with that peace and serenity...doesn't it make you want to have that for yourself?? Same idea. Show that kind of attitude in your home...maybe it just might rub off. Love you ((((((((powerless)))))))) hang in there and keep coming back!!!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Thanks for your vent powerless. You have helped me to remember to stay in today. I for many years knew that I was in love with the man who could be, but not the man that was. And I remained true to him until he no longer stayed true to me. I understand a bit more today that in his disease he could never become the man I was determined in my mind for him to develop into. The reality for me is that today we are each who we are, period. I have to accept who I am today, it doesn't mean that I can't change the things that I am able to, but I have to realize that I'm not the finished product that I would someday like to be. My 12 year old son is going through some necessary changes in his life as well, mainly because I have taken steps to help him develop some better study habits and attitudes. I believe this is going to be a long haul and have to remind myself everyday that I need to accept where he is "today", and not get myself tripped up into believing that his changes are going to occur overnight. Now if I can just convince my bf to adopt the same attitude towards the situation. (sigh) But then again, I also have to remember to also accept my bf where he is at today in his al-anon program.
You've reminded me to stay focused on the solutions and not the problems.
Sounds like you have been good to yourself in sorting things out.
Honey, I understand that it really, really hurts when we discover that what we have put so much time, effort,patience, and love into is all an illusion.
I was paralyzed when I discovered this.
On the up side, it means that the wool has finally been lifted from your eyes. You are no longer going to be able to fool yourself like this anymore. This is actually a big big step in your recovery! That's why it hurts so much. No pain no gain, seems to be the way in personal discovery and growth. The best is yet to come, there will come a time when you will feel like you want to do something about this. This will happen in your own good time.
Hi Powerless when I read your post about the 4 wheeler I had a smile on my face. I don't think men actually ever grow up the toys just get more expensive as they get older. Detach from what he is doing and remember that before your aunts gift you had none of these things. You now have your own financial security because you had the foresight and strength to protect your interests. Let go and let god and ask HP for guidance. LUv Leo x
