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I think I need some validation today My 28-year-old AS has used drugs/alcohol to different degrees since he was a teen. He has really struggled. He and I have always been close even though he has lived across the country for most of the last 8 years. About four years ago he was charged with a DUI in CA, then a couple of drug charges. Lost his drivers license, and just ignored the issue. he was arrested last July on another drug possession charge and stayed in the detention center for two months. I refused to bail him out at that time.
He has been homeless since then. Friday afternoon I got a call....he was back in jail and scheduled to appear on this upcoming Tuesday. Apparently he was given instructions by the court on his release that he did not comply with. I got a call a couple of hours later from the bail bonds company, asking for $1000. bond. I refused, the next morning I logged in to send him an email....he had been released! I called the bondsman, and yes, someone I can't imagine who had gotten him out. I haven't heard from him since.
For the last few weeks, he has told me that he was trying to stay sober, had gone to some meetings, church and had been working some. He has been through a 12-step program I feel bad for not believing him, but I've been lied to so much! When he called from jail he said that he was at a crossroads in his life, I always try to be calming and encouraging when we talk. I was an enabler/controller for many years and still struggle with keeping my boundaries.
I just love and miss my boy. Was I wrong to not pay that bail?
You have to do what you feel is best for you. You didn't send the .money..he got out..Let go and Let God..Sometimes it's easier said than done lol. Friday I wanted to help my guy so bad..I kept saying i'd do it in an hour lol today is Sunday and I still haven't gone to see him
Carol - only you can decide if what is done is right/wrong, but does it truly matter now? I have a 'One and Done' boundary for jail bonds. Both of mine have used them up. They know if they call here, they will not get bonded out so they don't call. I suggested to my youngest that so long as he's intending to live below the law, he had better save bond money just in case. I suggested I would be willing to hold that and get him out with 'his money' - he chose a 'friend'. I can tell what's going to happen but that will not be a surprise either (no $$ and no friend when it's time).
I would not worry about it - it's already in the past. We all do the best we can with what we have and setting boundaries and holding to them is not wrong. If he wants to find you and/or talk to you, he will. My sons are more friendly when in jail as they have nobody else to chat with. All their friends are typically criminals too - so they aren't going to take a call from jail.
Stay in today. Do for you today. Turn him over and let God take care of him. Hang in there and it will be as it's going to be!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My 28-year-old AS has used drugs/alcohol to different degrees since he was a teen. He has really struggled. He and I have always been close even though he has lived across the country for most of the last 8 years. About four years ago he was charged with a DUI in CA, then a couple of drug charges. Lost his drivers license, and just ignored the issue. he was arrested last July on another drug possession charge and stayed in the detention center for two months. I refused to bail him out at that time.