Why did I wait so long? - Al-Anon Family Group

expatanneli · Member

Why did I wait so long?

Powerless · Senior Member

I have difficulty finding f2f meetings. I come here instead and get lots of support. My A is my husband and I have found that when you love someone with the disease it is very heart breaking. I know it breaks my heart to sit back and slowly watch what he is doing to himself. Through this forum U have learned that some of the things I wsa doing was actually making things worse. When I thought I was protecting him, i was actually preventing the very crisis that could lead him to recovery. Here we learn that we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. We detach with love. Please keep coming back here. THere's a wealth of information. The meetings here are also wonderful. Please check into one.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

You are welcome here to share and learn but we learn from you also. I am facing a situation with our son and his finances. Maybe he has a spending addiction or debting I am not sure. But I am dealing with a disease not my son. I know I am enabling when I pay his bills. When confronted he denies knowing anything; he lies, he does it so much he doesn't know he lies. I am close to letting go because I don't have any more money. I have used up most of my savings. This does him no good. And from my end what I do really isn't about love but I am trying to save myself from pain. There is hope. We are to let go and let god.

In support,
Nancy

irish54 · Senior Member

Hi, I can certainly relate to you. I have been struggling with situations with my own son and he will be 36 in April. Along with a diagnosis of bipolar/schizo affective and his drug use he has been in treatment (hospital setting) 6 times within this past year. For 9 of those months he lived with us. Then in January when he got out of the hospital he refused to come back to our home because his delusions had him convinced we were part of the enemy. He stayed in the city with a friend of ours. Believe it or not, that step, along with Al-Anon was the really first step to help me truly be able to detach. Like you, my heart has been broken several times. My younger son is in prison. It's much easier for me to love him unconditionally now without judging. I can separate the disease from the person. (most of the time) I'm still working on it, but life is much better now.

I don't know what their "bottom" is .... I know I reached MINE, and I thankfully reached out to Al-Anon and my God. This has saved my life!!!!

Please know you are not alone, and please keep coming back!!!!

Love and hugs!!!!

Irish

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

"I knew about Alanon many years ago. I even went to a couple of meetings but felt sure I could handle my problems myself. After all I am an educated woman."

Your quote above could well have been written by me. Yes, I, too, could handle it all. I have always handled everything. But this terrible problem soon became something I could not face alone.

My heart breaks for your dear daughter and for you, who must make the hard decisions, all of which affect you and her. As a mother, I can only imagine the pain you are going through when every course of action has failed. "Tough love" really is tough; it's tough for us and for those we hold dear. But we must set boundaries and stick by them, because it becomes a struggle for our our sanity. And what is most important is that we keep our heads together so that we may deal with it one more day. Keep coming back here where you will find caring, understanding people who will not judge. There is a schedule of on-line meetings held here also. I have not attended those, but many of the members here find them helpful.

Every good wish to you, Diva

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the MIP family. THis is a great place to be. You will find alot of people in different walk of life.

Here is some information for u.

World Service Organization Website - WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

This is where u can find face to face informtation.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

This is for meeting online.

chris52 · Senior Member

I had to laugh....sorry!

I too am an educated woman.....and you are absolutely right. Educated or not,we can't deal with this on our own.

Like you I live in a foreign country and I had never heard of Alanon before a few short months ago. I speak a limited amount of the local language,enough to cope with the every day things I required,but certainly not enough to cope with a meeting....if I could find one!! The nearest Alanon from me is over 4 hours drive away and conducted in Turkish.I did actually attend a couple of the meetings,but felt hopelessly out of place. I'd have done anything whatsoever to get some help. I felt the love and compassion in the room,but had no idea what on earth was anyone was saying!

One night,I came upon this site while surfing the net in total desperation. And I found a home. Somewhere I really belonged. Somewhere I could let out all the pain I was suffering,and hopefully give something back.

Welcome.You will find so much love,help and comfort from everyone here.I've been fortunate enough to meet people from all over the world who have been battling with the very same heartbreaking situations I can relate to so well.And I have found some great tools for dealing with the problems I have been so heavily weighed down with,despite thinking that I was clever enough to deal with them on my own. I couldn't.....but I sure as heck tried!

You will meet with some of the most amazing and truly inspirational people here. Welcome and keep coming back.

Chris.

expatanneli · Member

Thank you all so very much for the truly supportive comments. Again, in my head, I knew that my problems were not new, but during my struggle, I certainly thought they were. I would say inside, "Yes, but you have never experienced this problem" or" I understand you but ---" I think I am accepting at last that there really is nothing I can do and it really is my daughter's problem. She is staying in a hotel - of course she is homeless - until Friday and I can only pray that she will decide that her last hope is to go into the treatment centre where she says she has a bed. I do struggle with guilt that my husband and I moved to another country to retire - and one of the reasons certainly was that we needed to save our marriage - our daughter was causing such stress. With your support, I think I can let that guilt go.

Incidentally we have two daughters - both adopted. I am so grateful for my second daughter's balanced, thoughtful character. Both girls brought up in exactly the same way; both intelligent and both provided with the same opportunities. Can anyone doubt that genes play a very large part.

Thank you all again. I think I will be spending a great deal of time in this website

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

If there's one thing I ahve learned over the yrs is that we get here when were ready , so don't beat yourself up , your here now thats what matters. Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that focusing on me and my issues has helped a lot. I can imagine it is very very difficult to sit by when someone you love is hurting themselves on so many levels. I can also understand that no one can make anyone recover even with a court order/jail/repercussions. For some people the bottom is tremendous. For others it is death. The issue is that we do not go to the bottom with them. I get enormous solace, strength and understanding here. I would urge you to come to meetings here and to post often.

Maresie.

merts · Newbie

i keep reading my life. i am trying not to prevent the acts that are the consequences of our son's addiction. we dont know what it is, alcohol drugs, spending whatever, but it is so hard to have a sherrif's deputy come and serve a warrant at 10 pm... i am finding it hard to have serenity. my grieving the kind, sweet boy he was it a piece of it....but i know that he has to be who he is and i still love that boy...tho the 20 year old version is very very destructiive and ill.

Sondee · Member

This whole thing is just so sad. All of our A's are someone's sons and daughters. There are moms and dads hurting for every single one of them.

Everything about this disease breaks my heart. It breaks for each and every one of you, as well as for the A's in all of our lives.

There must be a purpose to this disease; there must be a reason for all of the suffering it brings to every life it touches. Perhaps it is meant to be, somewhere done the road, a path toward redemption. I wonder....

From those of you who have gained wisdom, I hope to learn the same.... One day at a time... for each and every one of us.

May every parent of an A somehow know true serenity....

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Expat and big hugs I have two sons (17 and 20) I feel your pain. Please keep posting and don't feel guilty for allowing yourself to have some kind of quality in your life. You deserve it. Luv Leo xx

expatanneli · Member

D Day is tomorrow and I am dreading it!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.