I had a little trouble understanding your question so I'm not sure if I'm answering the right thing.  What my attorney told me was to document everything I could.  I wrote down every incident: "Tuesday the 12th.  He was slurring when he went out, didn't return till 4 a.m., came back in and went to sleep on living room floor, woke up at 1 pm."  I also took photos of the stashes of bottles I happened to find.  I don't know how these would have been used as in the end he didn't fight me in court, and anyway by that time he had a serious DUI.  But presumably these would have helped to some extent.

The mediator is there for you to reach a genuine agreement.  I think if you agreed to something you weren't okay with at the mediator, it could hurt you down the line.  They would say, "If you were worried about his drinking, why did you agree to give him 50/50 custody?  Sounds like you weren't worried then!"  It would look like you were just trying to play games and change your mind.  I would use the mediator as a means to ask for what you really want.  That's what the mediator is there for.  Or are you seeing the mediator before you move out from living with him, and you are afraid of his reaction?  In that situation I think I would postpone seeing the mediator, with whatever excuse is believable.  The mediator will draw up whatever you agree on, for it to be included in the divorce settlement.  You don't want to have to undo that.  It looks bad and will be more expensive.

As I have said before, I wouldn't trust an active alcoholic to look after a child for 5 minutes.  I made that mistake and it is a miracle my child is alive.  What I finally did was to ask for 100% custody, which I got.  In my case, my A knew I wasn't going to restrict him from seeing our child, under safe conditions, and also he doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of a child.  It gets in the way of an A's drinking. 

I don't know why your attorney doesn't think alcoholism should change the childcare agreement.  I wonder if you need a different lawyer.

It sounds to me as if the safest thing would be to get out into your own place (and I hope your A won't know where it is) before starting these things.  From what you say, he sounds increasingly angry and desperate.  That is not a good situation.  Take care of yourself.

Working very hard on QTIP right now ... but as a father who has spent more time in family court than I care to recollect, largely fending off baseless claims by my son's mom designed to minimize my role in my son's life simply because she wanted control (or whatever it was she was hoping to gain) ... I feel strongly about weighing in here.  I'm sure it's not the intention of the posters here, and I will acknowledge that I am sensitive to the subject, and am probably taking something personal I shouldn't be  ... but I kind of feel the tone of this nudging ever so slightly towards a prejudice against father's rights in custody and placement cases.  I am a strong believer that children are entitled to having strong and meaningful relationships with both parents.  I also know the court systems are abused by angry, emotional, manipulative parents who are thinking more or exclusively about themselves then they are the children ... and it impacts how legal professionals, including judges and social workers view claims of another parent's behaviors as being 'dangerous' with a very skeptical eye.

A few things I think it would be good for those who are, or may find themselves, embroiled in a family court cases to consider as they embark on the path towards establishing custody and placement agreements, or fighting for them in court:

1. Most states I am familiar with have built into family law the rebuttalable presumption that it is in the child's best interests to have their time maximized with both parents, and that both parents have an equal role in the major decision making affecting the child, including schooling, religion, medical decisions, etc.
2. That presumption can be rebutted when it can be proven that such placement schedules and custody arrangement can place a child in danger, and therefore is NOT in their best interest.
3. Divorces/Family Law cases involving child custody and placement are highly emotionally charged, and the professionals, including judges and social workers who work in this area, know and understand this.  Put bluntly, they know they are dealing with people who are hurting, are angry, and often acting on pure raw emotion.  I had one attorney, who practiced both criminal and family law, that he only took family law cases when he needed work ... he found that in family law, he was dealing largely with good people on their absolute worst behavior.  He said it could be 'soul sucking'.
4. It is more common than not, that in contentious custody and placement disputes, one or both parents will attempt to portray the other as Atilla the Hun in order to try to build the rebuttable evidence that maximized placement, or shared decision making is not in the best interest of THEIR child.
5. Often times the claims made by one parent about the other being an addict, physically abusive, sexually abusive, etc, etc, etc are at the very best exaggerated, or at the very worst, completely fabricated.
6. Judges, lawyers, social workers tend to be justifiably skeptical of the claims of one parent that the other is unfit as the actions of emotionally charged parents, often feeling scorned, using the court systems to extract revenge, or manipulate an outcome they want.
7. In the absence of overwhelming, compelling and unimpeachable evidence that the child truly would be at considerable risk, the courts will tend to do everything it can to honor the legal presumption that the child's best interests are met when they have maximized time with both parents.
8. When a parent chooses to fight anyway the cases are INCREDIBLY expensive, for EVERYONE involved.  Expect all parties to be impacted in some way, financially forever.  It will mean less financial resources in both homes for your child(ren).  
9. There are lots of great family law attorneys out there, who practice it because they truly want to have a positive impact on the lives of people divorcing, and their children.  But there also lots out there that see $$$ flashing before their eyes when they see a potential client who is entrenched in a position, and know that client will spend every dime they have, every dime their family has, run up every credit card they have, and take out any loan they can, to WIN ... without ever stopping to consider what the impact will be on anyone involved. It is wise to choose your lawyer very carefully, and do not fear those that will challenge your position. 

I have had family law attorneys ... both ones that have represented me ... and those I know on a personal level ... tell me that parents making baseless claims about the other's behaviors is an epidemic in the family court system. 

Without going into the gory details of my own case, I had to fend off baseless, malicious accusations of all kinds for years.   It culminated in me eventually getting primary placement and legal decsion making, as the judge determined that Mom's behavior was the true risk to our son's well being.   It happens ... it's real ... it's tragic ... and it has long lasting ramifications on the children.  Just the fight itself, no matter how 'justified' it may seem in the moment, can be tremendously detrimental to the emotional well being of the child.  Judges and family court personal know this, and it impacts how they address these types of claims by parents in custody and placement disputes.  It is why many jurisdictions have mandated mediation ... and family court services ... and mandatory guardian ad-litems (lawyers appointed by the court to represent the child's interests) to attempt to keep these cases out of trial, and should they wind up there, have independent parties assess the potential homes the child will be living in.  Some are really good ... others not so good ... but chances are what happens at trial will be largely dependent on what these 3rd Parties have to say ... and less on what your attorney ... or your exes attorney ... has to say.

This isn't to say that anyone's concerns here about the safety of their child(ren) with an an active Alcoholic or Addict are not completely justified, nor that you shouldn't fight to ensure their safety ... if it would clearly be a risk to their safety, you are obligated to protect them.  Rather, I  point this  out so that if you are going to 'go to the mat', that you may want to consider some AlAnon fundamentals in the process ... and start by examining your motives, similarly to the way someone just discussed in a recent post on boundaries.  Is it in reality an attempt to control the alcoholic, either in behavior or the nature of their relationship with the child? ... or to punish the alcoholic for past hurts? ... or simply because you think you are a better parent?  Or is it truly because you are attempting to protect the physical safety of the child, without respect to what your individual feelings are about the alcoholic are?

My 2 cents ... take what you like and leave the rest.

Mattie wrote:

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Dave, I understand your concerns.  I have also been closely involved in a case where it was definitely the mother who made vindictive and unnecessarily hostile claims.  I think what we are discussing here is any spouse or soon-to-be-ex spouse who is an active alcoholic.  In my experience, giving an alcoholic custody of a young child is not safe, whichever gender the alcoholic is.  Somewhat older children need to be armed to recognize the problem and protect themselves, as Andromeda described.  The examples in our particular cases happened to be male, but alcoholism is no respecter of genders.  The same precautions would apply to any active drinker.  Certainly divorcing spouses can become vindictive and try to stand in the way of the child's relationship with his other parent.  That is a different situation, in my view, from protecting a child from being in the sole care of an alcoholic.  As I said, it is a miracle that my son didn't die from my alcoholic spouse's carelessness (which included, on different occasions, driving drunk, leaving my 2-year-old home alone while he went out drinking, and passing out and leaving my 2-year-old unattended near a wide-open window that went down to the floor [a window that had formerly opened onto a balcony, but the balcony had been removed], on the third floor of a building).  When I discovered, to my horror, that these things had happened, I fought against him having any custody.  This had nothing to do with his gender, as I hope will be obvious.  He still has extensive safe visitation.  Peace.

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 Mattie, I don't disagree with any of what you say ... and certainly are well aware of the dangers than an active alcoholic can pose to their children.  My wife, active in her disease, was arrested for DUI with my daughter and 2 stepchildren in the vehicle.  Her BAC was over .18.  Had I made the decision to divorce her, you can bet your life I would have fought vigorously to ensure that any time our daughter spent with her if she was still active in her addiction would have been curtailed to minimize the potential to the greatest extent possible her ever putting her in a vehicle while she was intoxicated again.  Should it ever come to that in the future, that is the course I would choose if I felt that danger  existed again.

I think what triggered me was a few comments within the thread that seemed to suggest that father friendly legal systems were somehow inherently a threat to child safety.  I also acknowledged that I was probably fighting my own issues, and that was probably not what the intentions of anyone in the post were.

Ultimately, my hope was to try and provide some perspective on why it may seem a daunting task to win such a case.  It doesn't mean it's not winnable ... and I certainly didn't mean to imply that one shouldn't fight that fight if they truly felt their children would be endangered if there was too much unsupervised time for the alcoholic parent.  I just thought that sharing some of my own experience might provide some things for others to think about before ultimately making the decision to choose that path.

Iamhere wrote:

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This thread for me is a perfect example why we don't give advise/counsel to another. I too believe that both parents should be active in a child's life - obvious exception - danger to a child.

Here @ MIP, we often get one side only. It's usually when one is at their lowest, saddest, most angry point. My experience is that nobody has the right to label any other person an alcoholic - it has to come from the person themselves or on suggestion from a medical professional. I know that we can sit here and discuss the actions of another and 'see' they have a drinking problem. But, this situation has many other factors - some we know and some we don't - and advising based on what we hear only makes me uncomfortable.

Sorry Dave for what you've been through. I see where you are coming from and agree completely that in these situations, it is the child who is damaged extensively. I support any court that, without compelling evidence to the contrary, enforces mediation and an attempt at reconciliation.

This program offers us tools to regain composure in the face of utter insanity. It allows us to examine ourselves and work to become better persons. Even when a post sounds similar to our own situation, our answers and what worked may or may not work for another. Based on what I've read about this situation, I believe all 3 would benefit from professional support and/or recovery. I stopped posting as I kept reading about 2 adults who are battling over the past in a manner to win at any expense in front of a child. It makes me very sad on so many levels, as whether the adults have shared with the child or not, she knows. She sees it, she lives it and I am guessing right now that the child is suffering way more than either parent.

I don't have any answers. I don't have any solutions. I don't have any suggestions beyond what we've shared. Seek recovery. Get your mind as clear as possible so you can make good decisions. Take care of yourself and take care of the child. Stop reacting as best as possible. Stay present in the now and focus on what you can do. Seek help through any neutral channel available. A counselor, mediator and/or lawyer can certainly give advise for your state relative to custody, living arrangements, support, visitation, etc.

I too will add, take what you like and leave the rest. My hope is the OP (original poster) can find some peace and serenity and make choices in the best interest of all.

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 Extremely well put ... and infinitely more graceful way of saying what ultimately I think I was thinking before I got all caught up in my own $h*t ... thanks for bringing this thread back where it belonged.