The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently began attending Al-Anon and love it and can't live without it. It's already begun affecting my life positively and changing my outlook on things!
However, one of the things no one has yet touched on is, what if my active AW wants help?
So here's the situation: Things obviously never went well between us with regards to her drinking (according to me). I went to Al-Anon and saw positive changes in myself. AW only saw negative things. Wants things to go back to how they were. She is also saying that she wants to change -- she doesn't want ME to change. I know from Al-Anon that I am the one that needs changing, but if she wants to change, what do I do? She says she would stay home (not go to the bars) more if I "didn't go to so many meetings."
Also that, because I told her that I cannot control her and that I do not care if she drinks or not (as Al-Anon literature has taught), that I am "giving up" on her, that I don't care about her because I don't care about her actions.
Is there a better way that I can phrase what Al-Anon has taught? Also, do I suggest AA when she says she wants to change, or do I let her get to that on her own?
Thank you for any advice or thoughts you have.
Peace to you all in your situations as well!
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"When people show you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou
Welcome AZ I believe that telling your partner that you have learned how truly powerless you are over another's behavior and that instead of attempting to change anyone else you are working a program to become the best you, you can be. It might be softer that saying your do not care if she drinks or not.
She wanting you to change back and not go to as many meetings is classic. You can validate your need for meetings, as they help you and if she wants help you can point her in the direction of AA.
Your recovery looks good on you Keep coming back
Yes classic response. I too have been working on this approach and came to terms with being powerless and its only seemimgly given my ah more to know blame me with by saying if you cared more you would fight for me to be home and desire for me to be home. . Really, that never worked and on occassions when he has stayed home hes either hung over or angry and miserable. I hear your frustration. I do know i cant control it ir him but i hear your frustration. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I too welcome you AZ to MIP - glad you're here and glad you've posted!
I admire your choice to choose recovery in Al-Anon. I also am happy that you've found some peace, sanity and serenity in the program - YAY!
For me, I have to keep my motives pure. I attend Al-Anon meetings and work the program for me. I don't do it to change anyone else, nor to show them a better way - it's just for me.
As Betty suggests, you have chosen recovery to work on you and for personal change/growth.
When my qualifiers showed resistance to my changes, I kindly kept telling them that I needed to change and I needed to find different ways to live, act and react. I consistently suggested that it was not about them or even about the disease - it was about me. I ignored snippy responses and avoided conflicts as I was told they feared me changing. Change is difficult in a healthy home - it's extremely difficult in a dysfunctional one - but still possible.
I do not dwell on what they are or are not doing, saying, acting like or reacting to. I've taken 2 of my 3 qualifiers to more than 10 treatment centers and hundreds of meetings. I am still willing to drive them to either of these if they choose recovery. What I found out is mine were very interested in recovery/change when I would lead them or carry them. When I let them do the leg-work, it had a ton more meaning for them.
So, there is nothing wrong with suggesting recovery. I do so all the time, I just need to have no expectations relative to my suggestion. If I expect, assume, demand or coerce them towards recovery, it doesn't stick....they have to want it for themselves just as you want your recovery for you!
(((Hugs))) - we can carry the message of recovery, we just can't carry them to it or through it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I recently began attending Al-Anon and love it and can't live without it. It's already begun affecting my life positively and changing my outlook on things!
However, one of the things no one has yet touched on is, what if my active AW wants help?
So here's the situation: Things obviously never went well between us with regards to her drinking (according to me). I went to Al-Anon and saw positive changes in myself. AW only saw negative things. Wants things to go back to how they were. She is also saying that she wants to change -- she doesn't want ME to change. I know from Al-Anon that I am the one that needs changing, but if she wants to change, what do I do? She says she would stay home (not go to the bars) more if I "didn't go to so many meetings."
Also that, because I told her that I cannot control her and that I do not care if she drinks or not (as Al-Anon literature has taught), that I am "giving up" on her, that I don't care about her because I don't care about her actions.
Is there a better way that I can phrase what Al-Anon has taught? Also, do I suggest AA when she says she wants to change, or do I let her get to that on her own?
Thank you for any advice or thoughts you have.
Peace to you all in your situations as well!
It is often said at meetings I have attened, and by AODA counselors that I have heard speak to this, is that the alcoholic mind abhors changes in its environment. The disease has been built around using its environment to justify the decision to continue to feed the addiction. When my AW was active in the disease, I made the decision not to drink with her, either in social situations or at home. This threw her for a loop. In her mind, she was able to rationalize her decision to drink by convincing herself that her drinking was just 'social' ... we were 'having fun' together ... how could that be a problem? Eventually, she found a new reason to justify her drinking, but for some time she kept trying to tempt me into drinking with her. She no longer had the environment present she had for so long used to justify her drinking. It is not surprising that your AW only sees the negative in AlAnon ... you have changed the dynamic and its making the diseased brain uncomfortable. It wants things to return to 'normal' so that it can continue to progress in the disease. The untreated A will attempt to manipulate the environment anyway it can in order to restore what it perceives as the balance it needs to maintain the disease progression. You have made an invaluable decision to seek a recovery for yourself, and may need to guard against the classic manipulation of the Alcoholic to maintain your march toward serenity, and living the life your higher power has intended for you. It is possible that the example you set through pursuing your own recovery will provide an environment that will provide fertile ground for your AW to pursue her own. But that can't be the motivation for your pursuit of recovery ... because then your motivation is to control them, not improve yourself.
I have been cautioned in the past not to offer what I learn from AlAnon unsolicited, either to someone I believe to be dealing with Alcoholism in a loved one or friend, or to the Alcoholic. Our 11th Tradition teaches us that ours is a program of attraction rather than promotion. We work our programs and hope that as we heal, others will want what we have, and seek out how we achieved it as opposed to seeking out those we think would benefit from this program and promote it as a cure for them. Early in my recovery, I was overzealous in promoting AlAnon to a friend who confided to me that her husband was an Alcoholic. I started telling her about AlAnon ... pestering her to attend meetings ... and I believe turned her off to the program. I believe I would have been better off in hindsight to tell her of the program, direct her to resources that could provide more information on what was available in the area, and offer to answer any questions she had. I should have told her I was there for her if she needed anything, and let her come to her conclusion about the program on her own. You might consider that approach to sharing what you have learned in AlAnon, or in suggesting where your AW can go for help if she so chooses she wants help of her own. Not sure if that helps or not.
Congratulations on your courageous decision to come to AlAnon. I hope you keep coming back!
Al-anon becomes the evil doer and the A wants nothing to do with it because it changes things for them and they have no more control and will have to deal with the consequences of their actions alone.
Boy do they hate that....... the A can't continue unless they have the enabler.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Aloha Amz and GOOD ON YOU!! It's scaring the crap out of his disease and he begins to accept he cannot have it the way he thinks he needs it. He doesn't need it however he is addicted and the booze has spent a lot of time whispering in his ear and spirit that it needs him...Alcohol is poisoning, it is a mind and mood altering chemical and in addiction can and will lead to death of the body and its systems. We are not born or created to be poisoned by any chemical especially one that we come to understand that we NEED. We don't.
Fear is a great motivator whether to keep back from a cliff to hide from a murderer or to stop drinking...It is only one part of my system that made me put it down and then stop drinking with my alcoholic/addict wife also.
He does want help because he is thinking he is loosing something by not drinking and he is wrong...he just does not understand and what will help him understand is that you continue staying out from the middle of him and his Higher Power...he does have a higher power and you're saying you are not it so GREAT!! let him stay scared cause fear works very often to make things stop.
If he wants a drink...get him a class of water. If he wants help to stop drinking point to the telephone book and tell him that the people at AA know how to do that and he should talk with several of them quickly.
Keep coming back here to the MIP family and If you keep and open mind...you will find help. Thanks for the share. (((((hugs)))))
Your AW would like everything to stay the same, because now she has to look at herself without the chaoic input that would otherwise exist without Al-Anon. I would just say that Al-Anon is your choice, because you are an individual and leave it at that. She is going to have to, eventually, make some choices she is not looking forward too. I commend you completely!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
