The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
it pains me to admit that she is my trigger, my very loved mother. But I feel like I've had it with her! I know we mostly talk about our frustrations with the alcoholics, but the sick partner to it, co-dependency of which I know I am too, just is driving me insane! I'm trying very hard to stay compassionate but I can't, at least not today, at this moment. Its ridiculous to try and get through to someone but still I persist. I mean, there has to come a point where we look at ourselves and our lives and go, aha. Isn't there? I know she's damaged, but when someone keeps doing it to themselves by doing the same dumb things they have always done, when does the penny drop? And I guess too, I'm angry, because part of the pattern is, I end up rescuing her. Nope. Not going to do it. She is having a hare brained bplan which sounds straight out of a three year olds fairytale which anyone with half a brain can see isn't going to itwork, and chooses to surround herself with oeople who want to see her fail, and then I'm supposed to just take her in when the eventual happens. Of course it could be said, oh but I didn't know it was going to go wrong, boo hoo poor me,except I cant buy that. She wants to come here next week but I can't see the point. Plus lately these days she's full of plans and they always change. Its just crazy. And I feel like I want to tell her, I can't support your stupidity so from here on you're on your own. I really would be biting the bullet then because there's no one in this world who knows me and loves me not really. I mean they love me but id really be in my own and taking a leap of faith.
The 3 C's work well in this case also...."Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with..." is what I learned in Al-Anon and I came to understand. Let go and Let God...and keep coming back cause there is a solution. (((hugs)))
I can't imagine what it must be like with an active AM. It's good that you can see her patterns -- that is really the first part of recognizing what is happening. The second part is recognizing that you play a role in that -- and you can stop, or change, that role at any time. Really -- you can. Even a little bit at a time.
I hope you find peace, friend.
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"When people show you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou
Thank you both. She is not an active alcoholic, she is one of us. Its that wishy co-dependent martyr victim stuff that I want out of. I'm not even my own hero! Then again, I could just be reacting to past stuff. When it comes to her, I just don't know. Venting here helps, otherwise id be texting her attempting to "make her see sense", ie being controlling and tactless.
My relationship with my mother has always been complicated. I am the only daughter yet we're not as close as I always wanted us to be. She's ACOA & A - untreated and in denial.
I spent years trying to determine how to build a healthy relationship with her all the while loving her as best I knew how to. What I've come to accept in this program is that I can accept her, exactly as she is, and love her exactly as she is IF/WHEN I see her as a separate person from me. Yes....she gave birth to me. Yes....she is and will always be my mother. However, I am a separate person, a child of God and I have the choice to be different, be compassionate, be gentle yet still set boundaries for self-protection.
It has taken me years to be able to say, "Now is not a good time to visit, I am busy or I am not up for it." If I treat her as if she's just another person in my life that I need to respect and be kind to, it helps me say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
It took years for her to hear me, but that's not on me. My message was clear, consistent, kind and repeated. I've been in recovery for 28 years, and my parents retired to another state 12 years ago. They come once/twice a year and stay at my home. It took at least 5 years for her to hear that I did not want Alcohol in my home. I said it kindly, over and over and over again and at some point, she finally heard it.
I have been blessed to find folks within the program that are more like family than my family is. I feared for a long while not being as close to my family as desired and finally decided that if God wanted me to have a perfectly functional family that was close and loving, that's what I would have. That's not his plan for me, and instead, I am to love as many people as possible, and he will have my back. Once I let go of what I thought my relationship with my mother 'should be' like, it's slowly gotten better - and she's not changed at all....I have.
Keep processing with your program tools and the answers will come. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks iamhere. I am just going to listen with my eyes. We have always been close, too close. I find we both share traits of all or nothing, and its a see saw. Like, if I move away, she'd be the kind of person who gave away all my stuff, repainted my room and then called to say I love you darling. I do feel like I'm at an emotional string with her. But maybe that's just mothers. Who knows! I do know when I check my motives, their not good. I'm angry, and I'm hurt and I want her to hurt too. It would hurt her alot if I slammed the door on our relationship.
I can relate to feeling this way. I recognise my own intolerance to others and I can see its my own dis-ease. Your anger is coming through and I understand. This disease, this family disease is infuriating at times. It helps me to write it all out in a letter that I dont send and it releases these feelings and along the way I get to see my part in it. You cant change your mother. Use the three C's. Its good to remember she suffers from this disease and she deserves courtesy and kindness whilst at the same time having healthy boundaries that protects your own serenity. If you dont want her to come visit then tell her kindly. Its okay to say no with little or no explanation.
Hard to change a tradition of a certain relationship and then have to live within that relationship...even when you know it is hurting you. Maybe have a set of topics ready that you will talk about with her, and a set of topics that you absolutely will not talk about. Maybe the weather, breeds of dogs that you like, new paint colors for the kitchen. Just stuff that really has no meaning but it would be a way to be together. I had to do that with the AH. There are some things that when he starts the conversation, I become silent. He can toss me the ball (of conversation) but I will watch it fall on the floor and I will not pick it up.
Thanks el-cee. You're right. I'm trying hard not to step into mums magical thinking without raining on her parade. Its hard! And she's been a human mother, one who did the best she could with what she had. I need to do the same, with recovery tools. Kindness,consideration and boundaries. The last is the hardest, ill be checking in regularly.
Thanks Mary Jane. Mum and I have never been the type to talk about weather or paint. We talk about philosophy, nature, men, life, death, kids, feelings, experiences. The biggest difficulty is, living in the future when I need today to stay sane. And also, taking on board her family of origin mess which is just everywhere in her life. Still, its good advice. I do not want to discuss the magical future. The future is here already in today! X
