one of the biggest lessons I got from a friend came thru a story she told me about a woman she worked with who was separated from her husband and he would call her at work wanting the separation to end before she was ready and one day my friend overheard the conversation that was going on and told me her co-worker told her estranged husband, "I love you and I like having your here and I don't need you".   That thru me for a loop because I understood much as he did and I rushed off to contemplate what I had heard.  After an hour or so I returned to her house a different person with much less addiction to my alcoholic/addict....I love you and I don't need you...how awesome.

((((hugs))))

Practice, practice, practice is what I have been taught in Al-Anon.  The program keeps me practicing and that is why I keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))

Those blow-outs sound really tough.  I've come to decide that I can't be with anyone who has blow-outs like that.  The apprehension and stress beforehand is terrible, not to mention the blow-outs themselves.  And I've come to see that, at least in the cases I've experienced, it's a way of controlling me.  "If she doesn't behave the way I want, I'll keep her in line by becoming angry and scary!"  Awful.

One thing I realized is that part of the reason I was staying was that I was afraid of the cascade of emotions I'd have after I left.  Anger at him, grief, self-recrimination, despair, loneliness, and all the things that never got solved in the relationship itself.  It's like they were all waiting for me, gathered up from the whole relationship.  I was afraid of the tidal wave of emotions.  But what I found out was that staying didn't keep them at bay either.

Take good care of yourself!

Your ABF may think that therapy will change you so that you'll do more of what he wants to, but it may be that the therapist does not think that.  I don't think any good therapist operates that way.  Of course who knows if the therapist is a good therapist?  But a good therapist would not be working that way.

Therapy has been useful to me.  What I understand, and believe, though, is that unless the alcoholic is in recovery, couples counseling won't get very far.  Because the alcohol causes a kind of insanity that cannot be remedied just by talking.  It's an ongoing insanity.  So I wouldn't expect that therapy would change his behavior any.  Many therapists, as I understand it, have a policy that they don't take alcoholic clients unless the clients are in recovery.  Then again, your ABF's therapist may not know your ABF is an alcoholic.  Many alcoholics are in such denial that they would never admit this to a therapist.  My A never did.  When I raised the issue, he had the therapist bamboozled about it, because I found that many therapists have no real experience of alcoholics.  So I would say, "We're not going to get anywhere unless A goes into recovery," and the therapist would say, "A, what do you think?" and the A would say, "I don't need recovery because I'm not an alcoholic, but sure, I'll stop drinking, that's easy because I'm not an alcoholic."  And the therapist would say, "Great, we've got that settled.  What other issues do you have?"  Whereas of course the A was not stopping drinking at all and the whole thing was nothing like that simple.  But the therapist was just naive.

I did pick up some good insights in couples counseling, though it didn't improve our relationship any.  I think if I were in your shoes, I'd go along a couple of times and get a sense for what's happening.  You also might be able to provide some light on the real problems (like drinking) that the counselor is not hearing anything about.  However, you are the best judge of your situation and that plan might not fit at all.  Take what you like and leave the rest!

Ah, I see.  Well, it may also be that the therapist thinks, "ABF is not going to change, but Sus may think he's going to change.  Maybe there are some expectations that need to get straightened out."  However, it sounds like he's been in therapy a long time.  I wonder why if no change is happening.  I wonder why ABF goes and why the therapist keeps on at it.  It does look like there's no change anywhere in the situation, doesn't it?  And I'm mindful of the Al-Anon saying "Nothing changes if nothing changes."  It looks as if, if you want change (and who wouldn't?), it will have to start with you.  But that's always true, isn't it?  How to start is the question, of course.  Seeking your own health and recovery, as you're doing, is being already on the road.