The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel questions pouring out everyday. I feel like i want answers, but is it possible? Yesterdat my ABF andci were discussing the future of our child. It is extremely important to me that he doesnt follow his fathers behaviour.....drinking. i expressed the importance of not modeling alcoholic behaviour to our child. He turned to me and said "i m not an alcoholic, so what if i like a few drinks....i didnt drink first thing this morning, did i?" My jaw dropped, hkw can he belueve he doesnt have a problem..m. it is an unwelcome entity in our relationship. It causes fights, anger, destruction. He has even cone home in tears drunk out of his mibd crying to me he has a problem.....what does it take for them to admit it.
The latest with my AH is that he doesn't have a problem because he only drinks Thur-Sat...well this week he drank Tues, thur, fri, sat, and sun...with the least amount being 5 beers. But he is not an alcoholic. I also do not understand how they do not see that it's an issue. But I do know that I did not cause it, can't control it and can not cure it. I also do not know what it will take but I am just living one day at a time and know that one day I will either except his behavior and just deal with it or I will leave but until that day I just try to show him that I love him or leave when he is driving me crazy.
Good luck and ((hugs))
Lisa, Alcoholism is a family disease that is characterized by the denial of reality and pretending all is well. It is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless and having any discussion regarding drinking usually ends up as yours did.
I am happy that you are reaching out for help, are no longer in DENIAL, and are accepting that your partner's drinking is affecting your family That is huge.
Reaching out for that help by posting here and then finding and attending alanon face to face meetings is the most productive actions you can take for your family. When one member of the family is receiving help the entire family benefits.
Using alanon tools of living one day at a time, focused on yourself, acting in your own best interest and not reacting to the insanity, trusting HP, and examining your motives all produce a healing atmosphere in the home .
Believe it or not alanon promises that we an be happy, even if the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We urge all to try our program , Keep coming back
Part of the disease is denial. In reality, often the Alcoholic is the last to know there is an issue. Having said that, Al-Anon teaches us to focus on us, our attitudes, actions, reactions, etc. The stark reality of this disease is that they will drink until they don't. I am one who spent almost 10 years trying EVERYTHING to make it stop, make it change, fix it, ignore it, etc. I had absolutely no control, no power and no more 'to dos'.....
So, I surrendered and admitted my powerless. Today, I do what I need to do for me to keep me serene and happy in spite of what they are doing. I don't project any longer, what if, why not, when they, etc..... as these are all unknowns. You would certainly benefit from attending meetings and working the program so that you can decide the best next right thing to do that allows you to be happy.
Never in my wildest thoughts did I think I could be a calm, peaceful person in the middle of 3 active alcoholics. What they did and when they did it haunted my every thought each day and made me anxious, worried, sad and angry. I no longer have that and the only thing that has changed is me.
Choose you. Choose recovery. You will not look back ever and regret chasing recovery. You might look back and regret not doing it (sooner) though.
(((Hugs))) - it get's better when you get better!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It often takes loss for them and us to know we each have a problem. The disease is not only within him. Its a family disease. Loss of jobs, fri3nds, family, driving license, freedom ets. Loss is often the natural consequences for alcoholics and its onle the full effects that drives change or acceptance of the problem. Often though, unfortunately, good intentioned people i the alcoholics lives pick up, clean up the mess, delaying the precious rock bottom desperately needed. I suggest reading the merrygoround called denial.
Lisad67 it is very much like an alcoholic to live in denial. You need to focus on you so that you can be a good role model for your child. Working the Al-Anon 12-steps and attending meetings will ensure you get the focus on you!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Alcohol affects every system in the human being including the mind which is the control center of a person...everything comes loose and gets unwired and so I have to come to accept the fact that my alcoholic/addict spouse was naturally (under the influence) delusional. Its tragic and not humorous in the least however getting myself in the right frame of mind took away the surprises and willingness to argue with someone who wasn't sane. Tragic. There are lots of terms that we use to describe various alcoholic conditions I use the ones that keep me from being owned by the disease. I don't take it personal. ((((hugs))))
