The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What are the chances that I would be an hour from home with my team heading a game and run into lying, cheating, XABF and he new woman from his AA group?! Like really!! Can't I just get a break from the noise in my head :(
Just thought I would put this out to the universe. Not like I want to tell my friends I'm travelling with what really went on.
When I started dating my now husband, guess who was living across the canal? The ex ABF. At least by then I had stopped hating him. I tan into him out at a club once also. I made sure I hooked up with someone right in front of his face. Was kind of pathetic that time...
These are the moments where I pull out any/all tools to keep my serenity. I often use the 'act as if' tool to keep my composure in tact. And, like Betty suggested, the serenity prayer is a quick and easy to use gift that helps me realize what's within my ability to change.
Also, this too shall pass is a good one. Every situation I am in is going to be differently shortly, so if it's good, I'm grateful - if it's uncomfortable, I'm looking forward to the next moment...
So sorry for the run-in. At least you now know that you can handle it!!! The first is the worst!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You have just split up I find these moments to be completely healthy and rational. What my therapist shared with me was S .. this is a response to a completely irrational unacceptable behavior and that is ok .. what you choose to do with that emotion is what will define the present you and your future self. Feel, deal and move forward in as positive way as you can.
Denying that you hurt or are angry about something to yourself I'm referring to is completely toxic or at least it is for me .. that's only because I have spent so much of my life telling myself I really didn't feel the way I did and I was also told I didn't feel the way I did or shouldn't feel the way I did.
Reality is .. splitting up hurts and being lied to, cheated on, and led on is absolutely breath taking in a bad way .. feel, deal and move forward to the woman you deserve to be and be with someone who values you the way you deserve to be valued and loved.
Something else I had to ask myself was why did I consistently pick men who were emotionally unavailable and I hate to say it that was MY issue because I have issues with emotional availability. So once you are in a place where the anger isn't so intense would be a good opportunity to ask yourself (I do ask myself this question A LOT .. LOL) What did I learn from the experience? What was just my part? I don't have to own his part .. I do not wish to continually be rejected by a reject. Mary Pearl has infinite wisdom in that regard and she's an alanon black belt who did lots of speaking around the conventions I would encourage you to listen to those podcasts of the men and women who walked before you to find their way into a healthier way of being.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yeah it was tough. Just can't believe my luck really. We were both in transit through another community. Worst part was he was gracious enough to tell me (during our last argument last wknd) they were going for a weekend away...sigh...and it was only last year that he was treating me to the same thing.
Good thing I know how that story ends ;) God grant me the serenity...
OMGOSH I bet it was hard. It will get easier with time however those initial shocks ESPECIALLY considering it's not like you have been apart for even a month right??
Now .. LOL .. this is where I enjoy a dark fantasy or two I allow myself the "pleasure" so to speak of all of the things I want to say stick it in a thought bubble and let it go. Sponsors are great too because I could always allow myself the time to process through her the venom I was feeling and it just felt better getting it out. She got a couple of texts that she would call me and go .. LOL .. feel better? YES .. I did and I could take that step forward .. in the throws of the pain though it's really difficult.
Mary Pearl the woman I mentioned before .. she actually killed her husband. I mean literally drug him to a bathtub drown him and after the fact decided it wasn't a good idea and made the effort to revive him do keep in mind she did full CPR as she was a registered nurse. Got him dressed in PJ's, tucked him back into bed. He woke up wondering what happened because he had bruises on his chest. LOL! Only someone who has lived through the chaos and confusion of an addict relationship understands the want to act out in that way. She got lucky. There is actually more to that story and I will have to see if I can remember it .. LOL. Anyway, .. it's the power of healing through alanon and understanding what is and is not crazy making behavior.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In 23 hours and 40 minutes I will hear a plane fly over me. That will be my cue that XABF is flying nearly 6 hours East from me! I will gratefully enjoy two weeks of peace knowing there will be no accidental encounters with him and his new flavour of the week. There is something to be said about going from 10 minutes distance to thousands of kilometres!
23 hrs....36 mins :) lol no I'm no stalking him...has been the same routine for months.
Let us enjoy the peace together!
-- Edited by OceanTide on Tuesday 17th of November 2015 10:26:47 AM
Our program is awesome cause when you work it; it works. Not all consequences of working it are the same however the consequence of working it is always better than not. I didn't like raging silently or openly cause it told me I was sick so I had to come to a position of peace of mind and understanding that didn't involved me making her less of a person or at the time a Higher Power. I arrived at compassion and understanding; Compassion because I knew she also felt hurt and anger and understanding that she wanted the same peace of mind and serenity that I did. We were both human with different gender and age but otherwise very much alike. When I came to understand that compassion meant "Feeling with" rather than "Feeling for' the fight died and went away and I could hold nothing against her other than the desire for her happiness in the best way it would come. It's been such a long time since my last rage...good riddance to it. (((((hugs)))))
