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I'm soooo frustrated with dealing with my A. He is insane. I look at him and think, YOU ARE INSANE. Is it no wonder that I'm crazy??? We are suppose to be separating (legally). We've been physicially living apart for a year and a half. We see each other 3 time a week atleast, he calls every night and until recently I talked to him EVERY time he called. I must have been nuts. We have two children, we will always be tied by that.
The thing is, we are suppose to be separating!!!!! I'm to go to the lawyer and we are going to try to do this without all the nastiness (hopefully). He says, you go and start it, Okay, no problem, If I were to wait on you it would never happen. But then he's here Sunday. I had promised my son a hike in the woods adjoining our property. We're to go down to the creek before the brush gets heavy and the chiggers are bad. So we all hike down there, it was beautiful, nearly 70. I get to hike around on my own while the kids are getting their feet wet. It was wonderful. Then my A starts talking about how we should look into buying the property. WHAT??? He's serious. I'm just blown away. On and on he talks about how it would be great for us to own the property. I don't say anything. What am I suppose to say? you are insane??
He's making me nuts. Everytime he's here it is something different. Either he's plundering thru my stuff. Checking my phone messages. Telling me how poor he is and how I have control over all the money (lol, I don't even know how much he gets paid) and how I'll get what I want because I always do. (how I wish I always got what I wanted, he'd be sober if that were true). To telling me how I could do better raising the kids -- oh yea, that makes me hot. He's so clueless that he thinks the kids misbehave because they visit with this (really nice) family down the street. Couldn't have anything to do with their dad saying he'd be gone for "about as long as a fishing trip." then never come "home." Couldn't have anything to do with him at all.
My anxiety is going thru the roof. I haven't talked to him in a couple of days, I'm just anticipating what tomorrow will bring. What will I have this Wed? The nice A, the angry A, the I'm so poor A, the happy helpful fix-it A, the your the cause of all my problems A, the if only I'd win the lottery A, the sleep on the couch A, the too tired to mess with the kids A, the pissed at the world A, the depressed A, ...... it's like I'm dealing with multipul personalities.
What is killing me the most though is that he left, has no plan on returning (which I've found to be a blessing) but he gets so ticked about me taking down a framed wedding announcement that was in the hall. I felt like asking him did he want to hang it at his place. He says things like "since your ready to end it" -- he left, I waited, nothing is changing yet I'm the one who is ending it? Here is the kicker...he doesn't love me. Well isn't that convenient. He can "not love" me, and still get to act wounded about all this. Talk about being self-centered. He's insane.
Thanks for letting me vent. And should my A read this...I'm going to give you SB's hairy eyeball. lol!!!
I hear you,loud and clear!.....However do not try to figure out an A, it will make you crazier yet. I have been there done that, endlessly going around in my head trying to figure my A out. That in itself drove me to brink. Unless you are an A there is no hope in H**** that you will ever figure it out. Live and let live,,,detach ,,,do what it takes to take care of you and your children. Good Luck,,,,,,,
The only thing I can really say is THANKS for clueing me in to the fact that all of the personalities are to be expected in alcoholics. A light bulb flashed in my head as I read your post: oh, they are all like this! LOL Thanks to your post, I actually feel enlightened. I actually thought my A's multiple personalities were somewhat unique. Navigating the moods is tricky, on a good day!
Good luck with navigating through the tricky terrain here. I'm impressed by how well you are coping with ALL of your husbands! (I counted 11 of them in your post!) ;)
Hi Lunamoth, I'm so excited as this is my 1st reply. Hope it works! It feels a little scary being a newbie but I'm hoping that you may find some comfort or strength if I share my experience with you.
My A was never a "moody" person until of course he started drinking! Suddenly I was dealing with multiple personalities at any given moment, I had no idea why. I didn't even realise for a very long time that he WAS drinking as he drank away from home and only returned when he was either sober or relatively functional. We separated in 1999. In Oct 2000 I found Al-anon and began to learn about the disease of alcoholism. I recognised that although I was no longer living with the alcoholism I was still very much affected by it. My A & I remained in contact until I found it too disturbing to deal with the sadness of our increasingly hostile communications. I learnt in Al-anon that you cannot reason with a drunk person. Eventually it became necessary for me to cease all contact with him if he had been drinking. It broke my heart as I still loved him and I found it difficult to maintain my boundaries as he pushed them regularly to see if they were elastic. Al-anon gave me the strength and support to "stick to my guns".
Sadly, in 2001 I felt it necessary to divorce him as a situation occured in his life that I felt unable to accept at that time. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was reasonably amicable, we hadn't any children and half of nothing is nothing! Miracles happen but not overnight!! He had seen changes in me as I worked my program to the best of my ability. He knew I attended Al-anon and began to believe for the 1st time that maybe he wasn't beyond help and decided to give AA a go (2002). I was somewhat sceptical & wondered if this was just another manipulation to get back into my life. I desperately hoped for his sobriety but knew by now only another alcoholic could show him the way. His 1st year he had intermittent sobriety, 3months then a slip etc. I went through all the emotions a situation like this brings. I learnt to detach with love (soooo difficult), I focused on learning to recognise and take care of my own needs while trying not to be inconsiderate of his and most importantly I worked the program as well as I could for ME. It felt very selfish but I knew there could be no hope if we both went under. I HAD to keep everything in the day and often I just got by minute to minute. I had to learn to hand things over to my HP. My serenity became my priority. I'm the sort of person who would just say what I felt as soon as I felt it and it caused me a great many problems. I learnt (slowly) to THINK, THINK, THINK. I applied this slogan as THINK- do i need to respond to this situation/behaviour/comment? THINK- when should I respond? THINK- how do I respond?
The conclusion. He is 2yrs 6months sober & clean. We are reconciled, living one day at a time in our respective programs. My belief... we were both insane but I tried to get out of the way and trust in our HP's to break through the madness and help heal the wreackage of our very sad past.
I hope you feel better for "venting" and that something I've shared may help you or another. With love in the fellowship, you are not alone.
Have you been talking to my husband? They sound the same. When they're good they are angels. But when they are bad, they are downride psychotic. I think they want to be free to do whatever they want, but still know that we are at home pining away for them and waiting on them to come to their senses. Maybe that is true for all men.
There is not enought hours in the day for me to convey to you the similiarities in the behavior of my ex wife and your husband. When we finally seperated. (her choice not mine) she actually wanted me to cosign on a house she wanted to buy. The logic was that I got to keep "our" house, she needed one, if we did reconcile this could be turned into rental property. Here's the sick part ... he he.... I actually did sign da papers, cuz I was still soooooooo ready to please. Fortunately the deal fell through on that house. By the time the next deal came around, I was stronger and did not get involved.
Insane..yep .. been there done that! We were both insane. Its part of the disease, sheese, maybe its more that just PART of it huh???
Never knowing who they are gonna be when they call or show up...sigh....yep yep yep.
I have not spoken to her for 8 months now.......and for the most part .. it is soooooo wonderful!!
Thanks for posting Luna...Keep working it!
Oh and Powerless..... sorry but this man never had the luxury of supposing for one second that the woman in my life was ever sitting around pining for me. It was definately me who was the one sitting around pining while she ran around doing whatever she wanted knowing that I was there to take care of her sons and all that other unimportant stuff waiting on her to come to her senses. Hmmmmmmmm.......I wonder if she has yet, or if she ever will!!!
Ah well......I think I might finally be coming to my senses, and thats all that really matters to me and the people in my life, and for that I am soooooo grateful!!!
I have done plenty of venting since I came to this site. What I would say is that I try to detach daily, sometimes by the hour on what he is doing, his insanity and his insanity can develop in a minute. I try to live my life separate from him, focus on my goals, focus on what I need. I ask for help I would not do that before after all he was the cause of all my problems. I let what he says go in one ear out the other. I also protect myself financially and otherwise. I do not spend much time with the a socially and dont' make any plans to. I do spend time with him obviously since I live with him but I don't ask him for emotional support. He resents me talking on the internet but he wants to offer no support. So I let that roll off me too.
I know if and when the A and I do separate (and I take steps daily to make that a possibilty rather than an impossibility) of course I will be ambivalent, sad and angry. Perhaps you need lots of room to vent and grieve and be angry because grief is bound to be there. I know I am immensely sad that I have not been able to make the relationship with the a work but I have not and it is not from lack of trying or lack of caring. I know that I cannot go on as I did and I am very grateful for being here and able to be among people who care for me and who care about my sanity (the a does not ).
My ex made me feel this way too, isolated me from others, going thru my things, tellingme how to speak, how to eat ~ that's why I made "the joke earlier - that you are insane" their insanity DOES seem to work by osmosis.
They want u to feel helpless & hopeless, they want their pity or any other emotion they can get out of you to feed their justifications of their behavior, that they blame on you!
Being treated like a prisoner, being watched, spied on, is enough to make anyone feel nutty, I'm proud of you for trying to uncomplicate your life by leaving. Good luck & don't listen too the lies he has to say! It's just brainwashing... for a while I DID believe it, felt insane & worthless & hated myself but he knew of my ACOA background b4 he married me.
He chose me specifically & on purpose to feed his addiction. Thank God, I am getting better now! Take care of yourself & your kids (oh yeah, funny who they always say they have No money but sure can afford to pay for their drink/drugs
love, -kitty of light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
