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And around the wheel turns...gah! Excuse me if this is a little bit venty but I've been holding it in all day!!
I mentioned the other day that my mother seems to be having some serious memory problems and I'm concerned for her. We have these conversations and then a few days later she claims we haven't spoken for a week etc...very odd.
I have also noticed that she's been a bit...well...passive aggressive...recently but I put that down to her perhaps not feeling well so I've not been paying a great deal of attention to it. No point taking it personally.
So today she came to visit me and oh boy. She was mean. I mean really, really mean. Literally every single thing she said was nasty and directed towards me, which was a little hard to take since she had invited herself and I would have preferred to be getting work done and not standing awkwardly in my kitchen begging HP for serenity and dodging verbal barbs!!! I was really taken by surprise as I can't see any reason for it; we've had no conflict or anything, and I haven't yet said anything to her about her memory, so that isn't it. The only thing I have said to her recently that I think she might not have liked was, I expressed concern that my 21 year old sister is drinking a lot. She and mother drink together every night now; they're as thick as thieves. So the other night mother was complaining that my sister was drunk and keeping her awake and I said I had noticed my sister was very drunk a lot lately and that I was worried she might be in for a hard life if she continued to make a habit of it. So maybe that upset her, I just don't know. Maybe she likes having my sister as a drinking buddy.
Anyway she had also brought soup to share with everyone...beef soup....(Im vego)...and when I didn't say anything about it and just got out bowls for everyone else to eat she decided to do her speech anyway about why should she have to "drop everything and make vegetarian food just because you chose to be so fussy" (she's never cooked me anything vegetarian in my life so...really?) which was odd since I hadn't mentioned it. It's soup, let's move on.
Life's too short, right?
So after she and her husband and my daughter ate, she announced that she wanted us to go shopping and she wanted to get daughter some boots she wants for Christmas and she thought I could show her the bathers I told her about that I like (that's swimsuit maybe in American, IDK) because she had a voucher for that store and she thought she might get them for me as a Christmas gift. Well OK, I thought- I don't need a gift but yes, lets get out of the house and out shopping and maybe she will cheer up and stop picking fights. Shopping is good.
So out to the car she went and my daughter pulled me aside and told me that while I was bustling about the kitchen trying to be cheerful and make tea etc, "every time you turned around grandma was making really horrible faces at you behind your back" and she demonstrated the face and gesture to me and it was pretty nasty. (Like imagine a "mean girl" making an 'OMG I hate her, she's SO STUPID" face). Why drive all the way here on a Sunday just to pick at me and make faces behind my back? It boggles my mind. What on EARTH have I done to warrant that? But oh well! Out we went. She wanted me to direct her to the shops and she heckled my directions mercilessly until I really wanted to jump out at the traffic lights and just run across the road, into the water and take my chances on the open sea.
Anyway we got there and as we walked past a shop I picked up a flyer from outside and she tried to snatch it from me (!!!???) saying 'we don't have time for that" and when I asked her what she meant (I don't have time to look at a flyer?) she told me 'you shouldn't be looking at sales, you don't have any money (huh?) and then I made the HUGE mistake of trying on the bathers I like. I KNEW it was a mistake but I did it anyway and of course she told me they looked awful and I was "bulging out of them" and so on. (They're nice, they're modest since I am a little heavy at the moment and I think they look quite decent. So does daughter and she can be brutal).
She snatched them from me once I'd taken them off (what's with the snatching by the way??)- "You're not having those! I'll find you some better ones" and then came back to the change-room yelling "don't get dressed, I want you to try this on". I opened the door and she had a huge black swim dress- from the maternity section. In a size that could have fitted 3 of me quite comfortably and possibly a guest or two. She had grabbed the largest and most cover-all garment in the entire store, a kind of lycra muumuu. Neck to knees and she wasn't joking. (She wears a bikini so she's not a prude; it was absurd. And mean.)
"Why don't you just try it?" she kept saying. "You have to dress for your figure you know. You're not a young woman anymore". It was nasty stuff and it hit me where it hurt; by that stage I was really starting to crack and I was worried I would either cry or snap at her. I had a smile plastered on my face and was talking through gritted teeth by then, you know how it can be.
I told her I was done looking at swimwear for today, and we could go look at daughter's shoes instead and perfume for her as she said she wanted.
Over and over and over she told me "the ones you wanted just didn't look good. You have to dress for your figure you know" over and over and over. The more times I asked her to drop it the more she said it. She was enjoying it, it was obvious. I haven't seen this mean version of mother for a long time.
So anyway it went on and on and around and around. We got in the car and she couldn't find something in her handbag and her husband said "Well it's probably Melissa's fault, everything else is isn't it?" and he laughed and laughed and I felt like a cornered animal to be honest; it hasn't been like this for a long time, OMG!!!! Why???
So, it became clear after today that I'm not going to be having any serious conversations with mother any time soon. So I called my grandmother. I didn't say anything about mother's disposition today- that would be a grievous error, I said just that we'd had a nice afternoon shopping but that I was a bit concerned about Mother's memory. My grandmother worries about people's health and badgers them to go to doctors etc so I figured the best I could do was handball my concerns to her knowing she would take it seriously. She and my mother speak every night for an hour or more so, she'd know...if something is wrong she will pick it up.
She said she would keep it in mind and watch for any signs but that "your mother is as sharp as a tack and her memory is very good. I think you'll find you are imagining it".
Then daughter informed me that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with grandma's memory and "I think she's just playing you, mum. I think it's a game".
And suddenly I wonder could that be true? Is the whole memory thing a game? Would she DO that?
So here I sit and you guys have watched me go around and around on this merry go round how many times now?
I love my mum, my mums so nice, she bought me a car and a washing machine, OMG my mums so mean, she's horrid to me, wah wah wah, Oh my mums so nice.....it's as if she is 2 completely different people.
The bottom line is I can't get a read on the situation and it's no different to any other. Maybe she does have dementia. Maybe it makes her mean sometimes. Or maybe she just gets a kick out of being mean sometimes and nice other times. I don't owe it to anyone to waste any brain power trying to understand her motives or to entertain the idea that I must be crazy because I'm bloody not. It's very simple; sometimes she's really nice and sometimes she's freaking awful. I'm not mad, I'm not imagining it and I'm not being "too sensitive" in fact I'm doing my best to just let it go and not take any of it on board.
I've expressed my concerns to the best possible person regarding mother's health and now I need a big healthy dose of detach and breath. I don't need to wonder why or twist myself inside out trying to work out if I've caused it or misunderstood it or.....whatever!!!!! It doesn't matter! I might also mention it to my oldest brother and then I think I'll take a breather until I stop being in the line of fire because allowing her to bait and ridicule me isn't helping anyone.
I also recall a few months ago we were talking about this old TV show- "Mother and Son". We used to watch it when I was a kid. Basically this guy in his 40s lives with his mother and she pretends to be sweet and have dementia but she's actually setting him up over and over and driving him insane. It's quite awful and not at all funny in hindsight. Mum told me recently that 'I loved that character, that's how I'll be when I'm old. I'll be mischeivous and drive you all insane".
Hmm. Indeed.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent. It helped to get it out; it truly was a freaking awful day and I'm glad it's over.
And FYI I'll be going back for those bathers tomorrow. So there. lol.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((Ms.M))) You did well not reacting to all the hot buttons that you faced, congrats. I am so sorry that you had to endure this treatment and happy that your alanon tools kicked in to protect you . I loved the tools that suggested that when others were making my needs invisible I needed to validate myself in a positive manner and then let it go . You are a beautiful,intelligent healthy woman Ms.M and I would tell mom that often .
If Mom seems "normal" to the her husband, her Mom, your daughter and the rest of the family, I would take the focus off her and place it on myself. I would go out and get those "Bathers" tomorrow, (I am sure you looked lovely in it)say the serenity prayer Let it go and Let God handle it. I know that I wasted many hours,"trying to figure everyone out" to no avail. I gave up that job and gave it over to HP who has the Power and wisdom.
Reading this, my sense was " recovery is threatening".
Family disease involves roles and recovery means not engaging with our own predetermined one. Change is scary. So on the other side of the coin, you must be growing beautifully. I admire your determination to choose sane in the face of crazy making and as a mate I want to reassure you, it isn't you at all. You are smart,funny and gorgeous. X
Thanks ladies.
It helped to just write it down (whew it was a long one lol) instead of going around and around my own head with it. I don't get anywhere doing that.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I think with the new information you received from other family members concerning your mother's behavior you've made a good decision to let it go.
Consider maybe that her behaviors are nothing more than a device to undermine your recovery. We discuss in Alanon the resistance we receive from the alcoholic as we grow more independent through working the steps, establishing boundaries which can lead to new healthy identity - taking responsibility for ourselves and becoming less and less emotionally, physically and even financially dependent on the alcoholic. I am responding from personal experience with an exah who with his family used these devices to keep me in the role to which I'd been assigned in their family.
Like you, I discovered though working this program and supportive people in the program as well as amazing discoveries like college during midlife that I was not what they told me I was. I discovered I wasn't experiencing devaluation anywhere else but with my active ah and his family. Stepping out of my assigned mold wasn't permissable. In there minds, I was there to be used for their needs. I got there from lack of self worth, fear and unhealthy dependency.
Is it possible that your mother is trying to sabatoge your new found independence from her?
"Anyway we got there and as we walked past a shop I picked up a flyer from outside and she tried to snatch it from me (!!!???) saying 'we don't have time for that" and when I asked her what she meant (I don't have time to look at a flyer?) she told me 'you shouldn't be looking at sales, you don't have any money"
Looking at the flyer and finding what's on sale actually might have allowed you to afford to buy without her buying for you. As an outsider looking in at this, I see you trying to figure out a way to accept less from her financially. You're looking to see what's on sale, what's the best deal and maybe perhaps even affordable for you without her contributing anything financially. That would mean you're figuring out how to accept less from her financially. Alanon progress for you, loss of control for her.
"brought soup to share with everyone...beef soup....(Im vego)...and when I didn't say anything about it and just got out bowls for everyone else to eat she decided to do her speech anyway about why should she have to "drop everything and make vegetarian food just because you chose to be so fussy" (she's never cooked me anything vegetarian in my life so...really?) which was odd since I hadn't mentioned it."
Getting the bowls without commenting was responding instead of reacting. You also have a healthy identity. You know that you don't have to like what everyone else likes and be a people pleaser going along with something you detest just to fit in with everyone else. "fussy" = your own thinking not hers. You grow girl! :)
"came back to the change-room yelling "don't get dressed, I want you to try this on". I opened the door and she had a huge black swim dress- from the maternity section. In a size that could have fitted 3 of me quite comfortably and possibly a guest or two. She had grabbed the largest and most cover-all garment in the entire store, a kind of lycra muumuu. Neck to knees and she wasn't joking. (She wears a bikini so she's not a prude; it was absurd. And mean.)"
OK, she doesn't want you to trust that you can make it financially, trust your own thinking and since she is failing at undermining your confidence she is pulling out all the stops and going with creating a distorted body image.
"I KNEW it was a mistake but I did it anyway and of course she told me they looked awful and I was "bulging out of them" and so on. (They're nice, they're modest since I am a little heavy at the moment and I think they look quite decent. So does daughter and she can be brutal)."
Your response is wonderful! You made your own choices, you chose bathing suits that you felt look good on you and you affirmed that. Again.. you show you are your own person who can decide independent of her input. This is another loss of control for her.
These dynamics are based on my personal experience living with the effects of alcoholism in the family. Please take what you like and leave the rest. In my experience my exmil used finances, undermining mine and her son's self worth and pity for her (martyrdom) as a stranglehold for keeping control under her control.
Alanon is a way to a better life. You show in so many ways that you're living a happy, joyous and free life since the Alanon. We aren't responsible for others internal demons and struggles. You've done a great job showing a daughter's love and care without trying to change her to your expectations. Keep working it your worth it. Hp has you through all of this. (((hugs))) TT
Oh and just an FYI... from pics you've shared, I think you look beautiful and have great style when it comes to fashion.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you TT, for finding positive affirmations amongst my complainings!! lol!
I feel good about letting it go now.
I just can't spend any more of my life trying to figure out this sort of behaviour and find a way to manipulate it into being something more palatable to me. It's a fool's errand.
I do feel more and more that some family members and previous significant others see my role as being someone to tear down so as to make their own lives seem better by comparison. And as you say, everything I am doing with my life currently and the way that the rest of the world interracts with me gives me very, very different messages about myself. On the whole, people seem to enjoy talking to me- and being older I find I have a great rapport with most of my teachers which is fabulous because I guess in a short while they'll be peers and colleagues.
What you say gives me food for thought because the number one thing I have been very excited about and talking about lately to mother and grandmother is the fact that I am into the home stretch and I will in fact ACTUALLY FINISH my degree in the not too distant future, and I have some good plans for how I will begin my career immediately following this happy event. And I don't think anyone thought I was ever going to actually finish...in fact I didn't think I would either until this year. I can best explain it as I felt I was in no way capable of actually being a grown up with a real life career and that even if I passed the academia I would never be capable of actually becoming a professional. And something huge has shifted in these past 12 months or so and suddenly I feel very differently. I know my stuff, I'm passionate; I can and will do this and I think offer something to the world in the process. I've completed more units in the past 12 months than ever before and I'm just about to begin Summer school too; this train ain't stopping until I'm driving it with a square hat and a black robe on lol
Maybe that's threatening to people that are used to me being the poor hopeless sad case of the family. I'll actually be the first woman ever in my family with a degree...and it's a large family. It's quite a change of roles I guess! Oh well, they can get used to it or not. Sticks and stones huh?
Anyway thanks for your words TT; you've reminded me of some very special things to be grateful for. Midlife college and al-anon, what amazing gifts. I'm blessed- and I have an amazing daughter and the chance to be a kind and nurturing mother as well. That can't be underestimated; it's very healing.
So, yay!
Frown officially turned upside down
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
If she has genuine dementia, then she basically has a condition that makes her insane. Or increased drinking leading to forgetfulness.
If she is just putting it on, then she basically has a condition that makes her insane. Because that would be the most messed-up, bizarre thing to do.
Either sounds possible.
What makes me think the memory problems might be real is when you said that thing about "Oh well, I guess I just called up a stranger and talked about Christmas for a while," you both laughed and then she let it go. If she was saying she didn't remember in order to mess with your mind, I'd think she would get after you about it and gaslight you in some way rather than just letting it go.
I can also imagine your grandmother could be in denial. Because even if your mother had had no memory issues, your grandmother's way of dismissing your concern doesn't sound like someone who's taking the situation seriously and considering it thoughtfully.
Either way, the fact is that your mother also baits you and acts aggressive and hurtfully. That is something to protect yourself from no matter where it's coming from. You were a saint to keep from reacting.
I confess that after the third or fourth instance of insults or callous behavior, I would have said "This is not a day I'm standing for any more insults. You need to leave now." However, I'm sure that would have provoked World War III and probably a normal person would want to avoid that. I do think your mother is very lucky that you are still speaking to her.
Hang in there! You are so awesome despite all their nonsense.
I'm not trying to make a diagnosis here, but this behavior sounds a lot like someone with a Cluster B personality disorder. Whatever the case, it sounds like Mums is a major control freak, and your growing independence is driving her nuts and, as was said above, she's pulling out all the stops to try to make you change back.
(((MissMel))) - so very sorry for the 'day from he!!' you had..... Those above me have truly shared some golden thoughts.
My mother only gets mean when she drinks too much. She now lives in another state, and I don't have to endure it often, if at all. I usually call during the daylight to avoid the boozey conversations.
Bless you and her - she doesn't have a program and you do. You've been able to share about it and bounce back a bit and she's still stuck in the problem. I am always so grateful to get away from sticky situations and realize I am truly blessed because I have tools to help me be, think, act and react differently.
It's a new day - you are worthy....hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is very true that she doesn't have a program and I do. I forgot to remember that, and it turns everything upside down doesn't it?
Her turn-about is a bit of a kick in the guts I guess because she has been so AMAZINGLY NICE for ages up until now. I had gotten used to it.
But here's the thing that occurred to me after a good long night's sleep. This is not the new behaviour. This is the behaviour I grew up with. This is the mum I know.
The NICE mum was the new and anomolous behaviour and WOW it was nice! She actually told me "I love you" for the very first time in my life a few years ago, and started visiting me and doing amazing nice things after a lifetime of acting as though she utterly hated me. It has been so nice. I don't know why the sudden shift back but I do know it doesn't hurt like it used to and that's all al-anon. I am not wondering what's wrong with me???? Someone else's opinions of me and emotions towards me fall very firmly in the category of Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys as far as I am concerned. And it doesn't undo the nice years, it's just a reminder to be mindful and keep my boundaries and integrity and program in place where they belong- with EVERYONE, no exceptions!! No time off for good behaviour!!
I think it's important that I dive into program over this. I had a WEIRD moment yesterday when I was in the shop biting back tears over her gleeful humiliation of me and I thought to myself "Damn it Mel, DON'T let him get to you. You're better than this!!". (Don't let HIM get to you...for a weird few seconds I actually got confused and thought I was angry and upset with ABF...the behaviour and circumstances were so very familiar and similar and I was quite deep in raw emotion. (Then I realised he wasn't even there and has been nothing but nice to me for months and months; I was so shocked when I realised I'd thought of him in that moment that it shocked me out of feeling sad!) (Yikes, now I sound like the crazy one, lol!)
But that tells me that I need to not dwell on the behaviour or worry about the person but, I do think I need to think on this and apply program to it in a major way. At least doing that isn't scary any more. Part of me attracts this kind of cruel bullying and responds to it with such grief and horror...I think I'd like to have a look at that with my new grown-up eyes because it doesn't work for me at all. I wonder if applying a step-4 to certain types of relationships might be a helpful way to look at it. Hmmm.
(((everyone))) and thanks for the amazing inputs. I feel privileged to know you all
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
