The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here. I have never had an AH this close before and although I am familiar with the program due to a recovering late Brother in law, it never hit home like this has. This is my neighbor. His live in has left and moved back twice now,this third time he had no one. I understood he was a drinker, but he was never abusive , if anything he was fun. I did not have to live with him however. Until she left that is. He latched onto me, I allowed it, I am learning how co dependent I was with him. I fell in love with the guy in the process of trying to help.zHE always said I am his best friend. He will never forget what I have done for him. He has told me from day one he is not in love with me. He knows my feelings for him. We were more or less a friends with benefits. I understood I was his. " because she wasn't" and thought I could deal with it. I was alone, by choice for going on 6 years due to a failed marriage and 18 yrs. of a guy who would never commit. Now this guy. We hit it off, hung out, I drank with him but I have an off switch, he does not. I found out he would start when he woke up to " calm his nerves" He has anxiety meds but you cant drink on them. Guess what won out? He would black out, I got worried .He went from one bar to the next and had to take a cab because of a DWI. Had to take him to the hospital once, he wanted to go to rehab but if you go to the hospital and don't have a certain alcohol level present they hook you up to i.v. and send you home. He had to move back home because he could not afford living on his own, and his drinking was using money he should have paid bills with. I drove him to work, I fed him many times or he would not have eaten. His drinking has caused a stomach issue he has to have procedures done he cant swallow properly. It got so bad his sister finally said you are going to rehab,she got airfare sent him to another state he was gone a month. He is back, he is back with the ex. Has told me we can be distant friends , he loves this gal and that it that. I am heartbroken. I cry a lot. Ive gone to alanon meetings the online ones it helps to an extent. I know my involvement in this in him. I am trying to deal, to get over him. I am having a hard time. Guess I just needed to vent. My best friend lives in another state she knows what I am going thru . I have the sister whos husband was in the program and she went to Alanon as well. I am really broken and hurt and sad. I go walking every single day to clear my head. I sing songs he used to play on the guitar and sing with me. I hope this pain goes away soon. I just lost 100 lbs. I have my own carb addiction I am winning over. I do not want this to get me to a setback in my own struggles. I really was better off when I was alone living my life and none of this heartbreaking drama.
Have you found a face-to-face meeting? When we have to deal with this much pain and sadness, it's important to get all the support we can. They say to try 6 meetings because they're all different. No one should have to go through this alone.
It's clear that like so many of us, you wanted a companion in your life, someone who you mattered to. And often when we find someone who is essential unavailable, our radar goes off and we feel a kind of familiarity, because it echoes a situation in our family of origin. I always feel a craving to "win" with my alcoholic - to get him to stop having one eye on alcohol all the time and to get his full attention. And then the dynamic gets emotional and chaotic. And I realized eventually that I was as addicted to him as he was addicted to alcohol. Being with him and the issues he brought with him kept me from having to look at my own life and sadnesses and difficulties. Of course the problem was that then he brought new sadnesses and difficulties, and the old ones weren't being solved because I was so focused on the new ones, and soon I had a huge ball of sadness and chaos and turmoil.
And the alcoholic keeps on drinking, which numbs his own feelings and leaves a trail of destruction in his wake.
It's a huge important thing for us to work on our own recovery, and understand how we got into this situation, and do all the things we can do to heal and to keep ourselves from getting in the same situation again. That would include things like reading through the posts on this board, finding a meeting, looking out for a sponsor, getting the literature, and getting the tools and support to take very good care of yourself. Hugs.
We are attracted to wounded people for various reasons. I sense that you identified with his sickness and not any wellness and that was not the crux of a healthy relationship....not to mention his being unavailable. Maybe he seemed safer at the time and then wound up being more dangerous. Either way, sounds like you have undergone a big body transformation. I think alanon could help you just get to know yourself better on the inside.
Welcome Char. Glad you found us and hope you like this board and will keep coming back. Great that you're attending in person Alanon and have people who care about you who are in recovery. That is a real gift. Congratulations on the other self care practices you've set in motion. Healthy life changes really take dedication. You obviously wanted to make those changes. It's an awesome accomplishment. I think you sound strong in your conviction to continue to love yourself and not engage in self sabatoge due to what has happened with this guy.
Maybe you thought "I've got this," when you allowed this guy into your life. After being on your own for so long you may have resolved to keep things just friendly. OK so your heart got hooked. It happens, right? So.. your higher power wants something else instead for you, likely something much better - although it might be hard to wrap your mind around that while you're hurting right now.
I really like these sayings. They've really helped me at times. I hope they help you feel a little better too.
Never make someone your priority and allow yourself to be their option.
Rejection is God's protection.
(((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 12th of November 2015 09:29:58 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
