The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have come to a point with myself where I feel numb. I moved out of the house over two months ago and I feel like a zombie just going about my typical day. Every day.
I miss my fiance. He has only had one drink in 66 days and I am so amazingly proud of him. We talk on the phone several times a day and have been working on our issues... things between us are getting better out but I'm so scared to go back. Today he asked me if I had thought about moving back in (my temporary place to stay isn't going to be available much longer). I said that I had thought about it but it won't work right now. The pain from the past year is at the forefront of my mind and I am just starting to get my mental and emotional strength back.
The biggest reality is that I'm scared to live with him again because I'm afraid of a relapse. I don't want to live my life with an alcoholic but as he has found his sober side again, we have found each other again.
The pain of loving an alcoholic is intense. But the love itself is even more intense.
I am so tired. I'll start again tomorrow and see what happens...
I can very much relate to the feeling of overhwhelming. I just set my goals each day and try to meet them and work on self care. I set short term plans and keep working and working on my self care because it completely dissipated around the A.
I do not focus that much on what the A is doing. Of course I am very very aware of it. I am very aware that he does not take care of things and that his life is chaos. I work hard not to allow his chaos to invade my life on the same level.
One of the best things someone here told me was to rest. I have to rest a lot and work on self care a lot and set small goals and keep working on refining them. I deserve a life that is healthy not one that is on overwhelm.
I can very very much relate to not knowing where to go next but I keep getting up each day and working on self care again.
Hi, I really identified with what you're feeling right now, I've been there. Please remember that 'this too shall pass'. You need time to heal and regain your strength. You don't need to make any choices until you're ready and when the time is right you'll know. Take care of yourself and trust your HP to take care of the rest. I wish you both well and hope your A maintains his sobriety. I found early recovery a very difficult time for both myself and my A. There were a lot of adjustments and many 'ups & downs'. I felt vulnerable and scared when I hit "numb". My sponsor at the time told me I was experiencing progress as I'd got off the emotional roller-coaster! My reply... "I thought progress would feel nicer than this". Hers... "Well that's what comes of expectations!" What I can tell you is that nothing stays the same for ever. In the end its the journey that counts and the lessons we learn. Things got better for me, I hope they do for you and yours. With love in the fellowship.
I focused in on what you said, that you talk to him several times a day. It sounds like you have not given yourself a chance to find the strangth that you DO possess.
Maybe having so much contact with him, while being away form him, is what is draining you so much? His (so far) successful recovery makes it seem maybe that he is getting healthy, while you are living in temp home, still hanging on him and what he does.
You may find that if you limit the calls just a little bit, talk to him once every day or two, for example, instead...you will be forcing yourself to find it within yourself to make some more progress? You will be forcing yourself to think more about YOU, instead of what is he doing now?That has been my experience, I make the effort to only call about twice a week, and growth has occurred in me. I have had to think about me more, and my day, and if I feel lonely or lost or bad, try to make myself feel better. It is getting easier all the time. Just some food for thought.
If things are going good for now stick with your boundary for yourself. Only you know if you are emotionally vulnerable at this time. There is a saying that goes if it ain't broke don't fix it. What is best for you at the moment? Consider your feelings first. Stay in touch. Luv Leo xx
