Welcome to MIP Kate19, this is a wonderful place with lots of good feedback and I'm sure that reading here you will learn a great deal about the affects that alcoholism can have on everyone who comes into contact with it.

Your picnic in Paris sounds lovely, I can just picture it and kind of understand your concern that you may loose these opportunities with your husband. In time I think that you will find that it will be ok.

If your husband feels that he needs to stop drinking it is important, and it is a difficult thing to do, especially in the early days. My husband found it very tough indeed so I stuck to water for the first six months but now, two years later, he is comfortable if I choose to have wine when we go out somewhere. I don't get drunk, but I still have a good time!

As you know, it would not be any easier for you if your husband was violent or not working so well - you would just have different problems to worry about and by that time it would be a lot harder to turn that juggernaut around. As you have discovered, negative thinking can make us feel guilty and 'less than' and that highlights our own insecurities as well so it is important that you take care of you as well. So - sometimes I miss having a drink with a meal (you are not alone!) but as you describe it is not that big a deal. Since I don't want to feel like a martyr and become a resentful old nun I usually do have a glass of wine when I am out with friends and family; From time to time I might also have a glass of wine in a restaurant when I'm out with my husband as well, but then again sometimes I don't - because sometimes I want to be there 'with him' on his terms - and that is ok with me as well.

It is a balance between the benefits of my husband not drinking vastly outweighing the benefits of my having a glass of wine from time to time. Before he stopped drinking he progressed from being fun and my very best friend, to falling asleep on the couch every night, to becoming someone who was frankly ghastly and picking an argument at 10.15 every morning so he could pour himself a glass of wine by 10.30am. This crazy making behaviour undermined my own self esteem in a really insidious way. Believe me, it is a progressive problem.

The important thing for me is that it is my choice.

I can relate. At the beginning I wondered what life would be like without drinking. When a loved one first comes into recovery you see the world a bit differently and realize how much social drinking is around us on a daily basis. I grew up in the disease and also have an AH. When my AH first stopped drinking I worried how it would be, how we would socialize with friends, etc. I quickly learned that you adapt and find other things to have fun doing. It has strengthened our family and we have more time and patients for our two young kids. I am no longer tired on the weekends as I have had a good night sleep and am not hungover. Even though I never drank a ton, you don't realize how much just one or two drinks affects your sleep. We have been super productive with getting projects done around our house. We have had to pull back a bit from the social scene and have had to stop seeing some friends as they drink a lot and my husband is not at a point in his recovery where he would feel all that comfortable around a lot of drinking but it has helped us reconnect as a couple.
I do have a glass of wine if we do go out to dinner or if we are at someone elses house as my husband has said he was perfectly fine with that. I just choose not to drink at home. Pluses are also :a) you save a ton of money and b) you lose weight. See there are positives to this! Best of luck to you and your husband. I just wanted to chime in and tell you you were not alone in your worry but I think if you give it time you will see that there are a lot of positives to this new way of life.

I will also add that even though he seems to be a happy drunk now that could turn. My AH was the life of the party, functioning A with a finance job, and very outgoing. When his alcholism started to take a turn last year, he became a very negative person and someone I just didn't know. Just because he is a happy drunk now with a great career does not mean that couldn't all go away. As many have already said, this disease is very cunning and progressive. Cuddos to him for making this change and realizing he has a problem. That takes a lot of guts and courage.

Hi Kate,
I have scenario #2 above. We went to Paris and enjoyed croissants filled with chocolate. My hubby got cancer from his whiskey career. You know, where the burn is when you swallow the whiskey in the back of the throat? That is where the cancer grew. He beat it and now we go to Paris. Alcohol abuse tried to destroy his health and still partially has hurt his health. He has lots of side effects from the cancer treatment. But we DO still go to Paris. In a few weeks we will go to Germany and the Christmas Markets. I may have a glass of gluewine, or maybe not. He will stick to water. We just came back from Venice and Greece. All this would never had happened if he was still drinking. It is progressive, and the fun drunk turns into the icky drunk who turns into the passed out drunk etc. You can drink if you are not an alcoholic. My hubby says he can have the first glass of whatever for 5 bucks, but the second drink would cost him everything he has. He can't quit after one drink. I can. He can't set the glass down if it still has something in it. I can.

I hope you get back to Paris.

Hey Kate - I'll weigh in from the Alcoholic side of this coin.....I had a ton of fun for a long, long while. Until it wasn't fun any more and it became a crutch and more important than anything else. My days were spent planning around when I could indulge and it became my higher power. I ended up in trouble with the law, so had a 'nudge from the judge' towards recovery.

I've been sober a long, long while now and can say that I am truly a ton more fun than before! I didn't stop being who I was, smart, witty, fun, etc. but instead began to 'be' that way all the time, and not just under the influence. I am a better friend as I am less likely to 'slip' with a secret. I am a better person as I can always drive home. I am a better daughter, sister, etc. as I remember now what we discussed and I was on time and present.

I was a happy drunk too, until I wasn't. Then I became a bit belligerent, a bit angry and a bit uncontrollable. Nobody could take my keys, nobody could tell me what to do/not do, etc. Slowly, I lost many friends - and can assume this is because my disease progressed and I changed. So, know that who he is as far as core values most likely will remain. I am happy, healthy and whole as a result of recovery - both sides of the coin.

I only touched the surface - there were many, many changes in me as the disease progressed and many, many fears within myself that I would no longer be fun, happy, friendly, etc. The truth was....I hadn't truly been that for a long while and didn't realize it until I was away from the substances.

Glad you're here!

I understand where you are coming from. Wife and I lived in Germany for three years, our bottle of wine moment was at the Tuileries outside the Louvre, and when I think about going back, I wonder how it would be different. Our lives didn't center around drinking, but there was drinking inside of so much of it, just because it was what we did, and really didn't harm anyone. Seemingly. And so much of our good food memories are about drinks as well. We enjoyed our kaesespaetzle as much as the hefeweizen we drank with it. So, someday when we go back, there will be differences. But of course, that won't be the only one, so we will just deal with it and enjoy ourselves that much more knowing that we are healthier and that we both made it far enough to be able to go back!

Kenny

Just so you know, putting off quit dates is quite a common thing with A's. There is always another reason to extend it. With mine, they became less and less rational as time went by. Somewhat like the legendary prayer that St. Augustine prayed "O Lord, give me chastity, just not yet"

I have also been to Oktoberfest, it is quite a sight, and can be quite a fun time. Hopefully it will go OK. The area is quite beautiful, if he decides to forego beer-drinking festivities, there is Neuschwannstein, Hohenschwangua (two of the most famous castles in the world), Berchtesgarden, and lots of other mountains to walk in. And Wagner. And I lived in the Black Forest, west of there, which is also quite beautiful and, as one of my visiting friends put it, quaint out the butt. Sorry to go on, I do miss it sometimes!

Kenny

 

 

Aloha Kate...I am glad I waited until more of the family weighed in on your original post....this family is so experienced and generous with recovery and I cannot help but being supported in my own recovery.  I relate to your post and to every return from the fellowship here as I have been around a long time and have heard some much of what is offered and so often again.  This is what has kept me alive as alcoholism is a mind and mood altering disease where I developed the compulsion with the allergy to it. I was also born with in it and later on practice it freely.  I needed to hear what all has been offered here and I needed to hear it with a open willing mind and the courage to change.  The condition of intoxification means under the influence of poisoning in the medical/health fields and I did not know until I sat in front of those who did.  I hope your husband QUITS FOR GOOD as often the ALCOHOLIC WILL STOP FOR A TIME ONLY. 

I wished my alcoholic/addict wife could drink like I did without the understanding of the differences between a females make up and the males make up.  She attempted willingly to drink like I did and it was almost fatal to her.  It was fatal to our marriage and home and family and almost everything else.  I had to stop completely to get free of it.

Keep and open mind here as the feedback you are getting is worth more than gold.   Keep coming back.   (((((hugs)))))