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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Not sure where to begin really, feeling so hopeless and constantly blamed. Needing some insight & ongoing support/TLC
Post Info TOPIC: Not sure where to begin really, feeling so hopeless and constantly blamed. Needing some insight & ongoing support/TLC
1breathatatime


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Not sure where to begin really, feeling so hopeless and constantly blamed. Needing some insight & ongoing support/TLC
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I need support to keep working on myself- doing the steps, and loving myself.

When my beloved alcoholic continues to blame me, and I continue to search my character for darkness and unconsciousness, he is relentless and skillful at manipulating the fault on to me- he has been bringing up the word chaos over and over again. And yet for 20 years I have lived with the chaos of unconscious behavior and continue to look inward at myself when he shows very little interest in looking at his deeper wounded self. So I feel very helpless despite years of couples therapy, 12 step work, spiritual and psychological work on myself... The patterns keep continuing and I worry for my three children who are becoming reactive, afraid, and anxious like us- I am sad, feel helpless, and need ongoing support, and people who are dealing with similar challenges to help me continue to have the strength to love my beloved alcoholic, my children, and myself. It is easy to begin to hate myself because I feel so very little consistent comfort coming my way despite my work to continue to have an open heart towards my family and friends.



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Debb


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Welcome {{1BAAT}} to MIP, you mentioned you are doing the step work, are you seeking
the support of face to face meetings? I am so sorry you are have such difficulties,
those that you are experiencing are quite normal when you live with an alcoholic,
but if you are having such a hard time, reaching out to your sponsor and the membershop
of your local Al-anon group, and here of course, would be such a help to you if your
home life is getting more difficult instead of easier.  Please keep coming back to talk.

 



-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 10th of November 2015 05:37:40 AM

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does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
hotrod


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RE: Not sure where to begin really, feeling so hopeless and constantly blamed. Needing some insight & ongoing support/TL
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Aside from working daily with a sponsor- I would suggest daily asset and gratitude lists. These will help you to focus on the reality of who you are and not buy into the blame game .

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Iamhere


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1breathatatime - Welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad you found your courage to share.

This disease sucks so much out of the A as well as those who live with and/or love them. I am happy to hear that you are embracing the program and the steps and have taken steps for self-care. What a great start of putting you first, which helps with your recovery.

I can relate to those feelings you have. It's a terrible feeling, and you are not crazy - I too began to believe and feel all the negative energy that came my way from my A(s). As I got active in this program, and threw myself into the middle of recovery, slowly but surely I began to see that it was the disease in control. Every single tool we learn in this program supports our recovery, and we begin to change and cope, no matter if they are or are not in recovery or changing.

When I stopped reacting, arguing, defending, and engaging in the verbal dance, it slowly began to change. As I continued my new behaviors, and used my tools, it got better and better. In learned early on about the three C(s) - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I apply this to just about everything. I learned neutral statements that intend to diffuse the drama such as, "You may be right", "I hadn't thought of it that way", "Let me think on that", and so on.

There is no one size tool use that fits all of us, but by working with a sponsor and using the tools and working the steps, we all usually find a path and journey that allows us to focus on ourselves, our peace and our happiness. Hang in there and try to just do one/two things for you today. Be gentle with yourself and remember that all you can control or change is you and your actions/reactions. I agree that gratitude and asset lists are great for helping change an attitude from despairing to positive.

Keep coming back here - you are not alone and we're just a post away!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
milkwood


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Welcome to MIP 1breathatatime (I love your name, it feels that way quite often doesn't it? )

I would be quite sunk without my gratitude lists, every evening I list the three best things of the day and from time to time I remember to add in my asset list - which really helps to combat all that senseless blaming.

You have probably done enough self-examination to last a lifetime! I remember I gave myself a little holiday from that when I started to believe some of the more rubbishy elements of the blame game. It is the blaming that has most come to undermine my love and respect for my husband and I have to remind myself that it was his disease that was talking - but it isn't easy when such an important person in our lives seems to feel so negatively about us is it? I suspect it is more frustration at themselves and feeling the need to let off steam than anything close to a truth - but that doesn't make it acceptable.

I decided to take alcohol out of the equation since I found that I was tolerating way more than I would from any sober person because of the 'drink' excuse. That has helped me to enforce my boundaries about being a doormat for hurtful behaviour. My boundary is that I do not accept blame for behaviour that is not mine. This has involved me in looking into what my behaviour is and what parts of it I do take responsibility for, but having done that I can fairly quickly recognise what to dwell on and what to let go. The second thing was learning about how we project our thinking onto others - so I try to be mindful of whether or not it is my interpretation of what is being said that is making me feel bad or whether it is something that my husband doesn't like about himself that is being projected onto me.

No one has the right to shame anyone else. It probably hurts the self esteem of the person doing it and it is a form of abuse. I try not to respond, or if I do to keep it very brief and too the point, for example 'I disagree, but don't feel a need to discuss this right now'. Or words to that effect.

Sending welcoming ((((((hugs))))))


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maryjane


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Sounds like you think your HP loves your "beloved alcoholic" more than your HP loves you?

The 4th step is YOUR truth. I found it liberating. I know that most alcoholics fear it. It set me free. I knew what the truth was. No one can take away your truth.

Take the alcohol out of the equation (like milkwood says) and look at the behavior of your spouse. I don't personally have much empathy or compassion for an abuser, drinking or not.

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maryjane
1breathatatime


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Thank you so much for your reply; I'm feeling alone in my journey right now which is hard. I don't have a sponsor yet. Did 12 steps for a long while with SLAA 20+ years ago, but now starting again- long journey ahead. I apprecaite the encouragement a lot. Thank you. I'm feeling pretty lost the last week, and I'm not sure why now more than other times which look the same as now. I think because I feel so helpless, and realize how much handing my powerlessness over to god is such a hard thing to stay committed to when my ego thinks its responsible for everything so I start to try and use my mind to figure out away to get relief from the emotional rejection of my husband. It is so sad when kids are involved. Hard to keep going... Lonely journey at times...



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Jerry F


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Not sure where to begin really, feeling so hopeless and constantly blamed. Needing some insight & ongoing support/TLC
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Aloha OneBreath...That brings back memories both good and bad for me.  The good part was when I learned how to quickly and clearly (saying what I mean, meaning what I was saying and not saying it mean) "That's just not true" and then....turning and walking away to do something else.  Of course I learned how to believe it "Was just not true" so there was no residual second guessing and long hours of "maybe she's right".  Self acceptance helped me to believe the "was just not true" and I let the anxiety go by.  Working solid 4th steps (mind, body, spirit and emotions) (6 of them) with my sponsor helped me to know who and what I was and then to rid myself of what was not useful and polish up and keep that which was and then continue to practice those things which I continue to do today.  Stop believing the lies...most of them are and are constructed to do exactly what they are doing to you now....focus on fear and anger.   STOP IT!! (my sponsor use to say it that way to me) and get on with the truth without having to go back and forth and back and forth with his tantrums and drama.  I was taught several other responses which are not fair to say on the board.   Standing with you and by you.

Keep coming back and don't engage...You don't have to accept every invitation to a fight.   (((((hugs))))) smile

 

PS...I would love to be there when you hand that target back to him and say you don't need it any longer.

 



-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 14th of November 2015 01:45:39 AM

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milkwood


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RE: Not sure where to begin really, feeling so hopeless and constantly blamed. Needing some insight & ongoing support/TL
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When I was young I used to hear my mother saying 'stop it' and now I understand what she was talking about. I use the 'stop it' phrase to quiet my mind but of course it came with a fair amount of concern about my mother. and then I came across this Bob Newheart sketch and now when I say 'stop it' I smile.

This is for all to enjoy it is a visit to a counsellor's office

www.youtube.com/watch



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dspdster4u


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Ibreatheatatime-- I feel your pain. I am quite new to this forum. I met a man and knew that he was a recovering alcoholic..and after 6 months of dating..as we were learning about each other...I found out that he was also a 4 time felon, a tax evader and the most self centered man I had ever met. The only problem was that we had fallen in love. Months later...I'm thinking,"what did I get myself into?" The emotions are like a roller coaster...the words spoken can be so cruel and devastating...the accusations and blaming are unwarranted..and now we are once again giving each other "air time", because he needs space. I am not married to him...I don't know if that would ever happen....but I fell in love with him. You seem to have experienced all of my pain and more...and maybe I was brought to this site to find answers. I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting this next Monday...I have got to have answers before I go crazy. So many questions...


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Sharron Porter
Iamhere


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dspdster4u - Welcome to MIP - so very glad you found us and glad you found your courage to join us.

Yay for you that you have looked for Al-anon meetings and plan to attend. That's exactly where to start to better understand this disease and how it affects everyone.

So glad you are here - keep coming back!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Mattie


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I'm glad you are renewing your efforts.  We all deserve to feel safe and happy.  I know I found I simply could not remain in the same house with my A and keep my head above the chaos and insanity that was erupting.  My A was not even an extra angry type of A, but he was still blaming, unpredictable, deceptive, chaotic, and full of insane thinking.  It was literally like living in a madhouse.  Some people are able to keep their heads above water in that situation.  Many are simply not.  I hope you can double down on your recovery and find your clear path in all the craziness.  It is there.  Hugs.



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