Oh please be gentle with yourself.

I remember with my XAH how I felt when he was very clear with me "I don't love you. I never did. I love someone else." I'm sure that some of that was his diseased thinking, or at least I want to believe that was the case. At this point it doesn't matter I just know what was wrong with me. How was I that defective that he just couldn't love me back? It was devastating to think our whole relationship was based on a lie. Or multiple lies as we have two beautiful children that he chooses not to be involved with .. that is so sad to me.

What I have learned about him and about the disease is that as long as they are seeking their feel goods outside of themselves they will continue to get what they got which is a relapse waiting to happen. They aren't out of their own issues. He's not secure he's just put a superficial band aide on it. I'm just speaking from my own experience in watching my XAH self destruct in that relationship he actually wound up in a mental ward before it was all said and done.

I am sorry that you are hurt and disappointed. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact he's not ok. People who are working a program of recovery refrain from getting involved with someone else for a LONG time as in at least a couple of years unless they are already in a relationship then no major changes no different than Alanon. However they don't go complicate things to cover stuff up.

As a side note my XAH literally married someone the day after our divorce was finalized a second time .. LOL .. there's a story for you. Anyway, long story in the cliff note version .. she has got her hands full and has found things out that she's so not happy about .. the best part .. I don't have to be a part because it's not my monkey not my circus .. I watch from afar since we have kids involved. He's not involved with the original woman he was having the affair with.

You deserve to have someone who is into you. You deserve to know your own self worth. You deserve someone who doesn't cause you to doubt your own sanity. You deserve someone who can love you back.

I haven't gotten back out into dating and I'm ok with that .. my life is way to busy at this point maybe someday .. not today. I want you to know that without a relationship I'm ok. I really like who I have become and I am so grateful he gave me the gift of dodging the bullet of waiting longer for him to "get better" or get better and wondering what could possibly be going on in terms of affairs. I'm truly blessed in my life.

If you pray about it, it is a good move for you maybe selling your home isn't a bad idea .. just wait until you are in a space of not acting on emotional responses. It is totally ok to feel the way you do .. just know it really will pass .. maybe like a kidney stone .. it will pass.

Big hugs, and I'm sorry that dreams die hard at times .. you don't know what gifts your higher power has in store for you out of the rebuilding of your life. I pray that it's without the chaos of what you have recently gone through.

S :)
Hugs S :)

 

 

I love what  Serenity offers to you..."Oh please be gentle with your self"...because it is a first lesson on separating myself from the trouble that resulted in so much pain.  I needed someone to be gentle with me and why not me?  Feeling bad and calling myself stupid, a  fool and other degrading un-earned names is self defeating and I had to learn that...  I permitted my alcoholic/addict wife the power to make me feel sick and hurt and she never asked for the opportunity...go figure!!  That seemed to be the natural way spouses of alcoholics and addicts reacted to the sick person and we had choices to act in different uplifting ways.  Ours is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and we need as many meetings and fellowship inter-reaction to stay sane and alive while it tries to take us down.  I won't take us down until and unless we allow it.  Keep coming back...peace of mind and serenity and sanity are waiting for you.    (((((hugs)))))