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I start this off that way becayse i swear i just dont know who i am, what i feel or what i think. I do think its startinhlg to sink into my ah that im done. I left this house this morning and have stayed away all day. Let him kno i might go to my parents for dinner and woukd like to bring daughter but that if he would like time with her as i had her last night, that would be ok and id respect that and go on my own. He wrote back saying. . "No its ok. She needs to see them. I may go to a buddies house, notsure. Need friends, "( needs to see them? He hasnt hD a nice word to say about them inmonths or more). Soooo why do i feel baD. Why do i questionhis response. . Shoukdnt i feel good about offering and good that she will be with me. . Or shoukd i be angry he doesnt want to take her and questioning his motive. Or is it that it hurts me to know hes hurting. What has happened? Why are feelings and responses just not as they are. . Why do i care? I should be outraged at this man yet i find myself saddened that hes hurting. I know hes still drinking. Was out last night and ive been finding empties in his office. I know he feels his world is crashing in and im actually serious that im done. . Shouldnt i take comfort in that? Instead i cry as i read the message and kno hes a mess. I feel responsible for his "needing friends". . Maybe its that i never wanted this hurt i never wanted him to lose. . But in the end its not and hasnt been in my control. . .i just didnt understand the far reaching effects of all if this. . This life of alcoholism, detachment and whatever else. Closure will help but that said. . I worry for him. I see why div women of alc still come to these boards. . Life is different for us i guess. . Thanks for listening. My head and heart are swirling.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Alcoholism typically has the effect of making us overfocused on the alcoholic. They are so volatile that our whole lives start to revolve around trying to predict what they're going to do, reacting to them, soothing them, getting out of their way, trying to control them... That's why there's that Al-Anon joke about the Al-Anoner who, when she's about to die, has her A's life flash before her eyes. We almost stop living our own lives and start living theirs.
Obviously this isn't healthy for us and doesn't make us feel good or give us serenity.
Another thing that happens is that we lose practice at living our own lives, staying on our own side of the street. Maybe parts of our life are not all that great, and we've distracted ourselves by overfocusing on our A. Of course that doesn't solve our own problems, so when we try to focus on our own selves again, we're face to face with all the stuff we haven't been working on all this time. It can take some time to get our attention shifted back to ourselves.
It sounds like that's what you're faced with. More program, recovery, and practice - it gets easier and easier!
I remember that awareness isn't always comfortable, but I think that you are asking yourself some good questions. I hope that you have a lovely evening with your family and daughter and find some time to relax, just for you. Sending (((((hugs))))))
You're right Ocean calls...awareness "at first" isn't comfortable and then it becomes magic because I got to see and understand the picture before I arrived in it rather than let it surprise and beat me before Al-Anon. "If you keep and open mind....you will find help". (from the closing of our meetings). (((((hugs))))
This relationship has done a number on you. You have been walking on eggshells and trying to please him at the expense of yourself for a LONG time. It will take effort and time to change TOC. How is your spiritual connection? Do you take any comfort there? His HP can take care of him. Let go.
My spiritual connection is weak. .But your right i need to.let hlgo and let God. And i need to reconnect. . Sadly my friend who was my "sister in Christ" has stepped aside and another one is so hurt she struggles to come alongside me without reliving her own trauma.and yes, this relationship has done a number on me. . but whyyyy is it so hard to let go, . I dont know who i am. . I hurt for him. . Why. . I didnt do this. . I watched it and lived it. . I feel badly for what will be his loneliness and i have great trouble putting myself first. I ache. I weep. I woiry, . And yet i know i want out. .i fear for him amd feel guiltyand . I get scared and numb for me. .
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Saturday 7th of November 2015 08:58:41 PM
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Sister...Only one of the things I learned in our Family Groups is change is impossible until we arrive at it. The pain and sadness and hurt are temporary. Keep walking the walk of the program until it becomes usual and natural for you. ((((hugs))))
I could have written much of this post years ago. I felt so sorry for my ex ah, felt responsible for his misery and his happiness, worried about leaving him because i actually thought he would die or his life would spiral way out of control!!!! I was so fearful for him.
Now i can see this, all of it as the disease within me. The constantly thinking about him, his feelings, imagined by me, his behqviours and actions wasnt really about care and compassion. I was simply obsessed with him.
I was hyper sensitive to his moods and body language and attached a story to each and every one. Like, he seems really sad today, its because i did or said ......... this was nonsense.
The truth was a bit more like, he would sulk around or act sad as it had an effect on me that allowed his drinking to continue guilt free. It suited him for me to be obsessed with him. My part in it however was much more interesting.
I was obsessed with him. I had a huge inflated ego. Telling myself he needed me, he would die without me, his life would be nothing withput me. Me, me, me. This is the ism, literally, i, self, me. It seems ridiculous to me now im free of this but i believed i was the centre of another human beings existence. Wow, i was his mother, an obsessed over possessive, addicted to the misery and drama that came with living with an alcoholic.
The thought that actually he was born, like everyone else, to survive, he has an innate desire to live regardless of what i said or did or didnt do was way beyond me. In my mind he needed me to survive. Ive since learned that only small children need a mother for survival. Alcoholics need a mother like a hole i the head to be quite honest. In fact, a mother is the last thing they need.
I hat to break it to you, and i doubt you can hear me, not to be arrogant but i certainly couldnt hear anyone while i this mode, you dont have the power to save or to sink this man, you never did. You are not the centre of his universe if he is an alcoholic, drink is. He will survive no matter what you do.
I left my ah about 6 or 7 yrs ago, cant remember and yeah he put on the whole im sinking routine, it always got him the results he wanted so of course that was his firzt go to tactic but i had gotten alanon and found out i was a seperate person so when it didnt work he got himself recovery and has been in the AA for a few yrs now. So actually, me leaving, breaking away from each other saved both our lives.
Some uncomfortable things came up for me when I started to become aware of my situation, in effect I found myself questioning my choices and loosing trust in myself and who I was. While I was raising those questions I was pretty tough on me disappointed in myself but the reality is that within that process I came to see that I have choices, that I can do it (whatever it is that I want 'it' to be!).
I would have liked someone in my life who wanted to comfort and take care of me, but I am grateful that I have come to learn that the care that I seek can also come from within me as well.
I had to remind myself to be gentle with me, to be kind and forgiving, and to take pride in the lessons and give myself plenty of gold stars! I wish you the same loving kindness, I know you have it in you!
I can identify with everyone. I was the princess and enabler until I set boundaries he didn't like and then I was the enemy. I kept thinking he would be better with time for his brain to heal. He wasn't. I have cried a million tears for him. I finally realized I was grieving the loss of my marriage and the future I thought I would have more than grieving him. I was simply an object to him standing in his way. He is living exactly like he wants to live now and it isn't pretty. I'm in the middle of a divorce and am grateful to God for getting me out of this mess. It has been and is very painful, but I am spared spending the rest of my life in this chaos.
Please share your divorcing experiences with me. Ive been married 17yrs, one 11 yr old and its time to be done but i find dealing with irrational selfishness to be near impossible
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
