The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After moving 500 miles away from them to retire, I am in the middle of a visit to adult children. Our oldest is very angry that we moved and I knew that visiting her would be challenging to me. I encountered a house full of resentment and had to work hard in using the Alanon tools to maintain serenity. She has been relentless with the guilt zingers on us leaving the grandchildren and not beings there for important events in their lives.
The house was filthy and I cleaned after examining my motives. I thought that I was doing it to take care of myself and my need to me in a somewhat clean environment, but halfway thru the cleaning process I got a bolt of thought that no, I was doing this because of fear-my husband was coming for a surprise visit during a business trip and I was trying to protect my daughter against his reaction.
I stopped cleaning and relaxed.
My son-in-law let me have it after I expressed a concern about my daughter. He told me I had abandoned my grandchildren (10, 13 and 15) when they needed us, that no one wanted to visit us when we were 10 hours away because we left them, that my daughter hoped our house was losing value, my husband was the bad guy for making me move, and finally that I was always welcome to visit. My head was spinning, and I cried. But, I knew not to respond. I did make the mistake of sharing that I had told my husband at one point that I did not want to go. In hindsight, I am thinking that somewhere the boundaries are all messed up. When they get annoyed by something I say, there is the silent treatment. I got it the day before yesterday for asking about Thanksgiving and mentioning that I had been talking to my brother about seeing them. My daughter is hosting and she said my brother will not be invited because she does not like his kids. I kept my mouth shut and prayed the serenity prayer. She would not talk to me after the exchange, and once I realized the next day that I was still in isolation, I went back to the moments with the kids and asked if any of them wanted to play cards. We had a great time, hooting and hollering.
So, my bottom line is that I knew what to do. It was hard work. I am dealing with people who want to press my guilt buttons because it has always worked in the past and I have jumped through the hoops they set up. But I am not comfortable with that anymore. It threatens my serenity and makes me feel yucky. I feel confused about why they would pit me against my husband and our new life. It was hard for me to retire and move to a new place, and I am working on getting out, trying new things and accepting this new life. Sometimes I miss my kids, but to be honest I do not miss the BS. I raised my kids, they can raise theirs.
Not looking forward to Thanksgiving, as we are going to their house...
Akk, it sounds like you are definitely using your Al-Anon tools!! I have the same family difficulties since
I moved an hour away from my Mother, Father, Son, Brother, Daughter-in-law and Grand-daughter.
There are so many guilt trips ladeled on me it is not funny. I, like you, have a bottom line, and it is that
it's my life and I'm doing the best I can. If my family has a problem with the distance, then it is their
problem not mine, because I love my life just the way it is! {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Debb, I am glad I read this today......Although I know I am becoming stronger, sometimes I feel like I am being self centered in doing so. I am working very hard on taking care of me, that i feel as if I am leaving everything and everyone else behind me..therefore this makes me feel selfish which I have never been before...In the past nothing was about me....Am I going overboard? Do I need to slow down? I know this is one day at a time. I am doing so much to stay busy that I am starting to miss meetings including f2f meetings. I think I have bought just about EVERY Al Anon book published yet dont have so much time to read them....I desperately want a sponsor...but after 3 months ( today) I still don't have one. Like you Debb I want to say I am starting to love my life the way it is..but question myself If I really do....still riding the roller coaster on a lot of things. Yet I know I have progressed.
(((( MIP )))) Again thanks for letting me talk (type ) this out....
I too applaud you Debra, you are not selfish or self-centered at all for working
the Al-Anon program! You should be proud that you are learning how to live
a more healthy life!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Strength is not selfish - it's beautiful in it's own way!!! I'm catching up from the weekend so pardon my late post!
What a great reading....we had a talk in a meeting last week about putting self first instead of selfish. It was a great meeting.
Selfish is when we do only for ourselves, without thought, without concern and often leaving 'dead bodies' in our wake.
Putting self first just means that instead of planning, thinking, doing with everyone else in mind, we start our planning and doing with ourselves at the top of the list.
I am a woman first and foremost. I am also a wife, mother, sister, niece, cousin, friend, etc. (<<< no particular order)...
When I take care of my needs first, I am a much better wife, mother, sister, etc.
This has proven itself to me over and over and over again. So, my mental strength directly results from loving myself first and then loving those around me next.
AKK - great use of your program and tools. Families are so, so, so difficult. Try to not take their actions/attitudes/etc. personally - QTIP! While they are directed at you, it's truly not about you - it's about them. It took me a long, long while to detach from the personal attacks - and at times, I still fall into the victim role. Just late last week, one of my sons suggested I was selfish and blah-blah-blah because he didn't get his way over a package. I texted back, and just said, I love you and am sorry you are having a bad day.
He blew a gasket at that, but clearly it had some affect because he called later and apologized. This program has given me the power to not react but just speak my truth as softly as possible.
Great post Debb - thanks for your service!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
