The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately my husband of 28 years is scaring me! We are both drinkers but his consumption and behavior has been worrisome. One night he fell asleep outside beside the fire pit and accidentally Set the flowerbed straw on fire. I woke up to the smell of smoke and found him asleep surrounded by fire. He put it out & blew it off. Last night I went to bed early because of a chest cold and woke up to find him asleep outside is his sports car. i went out to the car but he would not come in. I went back inside and in a few minutes the car started revving up. He fell back asleep with his foot on the gas. I went back outside and made him come inside. He stumbled in pointing his finger at me like a gun - he thinks that is hilarious. Then he comes to the bedroom and starts pawing at me. For the first me in our married life am thinking about leaving him. I am really scared he is going to kill himself driving drunk or someone else. We are both college educated professionals with a 24 year old son who is about to graduate with his masters. What am I going to do????
Hello Scared Welcome I can readily identify with your concern and your desire to act. I would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is listed in the white pages .
It is here you will find members who understand as few others can as they have lived or are living with the problem of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a progressive ,chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. We did not cause it, cannot control it nor cure it. We can learn new tools to live by and how to take care of ourselves in the process.
Alanon suggests that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program, unless you are in a life threatening situation. The reason for this is that we need to stop reacting to the disease and focus on a real solution for ourselves. Keep coming back--- You are not alone
Welcome to MIP scared - glad you found us and glad you shared.
I would also be alarmed by the recent events. If the disease is active, my experience is that no amount of words can convince another person that they actions while under the influence are an issue/problem.
Recovery is a choice, and whether he sees it, treats it or not, you can choose recovery for yourself. Al-Anon will provide you with support and fellowship who understand what you live with, how you feel and no judgment. The program helps us learn how to find peace and serenity no matter what others are doing or are not doing.
So glad you found us and hope you can join our program and find some peace. You are not alone - we're just a post away!
(((Hugs))) for you and for your husband.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome S54 to MIP and understand your concerns as to how AH's drinking has affected you. I would get myself into a local Al-anon group as soon as possible http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting and talking with the members of this board as well. Unfortunately, alcoholism is a chronic and often fatal disease for which there is no cure, it can only be arrested. We who deal with family/friends who are alcoholics become just as sick as the alcoholic and need our own program of recovery. I found myself in the same place as you, I too drank along with my AH, but have not touched a drop in the last five years. Al-anon has given me back my dignity and has shown me how to take better care of myself, while helping me to understand and deal with my AH and his emotional/physical issues cause by his continued drinking.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hello~I can understand your fear. My spouse is now (most of the time) a dry drunk but I watched her drink and drive without giving a thought to it. My alcoholic seems to have a very selfish attitude and I think it comes with addiction. I became sick in a different way, by trying to control, change, and enforce my thinking onto my spouse. And how that turned out is that I became depressed, obsessed, lost my own self-esteem, and felt hopeless. I couldn't decide if I should leave, stay, move out of the bedroom, etc. I have over two years in alanon and I must say it is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. With the help of meetings, my sponsor, this board, and reading the literature, I am evolving into a human being I love and respect. You can too, by taking charge of yourself! Lyne
You have come to a marvellous place and I hope that you will have time to read other posts here and realise that you are not alone. I imagine that if these things are happening in your life you will also recognise lots of other, perhaps smaller, triggers as you read through other peoples posts.
I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this, I think that alcoholism is a baffling and hugely counter-intuitive disease. You have already received wonderful advice about seeking out Alanon. When I first when through those doors I felt a warmth and love and acceptance that I really appreciated. I also met people who were going through similar things to me and who could teach me how to rise above the madness and learn to keep it simple.
My husband is also an intelligent person and yet he made destructive choices that I was not able to go along with and that conflicted with my loyalty to him and our marriage. I learnt as much as I possibly could about alcoholism, which was useful, but whilst I learnt to understand his situation it took me a while to learn to look at my own. By that I mean that the stress of mad things going on, my fear of him hurting himself and my jitters at what mood my husband would be in when I got home all undermined my own feelings of worth and value - and as a Cosmo reading child of the '60s I never thought that was going to happen to me!
I could not control my husband's drinking and I found it easier when I started to respect his freedom to choose how he wanted to live. It also helped me to acknowledge that I had the same freedoms. I was sad that I could not hold my head up high and at the same time tolerate his choices. I therefore had to detach myself from his choices. But when I stopped getting involved in his craziness I also got out of his way - he had to deal with the consequences of his behaviour himself and I don't think that he liked himself or the way he was behaving and more than I did, but the choice to stop is a very difficult one and it had to be his.
I tried to let my husband know that I could not stand by his side where he was standing at that particular moment in time but that I would love to be with him again if the circumstances changed. I did not leave him. I might be in a healthier place now if I had (he is two years sober and I'm still more jittery than I would like to be!). However I did take regular holidays and visits with friends and gifted myself lots of treats and good things to counteract the crazy stuff that was going on.
To answer your question more directly, do what feels right and healthy and authentically true for you. I hope that you'll stick around. Sending warm, welcoming ((((hugs))))
I too got lost in my dry alcoholic marriage.
It happened so slowly and i was 28 when i
Got married so not young.
He put his needs first, after awhile mine did
Not carry much weight. I did not really even
Notice until the marriage i knew was in total
Tatters.
He started going to AA and i started alanon.
The marriage was dead by that time. Too late
For us. It was Not too late for me to heal and
Grow and learn to be happy without him. It is
Still a struggle my life did not turn out how i
Planned after a 30 year marriage.
I come from it and married into not an uncommon
Practice. You will gather strength and hope at
alanon meetings. It takes while to get the concepts
And understand "the program it is about me getting
Better, being happy and healthy" not about fixing
Or controlling someone else.
Scared, I do understand your feelings. I have been in that place of being scared by the odd and potentially dangerous behavior of a spouse whose drinking is beginning to seriously affect him.
What helped me, was when I came to realize I could not handle it alone. I shared what was happening with a good friend who understood, and later I finally got myself to Al-Anon. I needed "higher powers" -- which for me is the wider community of people who understand and have been affected by this family disease and who have learned knowledge and skills to survive it and thrive.
I just want to share that you are not alone, and it is not easy, but things can get better by reaching out.
Aloha Scared and welcome to the board and MIP family. Reading your post reminded me of the progressive nature of this disease and that it is also fatal without discrimination. It can and will take his life as well as others involved with him. Some of the events you have mentioned remind me also of the stages of the disease and passing out especially during life threatening events is considered "end stage" much like liver failure and more. The information about alcohol and alcoholism is wide and very available. You won't have to go to college like I did to come to understand about this cronic, compulsive, allergy of the mind and body which is addictive and as Betty says not curable...it must be arrested by total abstinence on a daily basis or the outcome is fatal with insanity.
What do you do? Educate and from my experience gather with the fellowship of Al-Anon in your area where the membership can tell you what happened to them, what they found out and what it is like for them now with the program. Keep coming back here to MIP...With and open mind, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. (((((hugs)))))
