The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been working really hard lately on detachment with my AH. I have felt very emotionally jerked around over the past week. He's hot and cold. He pulls me in or pushes me away and I can't deal with it. It has been very difficult because there has been a lot going on with someone in my family dying and I've been processing the fact that he's just not able to be there for me. It's disappointing and it hurts and at times it makes me really angry. So I am dealing with grief and he is being demanding over issues I see as just trivial. To deal with the disappointment and grief I've been trying to reach out and take comfort in those who can be there for me. That helps. The problem is the more I detach the more he seems to be trying to pick a fight. I was reading How Alanon Works this weekend and there was part in there talking about how the craziness of Alcoholism creates a tug of war between you and the Alcoholic. If you drop the rope and refuse to play there is no longer a game. My AH makes it really hard to walk away from it. He obviously notices that I'm dropping the rope. So he keeps upping the ante to try to get me to pick it up. Sometimes I do and as soon as I notice I have I try to let it go and walk away. He seems to do this weather he is drunk or not drunk. And when he's not pushing me to engage in a tug of war he's ignoring me and that hurts too. But I am using the serenity prayer. Enjoying the time I have to focus on my daughter. Connecting with friends etc. thanks for listening/reading :)
(((KT2015))) - so glad you came by and gave us a share. I see your program in action, and while it's difficult to deploy the suggested tools, you will find it better in the long run. When I began the program, and began to detach, they also revolted. I believe it's a panic step as the dance that has been consistent and predictable for so long has changed. While they often said they did not want to fight, argue, etc., my experience is that when I stopped it they were truly at a loss as to what to do next...
It's not like we fought always, but often enough that there was a void. The disease of alcoholism is progressive and is present even when the substance is removed or shelved. I've always believed that removing the alcohol is just a band-aid. A program of recovery is what works on the isms.
I am sorry to hear of the illness that's also present. That just adds another layer of emotions and concern that for me magnifies how difficult it is to live with or be affected by this disease. Good for you that you are reaching out to others who can support you. You'll find that same support in the program too, as most will have been where you are and/or felt what you are feeling.
As you get better, and your qualifer(s) see the changes 'sticking', things will change. In my case, they also looked for different ways to push my buttons or throw me off my game. But, as I continued to detach, over time, they finally figured out that I truly did not want to argue, disagree, right the ship, whatever any more. The more I stayed on my side of the street, the less often there were issues/fights/drama/chaos. And yes, at times, it's sad that those you love the most can't be 'here' for us in our time of need. When I start processing that way, with self-pity, that's when I make sure I have close program friends I can talk to. They can almost always help me turn that around and find gratitude in what I do have vs. focusing on what I don't have.
Huge (((Hugs))) to you. Keep working your program, attending meetings and reaching out and you will get through this. You are not alone - we're just a post away!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
KT2015 What you describe about the alcoholic upping the "ante" when they feel you are not longer playing "THEIR 'Game is very true . They seem to be shouting:"Change back".Alanon tools work. One Day at a Timei" all we need to do is keep the focus on ourselves, recite the serenity prayer when we want to engage and make the decision to maintain our serenity. It is a process and when we stop abandoning our ideals and self we are able to detach with love.
i am sorry to read of your impending loss. Prayers for all continue
