It's hard to believe, but it's been a year this week since I ceased living with abf and struck out on my own. A lot of this post will be about him, I don't say much about him any more so I hope that's OK; he's on my mind tonight as we've just spent a few days together.

I am mostly OK and sometimes not; I'm ploughing through my schooling and trying new things, but I also still isolate a lot and then wonder why I am lonely...I get very frustrated with myself. Then I look at myself 2 years ago and I realise it's all good; it's progress. There is a lot to be grateful for. I drive, not far but I drive, I don't smoke, I've completed more of my degree in 12 months than in the previous 4 years, I can and do enjoy time alone, in fact most nights I am quite happy by myself with my studies or a tv show or a book. That seemed impossible, once. I rent alone and manage financially. That's a lot. I very rarely say "I can't" any more. Because usually, I can, especially with my al-anon toolkit. I've done some scary, 'out of my comfort zone" things in these past few weeks and I can do those things now, as long as I remember to invite my HP to come with me. I'm really, really enjoying my studies and now that I have arrived at the point where I have to choose my specialties, I'm loving what I am doing and excited about the future. I am SO glad I picked my degree back up and didn't throw in the towel.

Daughter is good; doing fine at school, plenty of friends, her counsellor told me last week she doesn't see much value in daughter continuing to see her as she's really pretty happy and they've "run out of things to talk about'. She's generally a pretty happy kid; I'm grateful for that most especially. One thing that becomes clearer and clearer about that girl of mine is that she has a tremendous capacity to see errors in her thinking and adjust accordingly. But she has her ego in tact; it's quite a good balance. I learn by watching her sometimes; it's impressive. Oh that I was that introspective and simultaneously confident at her age. I suspect this is what they mean by an old soul. She's having a small Halloween get together at our house this weekend; I'm grateful that we have a home for her to do that in. This time last year I was wracked with guilt that we didn't have a home and she couldn't do her Halloween thing. Her stepmother has made her a fantastic costume. Very clever with a sewing machine, that woman. 

Abf seems really well; he's working a few days a week, on the other days he's teaching himself to invest rather than gamble and spending endless hours watching charts and tutorials and designing some kind of computer program. Back when he was devoted to playing computer games 24/7  I used to say it would be something if he could put that kind of dedication into doing something that would actually bring him some happiness and it's funny to see him doing just that; he's actually using his skills to make money. (He likes money). Something about defects being misused assets...it's nice to see anyway. He's paid me back all that he owed me now which I did not expect to ever be able to say. He's taking care of himself from what I can see; he says positive and sometimes downright inspiring things. It's very different, attractive even. I have not seen this side of him before, ever. And I don't know what has changed but it's his journey so I guess I don't really need to know.

Apparently he pulls his weight at his brother's house and when he visits me, he does really bizarre things like takes out rubbish, washes dishes and sometimes I even catch him sweeping the floor. Last month he mowed my lawn. That was quite a treat. He brings food, has money, and doesn't lose his crap over nothing. It's quite hard to take in, really. It seems to get progressively better and better which is a very long way from my expectation...which goes to show just how useful expectations are, really.

Yet it's difficult, sometimes painful because he's great when he's here, 99% of the time anyway and I miss him horribly when he goes home again. He doesn't drink regularly any more but still drinks occasionally and when he does he seems to quickly become very drunk on a very small amount and turns into an instant dribbling idiot. And  I have zero tolerance for that and hate his face the moment I hear drunk in his voice. He talks about "when he completely stops drinking" now which is interesting as I could never have imagined him even considering it and now he seems to be toying with the idea. But who knows, I have no expectations, it's just really, truly nice to see him treating himself with some care and respect. It's vastly, vastly different from what I had projected.

So the reason he is on my mind is, I dropped him at the train station this morning after a visit and yesterday afternoon, when we were walking the dog together the topic of living apart came up, and he told me he hates it but he knows it is "necessary for both of us" and that he hopes maybe in a couple of years we could consider getting a place at the beach together again because "hopefully we'll have both sorted ourselves out by then" and that struck me as sensible and clear headed, and so very different from before when it was always "move in with me right now or I'll move interstate and you'll never see me again" and everything was black or white, now or never and absolutely urgent and terrifying.

Anyway who knows what will be, but right now we all seem to be moving forward in good ways and I'm glad that we've done things the way that we have and remained together without cohabiting. All of us are well and seemingly progressing and as I said, there's a lot to be grateful for. The world is full of possibilities and mostly I'm grateful for the fact that I now know how to enjoy that in the here and now; tomorrow will take care of itself.

Hugs to all and thanks for listening

(((Everyone)))