The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well that's how I feel my life is--just a bunch of lemons. I am very sad, but I think I'm also becoming numb, which scares me yet also comforts me (does that make ANY sense?).
My a has stopped going to meetings again, but this time I'm seeing a bigger change. This time he doesn't even seem to be feeling any guilt (used for a lack of anything better). He was also going to church with me and has pretty much stopped that as well. I haven't asked him about either thing--just ask if he is going to go to church with me and if he says no I accept it (not overly thrilled, but have done a good job of keeping my mouth closed!) He told me he was going to stop going to church becuase that was just confusing him more--he was going to go to the AA meetings instead, but of course that isn't panning out. OH well!
I haven't asked him, I know he has lied to me, but I also know he has been using again. How much I don't know--everyday? if not, pretty close. I posted somewhere else that I have been reading the "Getting Them Sober" books. I have found a couple of things that are really working for--Nothing I do can hurt him as bad as he is hurting himself--He is dying!!! and then He loves me, but he has a disease and he is incapable of thinking of anyone but himself as long as he continues to use--He will lie to me because he is unable to do otherwise. I just repeat these things to myself over and over and for some reason they are keeping me rather calm.
I had another miscarriage last week--this makes number 7 in 4 years. I saw the doctor yestereday. He told me I might be sensitized--I'm RH negative (this has to do with blood stuff) and so if I am sensitized to this I will never be able to have another baby. Now thinking rationally I shouldn't even want a baby with my a (I have two kids from a previous marriage). I mean really he can't be a good dad always screwed up, so I would just be bringing more stuff on myself. Also I run the risk of having a child who is chemical dependent--who would end up with his disease--why would a rational person want to put someone through that. My desire to have a baby is completely selfish. I love babies and I think I am a great baby mom!!!! I know I am a great baby mom. But to bring someone else into this world is probably cruel of me. But I can't seem to squelch my true want and desire for a baby. So I want my HP to take that completely out of my hands, because I am not thinking rationally about it, I am just thinking with my heart. I should find out the answer about this today.
I am so sad today. I just think this is so how it should not have been. I love him so much and I just a so sorry he thinks his life is so unmanageable that that junk is all he has.
I am trying to find a way to make it day today without being eaten alive. I want to get to a place where I am happy with life again. I want to make lemonade from my lemons.
Dawn, your post has touched my heart in its deepest place. You sound so wise; like someone I would like to know. I have felt as you do now. We ride this roller coaster of emotion until we have to put a stop to it once and for all.
I hope that you will awaken soon and find that lemonade. You certainly deserve it.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am very sorry you are in such an emotional cyclone right now. My God created a state of shock for animals who are severly injured. It allows them to calm down and not hurt themselves more.
It's possible your HP has blessed you with this calmness to allow you to get your bearings.
I wish for you a peaceful day, you deserve it. I have read your posts on here and your are a very special, thoughtful person.
( If I find the plans for the Lemonaide stand, I will shoot you the link ...<smile>)
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am very sorry about the miscarriage. I can relate.
You have some great self-awareness going on there. It sounds like you are grieving for your baby and the marriage concept of happiness that you had in your mind.
In my apartment is a lemon tree. This fall I had plenty of lemons, and this spring will bring more.
In a small saucepan, combine sugar and 1 cup water. Bring to boil and stir to dissolve sugar. Allow to cool to room temperature, then cover and refrigerate until chilled.
Remove seeds from lemon juice, but leave pulp. In pitcher, stir together chilled syrup, lemon juice and remaining 7 cups water.
The sugar makes the bitterness of the lemon dissipate and become more than palatble, delicious.
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of emotions right now but you are doing the right things for yourself by reaching out here and reading program books/literature. They really do help us see that it's not *us*, but instead the disease that causes our loved ones to behave as they do.
Also, Im sure your hormones aren't helping your feeling of dispair right now. Give yourself a little time and go easy on you.
It's always heartbreaking when it seems our sick loved ones are on the road to recovery and then we watch as they stumble off that road right back onto the old nasty one. The bottom line is if that is what he is doing then he simply isn't done using yet. He has not reached his own personal rock bottom and unfortunately there is absolutley nothing you can do about that. I'm going through the same exact thing with my husband right now. I really thought he was turning himself around recently and getting a grip on his disease, but I was wrong. He's at it harder and stronger than ever.
A lady in one of my other groups recently lost her husband to this disease after he had over 3 years sobriety. He relapsed (drinking and cocaine) and died of an overdose a few months back. They had been married 25 years and she is so lost, but finding the strength day by day to make it through this. That is my biggest fear, that one day God forbid I am going to lose my husband and my kids are going to lose their dad to this hideous sickness. So many of his friends back home have died from it and whenever we discuss it he tells me he's scaired the same thing will happen to him. Sadly, he's just not scaired enough.
The best thing (and only thing) we can do is take care of ourselves and work our own program of recovery. This benefits our children as well as us, and also can shed a tiny ray of light into the dark world our addicted loved ones are in.
Hang in there, every day can get better.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
7 miscarriages in 4 years? You poor dear. I would be a basket case. Your body and your soul need to heal from this; please take care of yourself. It would be great if your A could take care of you, but we all know that that can't be counted on.
So sorry for your loss(es). I don't think we are meant to understand what it is that God wants form us sometimes other than to get beyond suffering... just things like this arise & it is so very difficult!
Take care of YOU!
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Dawn: Sounds like you have a tremendous amount on your plate. I can feel guilty about everything and feel I am worthy of nothing. I am working very very hard on the self worth issues because it creates a spiral for me and sooner rather than later I am completely paralysed. I have to say this room has helped me tremendously. The people here really make me feel loved, included, needed, important and worth it. I am so very glad I came here. I have not felt that in my entire life.
I take it one day at a time not a lifetime at a time but I do work on my issues every day. One of them is to protect myself and care for myself. Some stuff like my child sexual absuse, my own history of long chronic illness is significant for me. I do not have to do it all today. I do not know where my A will go with his life. I know I have given up trying to control him and manipulate him and foist my opinions on him. Oddly enough he seems calmer these days mainly because I do not engage with him that much when he is out there (and that is indeed a tremendous discipline I never had before). I do not know whether I want to be with him long term but right now I work on my daily plans of self care and try to build on that daily. Right now I am in a very rudimentary phase to move out of emotional survival and I know that will be hard for me. Sometimes it is one step forward, two steps back. Other days it is plain sailing.
I am also Rh negative and I have never had children and at 45 it is rather doubtful I will have them naturally since I am also now very perimenupausal. Also I have been on medication for hypertension since 1990 (when I also found out I am Rh negative), something I unfortunately inherited through my mother.
I would say when life gives you lemons make gin and tonics, but I guess that is not too appropriate for an Alanon board...lol. (I saw this on a bumper sticker on the way to the bank the other day and thought it a rather strange saying to put on a car of all things). But the strangest saying I have seen in public lately has to by far have been the guy standing in line at Subway with "Some guys ride bulls, I ride cowgirls" on the back on his T-shirt. How disgusting is that? .....I made sure he knew I found it disgusting too.
