The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I filed for divorce from my AH. This was after many incidents of public intoxication, arrest, OWI, and many more, including losing his job. However, I am still so afraid. I have moved out of the house with the children (which I have sole custody of for now). I am so afraid he will take the children from me. Now I am afraid that he will some how ruin my rental agreement. His name is not on it, but he has destroyed everything else.
Can any other divorced parents help me? What do I expect? I am so very afraid my children and I will be homeless.
runningwife - I don't have experience in this so can't help you there. But, I did want to share that I'll add you to my prayers. Meetings, sponsor and program work might help you stay focused on the present and not worry about what may/may not happen. Setting up some boundaries might also help you with some of your fears.
We're all here for you - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi running wife. In another lifetime it seems, though really actually just a dozen years ago, I left an abusive partner with two young children. My hindsight sees a scared woman, yet at all times, our basic needs were always and sometimes miraculously met. The fact that your children's father has obvious issues should be in your favour. A support network and beleif in yourself and lifes journey....these are great and powerful gifts. Staying in the now as much as you can, and doing your very best with what you have. If you're entitled to any state assistance, get any and all of it. I know its not easy, one step at a time. Adding you to my prayers.
Running wife, I have to add this, because it really speaks to me. On Fear. Don't dwell on it. It robs one of life. It makes one anxious, tired, tightly strung. Have some fun with the kids. Do something ridiculously frivolous, I dont know, have a pirate party? I say this because when I look back, the stress of fear bought out my perfectionist side. I was not always the mother I really am, because I was always living with a heart in the future. Children feel us. Fear is a stealthy and skilled burglar. Don't let fear rob you of today. You have your babies and a roof and freedom,make each day count with at least one moment of kindness, of fun, of love, of self care. I applaud your bravery in making a new choice, a new start and new role modelling. Those are things that speak of a parents love. Massive hugs your way.
RW, I too have been through what you are going through and it all worked out. Stay strong, work the Al-anon program and go to meetings for support. Try not to focus on the past and future and just focus on you and the children for just today! You have enough proof that AH is not a good partner and the courts will see that. Hang tough!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I think this is great advice. The hardest thing is letting go ad trusting the process. You are going to be OK. Just take one day at a time. Life does have a way of working out. I commend you. You are doing the right thing. I so wish I would have divorced my husband when my kids were small. God bless you and know you are making the best decision for you and your children.
Welcome to MIP twowisguysmom! So glad you have found us and joined us!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I still struggle with my own doubts from time to time .. whatever the kids and I face .. I'm not facing it with an active alcoholic. The kids and I are all far happier than not. No it hasn't been easy and the divorce process was horribly long. With your STBX not working it will be harder in terms of financial support. Find out what you qualify for so you have that in order. You would be surprised what resources are available if you just seek them out. It's a temporary deal it's not forever so don't feel badly about asking or looking. Swallowing some pride never choked anyone.
I would really encourage you to just take a big breath and the next step forward. If nothing changes then nothing changes and the fear of what might be .. 99% of the things I worry about never actually happen .. so I would just say again .. this has been far more than I ever expected and yes it's been very challenging that's ok too.
Hugs S :)
PS - I also wanted to add don't expect your STBAX to have much to do with the kids as time goes on. Out of sheer health for the kids I did two things .. I got sole custody so I was not waiting on him for me to make decisions they need to have done now. The other thing is we moved out of state .. so if you aren't living close to family and/or friends for family support if it is available I highly recommend it. Family support for me is not an option however friends have been life savers over the long run. We lived in the same town 3 miles down the road and I can tell you in about 4 years if you took 24 hour increments we are talking not even 4 weeks that he's had the kids over total time. They went from spending the night every other weekend to literally 2 hour visits maybe once a month. Again the kids friends, my friends were the ones where I got the breaks. Big hugs .. plan B always. Oh .. I did not set the kids up for unrealistic expectation with their dad .. they could tell sometimes based upon my behavior .. if they hadn't heard from their dad by Friday there was no visitation that weekend .. I had them plan things so that when that happened they could say to him .. I'm really sorry we are already busy. My kids are old enough to decide to see him or not. Even when they go back during the summer they are more interested in seeing their friends than their dad.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Thursday 5th of November 2015 05:06:19 PM
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
