The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So this weekend was a little messed up. I decided on Friday that I needed to argue back with my AH. I know I wasn't getting anywhere but just couldn't stop. I don't understand what happened but I guess that just proved that I was still human. I finally got up with my youngest child and left when I got back he was passed out. He keeps bringing up an emotional affair I had over a year and half ago. The worst part about it is that it is in front of our children. I told him Friday that at least I ended mine and know that it was wrong and that God has forgiven me but he continues to cheat on me with his bottle. No comment back with that one.
Sat night he was wasted again but instead of arguing I was just as nice as I could be. He went over to help our oldest move and my daughter went to pick him up. When they got back he was even more wasted. One of my boundaries is no intimacy when he is drinking, well that failed, I was so tired from the night before with arguing that I gave in. Just didn't want to argue anymore. It was awful!!!! And now I feel awful because I did 2 things that I have been very good at not doing.
Sunday was a good day. No drinking and of course it's like nothing happened during the other 2 days. I took my youngest boys to the movie while Ah watched football. Overall a very nice Sunday. We got to sleep in because we went to church on Sat night which started off the day pretty nice. I never get to sleep in. I just don't understand how a person goes from being a complete a$% to acting like nothing at all happened. I do get it's a disease but how am I suppose to act like nothing has happened. I try but there are a few things that were said on Fri that I definitely need to talk to him about. He also told me that he's sick of me saying he's an alcoholic, he's not, he just cant control it once he starts...so why would you start? I just don't get what goes through their brains.
My guess is that his reasoning (such as it is) goes like this: "I can't be an alcoholic because then that would mean I should stop drinking, but I can't accept that, therefore I am not an alcoholic."
Many people are not so good at seeing things from other people's point of view. Add in alcoholism and scrambled thinking, and he turns a blind eye to what it must be like to go through a weekend with someone drunk and passing out. And as long as he pretends it didn't happen, then it didn't happen, right?
In my experience they will go to pretty much any lengths to insist on that version of reality: nothing was out of the ordinary, drinking had no effect on anything, drinking is not a problem. Not a problem, not a problem, not a problem (repeat 100 times despite all evidence to the contrary).
I hope you can take good care of yourself. Do you have a meeting?
yes I will be going I think tomorrow night. I was going on Sunday nights but I'm in between looking for a new one. I'm going to check one out tomorrow. Thank you Mattie and yes, I am sure that is his reasoning.
And Mattie about the drinking not being the problem, that is so true. He blames either my screw up over a year ago up or that I have never truly loved him in the past 8 years. Somehow it never is the drinking, its me...I just laugh most of the time.
Hi confused. I too had an emotional affair and my AH knows about it. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Bringing that up (or throwing it in my face) is something my AH likes to do when he's drunk. I set a boundary about it. We don't have serious conversations when he has been drinking (it used to be when he is drunk but our definition of drunk is different). And brining up my emotional affair is a serious conversation. And if he tries to bring it up I walk away. I refuse to engage in a conversation about it and tell him we will discuss it the next day if he wants to. It works well for me. And I have addressed the things I don't like when he is drinking later when he is sober but I try to figure out what is important and what I need to let go. Or else I would have a laundry list of items to discuss after every drinking episode lol. I too feel like my AH abandoned me first and sometimes feel resentful that he throws my emotional affair in my face when he has been drinking the whole time and contributed to so many problems himself. But I have found that kind of thinking doesn't help me. It just makes me more angry, hurt and resentful and I get stuck in that. And that is not good for me. So I try to deal with them as two separate issues. For me I take responsibility for my affair. Sounds simple but it's really hard because so much of me wants to tell him how he drove me to it. How he left me years ago and his alcohol took priority over me. But instead I try to focus on the fact that I did what I did. And I am not proud of what I did. I wish I had never done it. And I made that choice all on my own. I am in the process of an apology to him for what I did (meaning I intend to give him one that doesn't include an explanation of why). It's been really hard to come to that decision but for me I believe it will help. After I apologize that is all I can reasonably do about it. The past is in the past and I cannot change it. He will accept it or he won't but it is out of my hands at that point. That is all just my experience. I wish you luck with your situation as well.
The disease is so baffling, isn't it? I've wondered often what goes on in my AH's mind. I don't know
all I know is he can fool himself time and time again
"this time will be different." "Just a little bit, I can control it." "I'll just do it today, not tomorrow." Hahaha. He has told me his thoughts but he can't explain it. Once he's sober a while and his mind clears, he can see how insane it is, but when he's in it, he fools himself. Ahhh! The disease is so crazy! You are not alone! Love in alanon.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Very difficult times for me are a like sign posts - they send me in
the direction of more face to face meetings and working/reworking
the steps. The last thing I want in my household is drama/chaos.
Hope you are seeking that support that you need at meetings and
being gentle with yourself.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
My experience as far as boundaries and the drinking has changed from 'drunk' to 'under the influence'. I don't care if they've had one or twenty-one, having a discussion with an active alcoholic is a pointless exercise in my home. Nothing good comes of it, and they either feel they 'won' or they don't remember. In either case, even if I've been heard, rarely does it stick - I choose to blame the disease vs. the person.
As far as how can he be drunk for 2 days then act as if nothing happened on day 3 - my personal experience....I drank until I blacked out. I never knew what I did, said, didn't do, etc. when I was active. Even when I wasn't in a black out state, my memory is/was fuzzy. I still have family members that will say, Do you remember when.....? My standard answer is often No....I don't remember.
So - when folks told me what I did, I didn't know to believe them or not. I honestly didn't care too much either as I (like your AH) felt that IF I were truly an alcoholic, I wouldn't be able to not drink for a day/two/half. The disease takes reasonably intelligent, kind, loving people and turns them into self-service, self-seeking apathetic shells of who they were. But, I can tell you that when I was spiraling down, I didn't know it, didn't see it and didn't believe it. Nobody could have told me anything for I was hell-bent on doing what I wanted, when I wanted and felt entitled to do so.
We have to hit our bottom - whether you are a person addicted to alcohol or a person addicted to an alcoholic. We have to surrender and admit we are powerless. We have to want change, we have to feel the bottom, and not a living soul can keep us from that. It is only when the pain is great enough that we seek to change. I don't know why, but that's the reality for this disease and how it affects addictive people.
In Al-Anon, I did not feel different until I came to truly believe I was powerless. I did not begin to feel better until I started to work the program. I did not being to feel peace with my life until I started working the steps. If you embrace Al-Anon with an open mind and an open heart, you will find peace and serenity in stages no matter what others are doing or are not doing.
My qualifiers still 'punish' me when I enforce a boundary. My oldest son has a new baby and I was of service while they were approaching the due date, during the hospital stay and when they were coming home. I called 8 days ago to see how I could be of service, and my son bit my head off. I promptly ended the call as I choose to no longer be the target for life's frustrations. I've taken it for so long, let them take all their frustrations with life and living on me, but won't any longer.
So - for the last 8 days, I've been punished and not seen either grand-child. In a normal family/relationship, most likely the sleep deprived person would call, apologize and all would be well - maybe the same day/next day. Not so in my alcoholic family - he's too proud to apologize or he doesn't think he needs to or ..... - I don't know. But, because I will no longer allow my children to cuss at me and/or yell at me, I am 'dismissed' from my service duties.....and - his co-dependent baby mamma says that talking to me when he's not talking to me is betraying their love.
*sigh* - so - we all got something. Life is not perfect, far from it actually. But I have changed and am willing to stand in my truth vs. standing in the craziness and drama. Am I perfect? Nope. Am I sad? Yep. Do I want more normal? You betcha. Can I control it? Nope - only can work on and change me.
Keep coming back - we are all works in progress and work through our lives one day at a time, one step at a time. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
MY AH is actting all nice now also. he does that while booze is concealed everywhere. " here is your favorite treat, i will do the dishes what can i do for you,how are you?'
DONT listen!! its like Medusa charming his way back into your good graces. I remind myself this at the same time
a
This a very very good post and from my experience should be read slowly and often.
Like Iamhere, I am also recovering from active alcoholism and got into AA after 9 years of being alcohol free in Al-Anon. Yes? Yes...Akua my Higher Power allowed me and mentored me for those 9 years until I finally did my own Alcoholism assessment. Was I surprised...no I was informed by the honesty of it and then did the next right thing. With the help of the Al-Anon fellowship and AA. There wasn't much embarrassment except on my part and then I swallowed my pride and got honest. I have dual membership and grow in both programs one supporting the other daily.
What helped me a lot were the Al-Anon principles; all 5 million of them which I was struggling hard on a daily basis to practice as a enabling participant in this disease. Some of the best principles were non-negotiable rules. I could not and would not negotiate them. "Don't React"...Don't ever without excuse react to a confrontation with anyone about the disease...Shut up, Agree, Acknowledge, walk away after saying thank you. I am not a Guru on anything. "Kill your ego and pride so that they don't establish a chance to do the same to you". Never ever say never when it comes to when the opportunities of denial encourage you to be better than or grander than the disease or the programs. Walk with the cloak of your Higher Power always held tightly in your hand and repeat asking "What next to your Higher Power when you accomplish a task. Always keep and open mind as the program suggests and practice humility (being teachable) every second of your recovery. The steps are not Left, right, left they are numberical 1 thru twelve and in any order as necessary to move forward in recovery. Spiritual recovery does not only mean living in the way you think God wants you to and also from the core of you...from your gut to your heart to your mind...in other words your soul. not allow a new comer to help you grow...everyone is an instrument of God apply the instruments. Non-negotiable...Do not drink even when you think drink or dream drink or talk with the drink or believe you are stronger than or more powerful than the drink. Remember every time you hear alcohol speak you are consciously insane...it only speaks when you encourage and allow it to...It will not speak without you. When someone offers you a drink repeat, "No...thank you....I've had enough and/or I am allergic. Keep it simple you are not there to save the world; you have proved over a long period of time that you are powerless period, over alcoholism, alcoholics, and many many other things. Smile and say "No Thank You".
There is so much more to what I have been taught by loving alcoholics, addicts and enablers. As I have been taught "don't get into a discussion about the subject...you are not that smart and they can prove it".
If you keep and open mind...you will find help. (((((hugs)))))
