ok, so my life continues to resemble living with the alcoholic boyfriend at times even though we have been done for more than 5 years and I've moved on to a much nicer life, so it's gotta be me at least in part.

the only alcoholic player that I know of in the current situation is my brother he also takes a lot of Zanex at times, which I understand doesn't mix well with alcohol it's for a anxiety and anger outburst, anyway brother who within a few days of my Dad's death has power of attorney over my Mom's affairs at her wish, was expecting huge "payday" at my Dad's death, well there is little to be had if anything and he is scraping and scratching and very angry. He threatened to kill me- he wasn't kidding- he was having an "anger outburst".

My sister seems to have alternated back and forth from liking me to not... she gets mad a lot anyway-her go to emotion.  I've always said it's a wonder she is not an axe murderer..my mother has abused her from every angle for her whole life thing is sister gets really mad if you mention it- being socially acceptable is a big thing for most of my family so admitting she and I were abused does not go over well. Dad never would have admitted it was abuse he spent his whole life covering for Mom in every way. He never disagreed with her because to do so is worse than just letting her go with whatever she is saying. We ( my sister and I ) talked about being angry with him for not protecting us, then I realized if he had left her, which would have been his only recourse it would have been so much worse for all of us. He stayed and I'm pretty sure it wasn't nice for him most of the time, BUT I'm also sure he loved her or was addicted to her in some way too. ( jeez is typing all this revealing)? My Dad was addicted to and stuck in a bad relationship that held him back,,, most of mine have been too until now... WOW...

I was close to my dad like working together, travel lots of things we talked almost every day, sometimes more than once a day. I told brother and sister last year Dad didn't need to drive and we should all do something... we all put it on the back burner.. well I talked to dad a few times about giving up the keys... but he always said if he left this world in a car wreck at least he left the way he wanted, working, driving to his beloved ball games etc.

He was killed in a car wreck June 23, this year. The other driver was fine! thank goodness.

Now brother, sister, mother and at times the "kids" adult nieces-- have said I was taken care of financially by Dad (he helped when I was down and I helped when I had more, like when he had cancer in the 90's. The family said I somehow owe $45, 000 to his "estate"  in order to be "back in the family" CRAZY- don't really want "back in the family" do want the uncomfortable feelings to go away. I know that's up to me but the question is how to not react emotionally when it's been to me so recent... my brain has NO PROBLEM realizing they are the issue not me, it's my heart that is not doing so well.

ok so my go to emotion at first was to be compliant, to try to talk it through  NO I do not owe "the estate" any money. My Dad and I were in business together part time,  this was something I did FOR him because he felt he couldn't retire, it took away from success in my real job and was admittedly a very codependent thing. It made my Dad very happy even when it didn't make money. The business is not where they were saying the 45K was owed, it seems it was a number pulled out of the air.  It's about the amount of equity I have in my home and brother knows this.  I have a job that makes a lot more money than our part time deal ever could. My home is in Dad's name (I paid the bills) it's a leftover refinance from when I wasn't doing so well. My car had been in his name at one time but that was all cleaned up, I had actually forgotten it ever was in his name.(you know how things can get when you live with an alcoholic and your the kind of person who lets emotion over a relationship RULE you? ) well I was/ am proud to have learned from that, grown and cleaned up most of my messes... anyway ... I said to my brother,  if you can show me what you think I owe the "family" we can talk... I was crazy with grief and just wanted the pain to stop. I am actually very proud of where we were financially when Dad passed, we had just taken a small trip that I paid for together( the second of such trips- a basketball tournament out of state for a week)  and I was 2 months ahead on my house payment... so if there was anything I owed I knew I was not aware of it. Turned out there were some back late fees and I paid them with the next payment (Dad deeded the house to me so thankfully no worries there, and this really made brother mad-the fact that he couldn't take my house.

The point of all this is that I've missed my nieces wedding (sister's daughter)  wasn't invited and actually could not have made myself go under the circumstances anyway so I don't feel I was deleted from the guest list out of meanness but just because this is all so horrible. BUT now it's time for my Daughter's baby shower... my amazing beautiful daughter.... and my new grandbaby and these people will be there of course I AM invited.

I do not want to cry, fight, or do anything ... I have no idea what could be said (my mother pushes buttons in a situation like this until I crack one way or the other.. it's ok with her if I act mean back or if I cry or anything as long  I react as long as she can say "look at her being like she's always been" .

My mother is truly the cruelest person I have ever known ( it is probably some form of a personality disorder, but that doesn't make it one bit easier to take especially when she sucks everyone else in) or at least it seems like she does. The memories of her emotional abuse and physical abuse when she could get away with it are flooding back since my Dad's death. I've been trying to think of one good thing about her, one time when she was truly kind with no motive, not just showing off or pretending and I can not think of one. I'm 50 so that is 50 years of not one good word, deed or expression. The bad memories however well they are pretty clear.

I do not expect my daughters to reject my Mother or even my brother although I have this sinking feeling in my stomach when I think they might believe some of his lies or Mom's. I actually encouraged my girls to love this mother of mine (although I did move away from Mom and limit their time with her once she started spanking my oldest really hard) I never broke ties with my parents... Dad and Mom were seen as one unit and I never really realized all this completely until his death.  

So my question my request for ESH my desire is for you to fix this (yep I know not your role) My question is what do I do, how do I put on armor strong enough to make it to family events.

I want to go to the shower, I  probably want to go to holiday gatherings these people will be at I do not want all the pain for whatever may happen ... it's not that I'm staying away to be bitter or "show them" I simply will probably cry or something and then it starts all over...

-- Edited by glad on Friday 16th of October 2015 05:38:48 PM