The material presented
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Hey everyone! Today is my 6th wedding anniversary to my AH. It is very interesting to me that he can remember all the fellowship friends sobriety dates, he can remember to suit up, show up and take care of business when it comes to helping others, yet he cannot seem to remember this or anything like my bday etc. So I held no expectation this year what-so-ever of him and usually I would have been crazy mad nutty because once again he has done nothing. This time around I knew he would not think of it and I didn't bother to bring it up to him either. I chose not to bring it up because you can only beat a dead horse so much and we have had these discussions repeatedly over him not stepping up in his family life. I hear the same thing well I am early in sobriety. I don't care sometimes about that and sometimes if I had a two by four I would probably slap in the head. Sometimes it would be nice to take your marriage just as seriously as yourself, but I know it will never happen.
I am mad about it, I am hurt about it, I am disappointed about it, but I am learning from this. Last year on our big 5 year he was in the 3/4 house and I told him you don't show up again for an anniversary, don't show up at home like everything is nice, nice. He had to get permission to spend 2 hours with me on that day. I learned from that as well, I learned that I can't expect him or need him for anything ever at all. I did think that by working his program, sober 18 months, that he would have done things a bit differently this year because he is always on the kick of I am doing everything I can to make amends. Whatever, I find that a worn out excuse. I I decided last night that celebrating or acknowledging your wedding day is of no importance to him, so why should it be to me. I mean if you don't feel that it's something to celebrate then it's not important and I can't force that on to him. It is too me though and I don't think doing something great for myself is what I need to hear in order to feel better, what I do think is to place this in my learning column, process it, feel it, and ask myself is this what I want going forward in my life.
I understand all about his recovery, I get that....sometimes it would be really great for him to acknowledge mine,, that won't happen and really who cares right. It seems that staying on my side of the street pretty much means, take care of my own everything and don't have any us in a marriage and I am really thinking if I want this the rest of my days. I can imagine had I forgotten his sober day which he happily announced this week or I had not acknowledged his success with lavish praise etc. he would have been pouty and a baby.
I haven't decided yet if I will approach this conversation or not. I think I should, but then I don't think I should have to. On one hand I know there will be a dozen excuses, on the other hand if I don't say anything will I just be mad and hurt then stuff that into resentment. I don't know, I am debating myself in my head on it right now.
Hugs to you all.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
it sounds like you are having the exact same discussion in your head that I always used to have in my head when my wife was active. Should I tell her now? No, she's drunk. Should I tell her later? No, she will just deny, we get into a fight, etc. Sorry that you are still having those debates 18 months out.
Hi Kenny! I am always so thankful when you reply. I know having those debates still after all the counseling can make me crazy at times. My best bet for now is to shelf it, let it go, don't forget it and learn from this. Sometimes I think messages are sent from our HP that we don't realize in the minute what the true message is. This will pass and so will the anniversary date and life will go on. Is this a big issue or not. I don't know yet.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I am another 'wife' that is never recognized - birthday, anniversary and/or Mother's Day. I had to just let it go and make other plans. This has been on-going for 22 years and it took me a long while to realize I should not sit and wait for another person to make a plan for me - no matter what the day is.....
After coming to the program, I did sit my AH down one time only and spoke my truth. I did it without blame, without anger - just said what I mean, meant what I said and did not say it mean. I don't require a night out, a bundle of flowers, a gift or none of that - all I truly want is a card/cooked meal/recognition of the day and a break.
As my kids have moved out, my AH has gotten better about getting cards. I am sorry about your pain and understand it. In my world, I had to let this go as with all the other chaos and drama and craziness we've had, not being recognized really was small to me. I do consider it a gift to have a meal without an argument. I do consider it a gift to not have alcohol and/or other mind-altering substances around me. I consider it a gift that I am no longer chasing the 3 qualifiers around for bail, jail, court, etc.
While those of us who live with alcoholism accept way different than normal, I have become OK with many things as it's improvement and that's all I ever wanted - a fighting chance for the best life ever with those around me that I love. Perhaps in my lifetime, I will truly be valued by them in a manner that aligns more with society - perhaps not. Either way, I've accepted exactly what I have and who they are as well as who I am. And, for my program and life, progress is working well for me right now.
When I feel as you do, my sponsor used to tell me to make gratitude lists. It would irritate me even more but once I put pencil to paper, it did affect a change in my mood and outlook and expectations.
Happy Anniversary from me to you! I know it doesn't mean the same coming from me, but I wish you the best day any ways! And (((Hugs))) that you will get through this using your program and program tools.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much I am! I too have been making gratitude lists today and am moving on. I don't expect gifts, flowers whatever, and talk all about making up for everything blah, blah, irritates me, so I have to work on my irritation issue. I just recently thought about this for myself I need to quit trying to change me and everything about me to be perfect and to deal with him. Just be me. So with that new thought I am just being happy with where I am right now, all that I have to be grateful for and to be happy for my slow but every ongoing growth.
(((Hugs)))
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Isn't it great we have a program where we can share how were feeling on subjects like this. It's OK to be sad, mad or wherever you are right now. Be gentle with yourself. Love in alanon.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Wow i shouldve read this last night when i was posting about my wedding annin. 17 yrs. . We fought all week about another woman, begrudgingly spent saturday together and then he went to a bar. Came home at 7 this morning. Hiw special. I try so hard to not have expectations. . My ah is still very active i live for plan b. . Plan a is typically an epic fail. Our marriage isnt worth celebrating. I stay and try hard to make and be the best i can we have an 11. . I FEEL you resentment. . And you know of mine. Guess thats something.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
You feel hurt and are honoring those feelings by sharing here. I like that little saying in alanon Feel, Deal, Heal. How I work the word "Deal" can be different from situation to situation. How Important Is It is another good one for checking my emotional temperature.
My personal experience and something that I really need to be mindful of is that I can talk myself out of some of my feelings - basically, push them under the rug because their uncomfortable and require uncomfortable action in order to honestly remain true to myself. You know if I hear enough stories from people who are experiencing the same thing, I can rationalize it away. But I have to remember that just because misery can find company, it doesn't mean I necessarily want to jump on that ship of acceptance of what feels unacceptable. At this point, gratitude lists can become smoke and mirrors to mask reality. What I'm grateful for is just what I'm grateful for. It doesn't make a real problem disappear if one exists.
"I decided last night that celebrating or acknowledging your wedding day is of no importance to him, so why should it be to me. I mean if you don't feel that it's something to celebrate then it's not important and I can't force that on to him. It is too me though and I don't think doing something great for myself is what I need to hear in order to feel better, what I do think is to place this in my learning column, process it, feel it, and ask myself is this what I want going forward in my life."
How Important Is it? If it's important to you, Linda then it's important.
I want to validate what you've shared. If he can remember his own sobriety date, he's capable of remembering. People can forget important dates sometimes. We're all human. There's forgetting and then there's intentional dismissal. Intentional dismissal is that elephant in the middle of the room that gets danced around an fed resentment. The elephant grows and then becomes my master. To Thine Own Self Be True.
You have support, unconditional love and understanding of your feelings concerning anniversaries and their meaning and importance in our lives. Only you have the whole picture of your marriage as it is today. Your hp can help you to find words and actions that honor you and your husband concerning acknowledging your wedding anniversary. Our hp is always there for us especially in times when others don't show up for us. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
