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Good Morning, I'm hoping to get feedback on a situation from last night.
I recently started attending AA meetings (have been to 3 so far) with the hopes of finding a group where I feel comfortable and connect. Last night's meeting was from 8pm - 9pm and went well. I left at around 9:15 and on my way home, received this text from my wife who was at work, "How'd it go?" - I replied, "It went well, good group of people" and didn't get a response after that which was not typical of her. I texted and asked how her night was going, no response. I then asked, are you busy? "No" is the reply I got back. I get home, get the kids situated and call her at work. She is standoffish and not talking like she normally does so I ask her if something is wrong. She said she wanted to know how the meeting went so again I said, "It went well". I didn't think there was more to say than that but apparently she did. She said she wanted feedback on it and I was a little surprised and a little annoyed by her comment because to me, these meetings are about me and my sobriety. I told her that I wasn't sure what information she was looking for other than what I told her. She said that my problem with alcohol is her issue as well and she wanted to know more about the meetings. I told her that attending AA meetings are about me and my sobriety to which she took offense and accused me of shutting her out and being secretive. Did I do something wrong? I'm so confused as to why she is so angry with me. Thanks for your time.
You did nothing wrong my dear friend. Your going to the meeting is for yourself but I hear her fear being expressed in her response. I would offer to bring her some of the"free" beginners literature so she can explore the program at her leisure.
Keep on taking care of yourself.
Thank you hotrod. She does not want to read the literature (I offered). She says that I am being self centered and shutting her out. I'm trying desperately not to engage but am feeling weak...
You have done nothing wrong. Change is often threatening to people and they respond with typical fear responses. You are doing what you need to for your sobriety. She can and may follow suit when and if she is ready at some point. Congratulations on making your recovery a priority.
Thank you Serenity. I just don't know what else to share with her about the meeting other than to say it was good or not good.. I have asked her to attend on her own but she is against that idea.
Hi again m Alanon and AA so understands the disease oF ALCOHOLISM so that it s strongly recommended that we not engage with or defebd n ourselves on any subject while communicating with the disease. IT IS A NO WIN SITUATION . I would offer to take her to an open AA meeting anytime so that she can see for herself. Anytime teh subject comes up I would again extend the invite.
<<<hotrod>>> Thank you again. Do you think it's a bad thing that I want to attend some meetings on my own? I'm not against going with her but I feel like this should be something I do on my own.
I agree completely I would simply tell her that there are "open" meetings available and she is welcome to attend in the future when you are
more comfortable attending.
Remember the" closed" meetings that you are attending are reserved for members who have admitted to their alcoholism so I would never offer to take her to them as maintaining the anonymity of each member is very important .
Good luck
It's not you doing something wrong actually, however this is a family disease and stuff has probably happened that has caused harm to the relationship such as trust. I know I have been there. My AH is 18 months sober now. I had to go out of town on a business meeting. Of course the first night I am gone, he shows up at home 2 hours late. I don't really have full trust with him so I asked where was he and of course he thinks I am intruding. I do ask my AH about his meetings or really as suggested by our marriage counselor to do a weekly check in for both of us. He shares sometimes things he has heard in a meeting in generalities only never using anyone's name or whatever. I have attended meetings when he has asked me to tag along and I do know quite a few of the fellows he went through sober living with. I encourage him to be in touch with them, do things with them etc. I do however ask him to not be sharing all our gory details at meetings and I feel I have the right to ask that as my privacy should also be respected, there were a few issues that came about because he shared in-depth information in a few meetings and it got out and leaked out into my meetings and other areas of my professional life and I was not happy with that at all, now to discuss things going on in general terms is different. I have learned through trial and error he has is program, he does what he does and stay out of his business. That can be very tricky in a marriage and it takes a lot of commitment.
I understand the hurt, pain and confusion of being excluded from the recovery but yet good enough to be there when it's convenient, I understand her pain of being excluded and what appears to be "secretiveness" of the AA meeting, heck we walked through the "secret" and now it feels like everything is still a secret.
I use Al-anon, the literature a whole lot to stay on my side of the street and ignore my husbands recovery life. I rely a lot on all of the great folks here that use Al-anon as well. I can tell you from my E/S/H, a few wives of the men in my husbands rehab were told to go to al-anon so they could learn how to change to make their husband happy, way wrong approach there and they didn't go, some were told it was mandatory they go and that was a back fire. What I did myself was first learn everything I could about AA and I read the big book back and forth. I learned a lot. I then gradually explored meetings of AA, Al-Anon, Coda and I went to a private counselor. It took me a bit of time because I was dragging my feet, full of fear and didn't want to really understand or see my part in the mess. It does take time but it does get better and a whole lot more fun and peaceful too!
Yes, it does seem secretive still today but that has gotten easier because trust is being rebuilt. I am glad you are working on sobriety and will keep you in my prayers!. Keep trudgin
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
I would agree with Betty. Even though your wife seems to be an A, if she isn't ready to admit it, best to take her to an open meeting. I'm sure she is very threatened by any change you are making, or anything she can't see, therefore have some illusion of control over, whether you are going to AA or Al Anon meetings.
This would also be the thing about attending alone. if she isn't ready, there is no reason for her to go. let alone the fact that this is about you and not her. Yes, it does affect her, but it still really is about you.
More than likely, this will happen again. She may be curious, she may feel scared and/or lonely or ???? In recovery or not, we don't have a crystal ball to fix others. Recovery is a personal journey and your answers were fine. When I go to meetings, no matter what is discussed, I tie it back to a solution (in my brain and hopefully in my share). So - if someone is tempted to relapse, we often talk about one day at a time or sponsorship or fellowship or asking for help or .................................
There is no issue with sharing the primary topic if you want. That may give you a bit more to share that may ease her fears. Keep the focus on you and recovery and on the present. I am certain that she's just scared of change as most people are. With As, most things are magnified so her fears may be bigger than life to her.
Hang in there and keep taking care of you. And, I agree - try to not engage in arguments, disagree or argue about taking care of you - you have that right!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
From where I stand you did nothing wrong. Is your wife in al anon? I am assuming no. It sounds like she would get a lot out of going to a face-to-face meeting. I asked my husband about his meetings and pretty much got the same response that you gave. I learned through al anon that I really don't need a full play by play of how the meeting went down and that I had to give my husband space to work his own program while I worked mine. I am sure she is scared and pissed off at the situation and wants answers of how it is going to get fixed. Be kind to both of you and try and understand where she is coming from. I do think your were correct in how you responded.
Keep on keeping on You are on your way.