The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
October is the anniversary of a lot of things in my alcoholic life. It marks the worst my abuse ever was with my father, as well as when it all ended. It marks the start of the relationship that finally took me away from it all. This year I began speaking to my father again. I don't allow alcohol as a part of the equation. I have made that one of my boundaries. This along with other things have made this October so much more detrimental. I found out at the beginning of this month that I may have to have an ovary removed and we are not finished having children. The good is we attended our first ever ball this month, and we are completing the process to finalize paperwork that will allow us to start going home at the beginning of next year. That being said I have been finding myself dwelling greatly on the negatives. I can't seem to make myself move forward. Not for myself, my husband, or our 2 children. Fear has paralyzed me once more. I am fighting just to speak about it. I don't remember how to move forward anymore. I have been reading the literature, speaking to my father in law (sort of a sponsor, temporarily), and giving it to my Higher Power, and yet, I continue to find myself cursing my Higher Power. I keep asking "how could you do this to me? Have I not endured enough?" Where do I go from here? How do I give this to my Higher Power when I feel betrayed?
Hi Rachel Welcome to Miracle in Progress. I am so pleased that you reached out and shared with such clarity and honesty.
Alcoholism ran/ runs in my family as well and since it is such a dreadful progressive disease, it effected my growing up and life from early on.
I found that alanon is a program of progress not perfection and that sometimes I reach a plateau where I must just stand still, live life on life's terms, continue my prayer, meditations, readings and meetings so that I can and then spring forward with new wisdom and courage.
I am sorry to read of your recent medical diagnoses and understand your anger with HP. I have experienced the same
Making gratitude and asset list, continuing to talk to HP explaining my anger and resentment helped to lift the anger and lead me to acceptance of life on life's terms.
Please keep coming back. There is a great deal of hope available.
I too welcome you to MIP - so very glad you are here and applaud your courage to share your current truth.
I also am sorry for your medical diagnosis. I can understand your anger/resentment towards your HP - I've been there and gotten stuck before too. I posted not too long ago about 'month triggers' - I have a few and I have had to do preventative action to keep myself from going down the rabbit hole of depression/frozen in fear. It doesn't solve it but it does make it less and less when I can make me and this program a priority.
My best suggestion is to keep sharing with trusted program friends and/or your (temporary) sponsor. I tend to feel better when I am able to share an issue or a place I am at. I also am big on writing, talking, praying - Write about it (journal or step work, Talk about it (sponsor or trusted friend) and pray about it.
Use any/all program tools you can - like Betty suggests - gratitude lists, asset lists, slogans, literature and/or meetings. This will/shall pass - hopefully soon for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
