SD, welcome to MIP. I think your 'A' friend was very lucky to have you as a

friend, but if you would not like to help him anymore than you have every

right to detach from his situation and move on.  Your are correct, that he

will probably continue to start rehab and fail a number of times, that is not

unusual, but if you wish to not participate any longer in his starts and failures

than that is your right.

Does he not drive?  How would he get to the facility if he had never met you?

I find that friendships go better when I draw a line and don't do anything beyond what I'm happy with.  Then there's no resentment and then that allows for friendship.

Take good care of yourself.

Well, thank you all for your responses. I've been thinking a lot today about it. Knowing myself as I do, I knew, even through posting this morning, and thinking about it today, though I'm irritated, knew that I would make myself available. I will take the half day, I will have him stay here. Yes, he did offer to get a hotel room, however, honestly for me, that's wasted money I'd prefer he didn't bother to spend, and pretty much more of a pain, since I'm going to work half the day, and one needs to check out of a hotel by 10am...which leaves him to his own devices, which are never good when he's where he's at emotionally at this point. While he'll be left to his own devices at my house, my kids (who are adults) are home and he's always been respectful with his drinking here, which is the oddest thing. I'm not stopping at any package stores on the way back from the airport and there's no alcohol in my house. I don't live near much of anything, so he can hang with the dog. And likely, he'll sleep till 11:00 anyway, as has been his routine apparently at his mothers. I'll hope for the best with that.

I'll drive him, because no, he does not have a license and while he may get a cab, it would cost him way more than filling my tank up (both ways) and, as I said, not a fan of wasting money. Hate wasting my time as well, however, he has asked for help, he sought it for himself, and he's in need of a ride. It's not that big of a deal in the realm of all things in life...I guess I'm more irritated that he relapsed and got himself back to this hellhole place in his head and is unable to stop on his own, without the treatment, the after treatment, AA, etc. I've already done the do everything I can for him thing...and realized really quickly, unless he chose to make different choices, I can't live the way he lives. His drama is not mine to carry. I took myself out of the equation.

I'm not a drinker. Oh, don't get me wrong....I have drinks now and then...it's just never been a "thing" in my life, therefore, my understanding of his disease baffled me a lot of the time. I did a lot of research, talked greatly with him about it since I've met him and learned he is an alcoholic, went to his family treatment times when he was in the center before, and I've been here....reading your boards to gain more insight and understanding. No one is perfect. I wish nothing but peace and good things for him. I hope our friendship lasts for as long as we are both alive. Just because he's got a really bad disease doesn't make him a bad guy. He's actually a really nice guy. He's making the right choice. I will support him, and just try not to be so irritated by it I guess. Maybe I was pms'ing this morning :)

Sanddollars. Thank you for sharing that update. I love that you did something that you wanted to do on the trip too. I think your friend is blessed to have you in his life and your actions are true humanity. Blessings to you and your friend.

Thanks.....I'm not sure I did everything perfectly "right" with it, but he's there...and that's what counts, that was the goal. I hope he's still there. It would not surprise me to hear from him in a couple of days and have him tell me he left...and has been at a hotel. He seemed genuine with his need to want to quit, and his desire to go to the rehab and gain the wisdom and strength to stay on track. His intoxication on the way there doesn't bode well as a great beginning, but what do I know.

Well, I do know that he does not have any place to go if he should leave this time. His home is sold, so he is essentially, homeless. I know he does not have a vehicle. I know he'll be really up a creek if he leaves without at least getting through the detox part and hopefully he is able to work it out with the insurance to stay longer than just that. I also know that if his phone number comes up on my caller ID within the first five days of detox, I'm not answering it. Harsh as that may be, I do have expectations :)

Oh I do have expectations....I expect him to stay there, I expect him to be truthful with himself and really work this out. I expect him to stay sober the rest of his life. I expect him to be successful again in his life, to work on himself and get through his emotional issues and resolve his self destructive thoughts and actions. I expect so much of him, really. But my expectations of him are not going to make any of that happen. It's only his own expectations that will allow him achieve his own goals.

He went through a miserable divorce with an ex who is toxic, a narcissistic sociopath. It's going to take him a long time to discover his own self worth again. His sobriety is the first step in making anything better in his life again, in my humble opinion. And again...these are all steps for him to take, for him to come to terms with, and for him to work on. We are all a work in progress...every day...all of us. And we are worth it :)

Hi everyone....thought I would write again, and post a little update....my friend is still in rehab...he stayed. :) The first week he was there, he called me pretty much every night...same going into the second week....this past week, not so much, or if he did, I didn't hear the phone, or was busy, didn't answer...etc...we've talked just a couple times...his job right now is to concentrate on where he is and the changes he needs to make. Not with calling me to chit chat. He's meeting new people there. He's was trying to set up therapy for himself and his boys. He hasn't seen them in over a year. Ex wife has done all she can do prevent that, successfully. They are supposed to be coming for family day this weekend. I didn't hear from him last night, so likely, they didn't come. I say this, because he would have called had they...because I know how excited and anxious he was about seeing them, he would have boasted to me that they came. I could be wrong. I'm hoping I am, and perhaps he was just tired from the days excitement and activities...that he didn't have the time to call...but I'm more inclined to believe they didn't make it. She (his ex) has done nothing to help her boys be able to see him...which is a lot of the reasons for his depression, his anger, his drinking, his lack of life. She did all she could to prevent them from going last time he was there...but it is what it is. My take on it has always been, do what you need to do for yourself, so that you can be someone they want to be with again...and they'll come. They won't want or need her permission...his disappointment in their not being in his life as they used to be has been a massive coping problem for him.

I can honestly say, she's half the problem. Not about his drinking, that's on him, but in the realm of life....one should allow children to love both parents. Doesn't matter if you hate the other parent...I can't say enough about that. Irks me to no end. Divorce is hard enough without having to bring your children into adult situations. They always still love both their parents...it's child abuse to behave any other way, in my humble opinion...

He's met a woman in the rehab that has a small apartment available for rent...near the area he wants to stay...so he's going to rent from her and her fiancé when he's released. He's working on finding a job, or if worse comes to worse, he said he'll come get his trailer (which I'm currently storing for him) and just go back to work for himself. He's a brilliant custom home builder. If he can focus on rebuilding his life...all good things will come again...I believe that.

So, he's there, he's sober, he's working hard to go to therapy and learn how to cope with all the crap in his life...cope in a healthy way, not drinking. And that's good. He's making a plan for when he's booted from there....insurance still paying for now...so that too, is good. He's putting plans in place should they stop covering his stay. He's "adulting". You know, being a grown up, doing what's right, taking control of his own life, "adulting" . I'm not offering him a medal for it. It's life. Should have done that right from the start and he wouldn't be in the place he is, but I suppose that's what alcoholism is all about right? Screws up everything. It's only been 3 weeks...here's to hoping, that this time, he makes it.

Thank you for the update SD, glad to hear that your friend is moving in the right directions.

I think that is the great benefit of AA, it helps the addict above and beyond the
addiction, it also helps their minds and souls as well.

Hi all...thought I'd pop back in and share the latest on my friends' "recovery". The apartment he planned to stay in didn't pan out. He was booted by insurance from rehab after the 28 days and went to a sober living house again. Got a job. Guy has no problems ever getting a job...which amazes me. He's phenomenal at what he does, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me and I'm happy he's got one. He is back in the same area he was in before, going to meetings...hanging out alone a lot of the time, after work, around his meetings....which leaves him the time to think. His way of "thinking" pulls him backwards though....so he talks to me a lot, talks so much of the past...I suggested he go find himself a therapist...one outside of the rehab place to help him focus on his other issues, get him out of the past. He thinks it's stupid. Okay pal...stupid is as stupid does, as Forest Gumps' mother says. I know it's what he needs to do. He doesn't think so. Nothing I can do about that.

He calls me one night about two weeks ago....chatty as can be about his job, his kids, his ex, the divorce, his lawyer, etc...talking the way he always does when he's been drinking. I don't say anything...don't ask him if he is. I know he is. I know he thinks he's fooling me and thinks I don't know he's drinking, but jeez pal, really? Can he honestly think that I can't tell the difference? Such a shame though, I think to myself.

So, a few days go by, he calls again...chit chatting about much of the same...but this time he talks about how he thinks he's going to be booted from the sober house....so I act all dumb.....oh really? But why???? They would only boot you if you've been drinking! He talks of how he dislikes this sober house so much anyway, so no big deal if they do...it's full of kids, all heroin addicts in varying stages of recovery...crying in the night over friends who've OD'd, how that annoys him...jeez...show compassion much a$$wipe??

So, he admits...yes, he drank last Monday...and his test Tuesday came up positive. He doesn't understand why they haven't booted him already, (it's Friday at this point) but he knows it's coming. And it did. House master, or whatever they call them....pulled him aside that very night, said he could stay that night, but had to be out the next morning, unless he chose to go back to detox.

Well, he just did detox he says....a month ago....he's not going back. He'll be "fine". I'm shaking my head. So he goes and finds a seasonal efficiency motel to rent by the week. He's working every day...and he's drinking. He doesn't call me for almost a week, I don't call him, though I'm thinking of him. I know he's drinking, likely back the same way he was before...starting early....ending late....how a person can drink that much is also an amazing feat to me. I'd be dead on the floor or throwing up all over the place. Anyway, I know in my heart he's drinking, because he's NOT calling me. He knows I know, so he won't call because he knows it disappoints me, so he'd rather be alone in his misery I guess, and be able to drink without having anyone, including myself, give him any grief about it. No biggie. Can't talk to a drunk person anyway.

He calls me yesterday...he's so happy....talking happy one minute....and within 15 minutes of the conversation it goes to misery again....how this, that and the other thing is why he's unhappy, and he has a right to be unhappy, look at all this crap that's happened to him...he's lost everything, so hard to do this on his own, not where his life was supposed to be, blah blah blah....OMG I'm shaking my head....dude....you aren't going to be happy if you continue this attitude. You aren't going to see your kids if you don't have a sober life, and a place to live for them to come to. You know, you have the ability to make changes in your life, and if you want to stay where you are, then stop bitching about what you don't have and how you can't get it. It's not going to just get handed to you. You have to friggen work at it. MAKE it happen for yourself. And if you can't do it on your own, which, CLEARLY, you can't...then get help.

So I listen to him rant...I talk a bit more....and finally tell him I need to go...have things to do. He tells me he's sitting on the beach, watching kids play, drinking beer. I need to go do yard work...you know, responsibilities, because I don't have the luxury of sitting around on a beach drinking all day, in my spare time. (no, I didn't say that, but I wanted to) He tells me I should come out there next weekend and visit...yah, NO. I'm not much up for a shitty efficiency motel experience with a drunk guy, thanks anyway. (no, I didn't say that either, but I wanted to..lol). I just told him no...can't do much of anything right now, work too stressful, too much at home to get done, shopping to do, Christmas stuff...but did tell him honestly that I'm not coming to visit mostly just because he is drinking again. I don't want to be around it.

Talk about frustrating. Talk about disappointment. Under normal circumstances, he might be a really great person, but sheesh, I've never known anyone to be so immature. For me, it's sheer stupidity to continue doing what got you in this boat to begin with, go to rehab, twice now, for pete's sake, and then falter out of it as soon as you get out pretty much....seriously?? You either take it seriously and do the work....or you don't....and if you don't...then stop bitching about it and don't talk to me about how unhappy you are. Anyone with half a brain can do the math on that one. Oh, it's the disease everyone will say. Well...be that as it may, it still anyone's choice to continue to feed the disease or continue to fight it. He's choosing to feed it. Wrong choice in my mind.

Last night, I'm in bed....it's early still...probably 9pm...I'm watching tv...tired from my days' work. Text message comes through....two of them....from him....a few minutes later...phone rings....I look at it and mute the damn thing. I'm not answering....I don't feel like talking to his drunk ass. He calls me 4 times. I'm like, here we go again. I say a little prayer for him. I go to sleep. I will not be dragged back into this drama, friend.

So, I'm feeling sort of sad I guess. He's going to lose his life from this, whether it be jail, or death. I foresee it. Nothing I can do. I know that. I'm mostly sad for him, because with a bit of hard work on himself....he could have had it all. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, so he knows what hard work is about. He worked hard to make something of himself and provide big time for his ex and those kids of his....and yet, he can't seem to do the same for just himself. Just sad.

For myself...I'll keep on keepin' on. I'll ask my God to watch over him if he can. I'll still be his friend...but it will be from a distance. I was hoping for a more happier ending to this story. Sometimes life has disappointments....this is one of them for me. Maybe it'll change. Maybe it won't. Either way, I'll be okay. :)

Thank you Betty. It's just a shame. I also
thank you and the rest here, for letting me share this piece of my life. I know there's nothing more I can do for this fellow, except do the same...hold positive prayer over our souls.

If everyone had a friend as good as you the world would be a much better place I believe. Good for you on still loving and caring about him but detaching for your own piece of mind. It is indeed a heartbreaking thing to watch people whom can have it all self destruct.