The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In an effort to save our marriage, I've arranged an appointment with a marriage therapist. My wife is completely against therapy (she had a bad experience with her ex) but she reluctantly agreed to go. The appointment is this Friday. Over the past few days, my wife has been what I can only call, "her best behavior". Not fighting, doing all she usually does around the house plus a ton more and this worried me a bit. Then this morning, we got into a fight and she acted like she did prior to the good behavior phase which confirms for me how badly we need to see someone to help us learn to communicate but this fighting is too much.
I feel for you, having been in this dance too many times recently. The fighting gets so exhausting and sometimes a "good day" isn't necessarily good, it just means no fighting.
We are seeing a couples therapist currently too, but have been advised that if there is an active addiction it's akin to going to therapy while one partner is still having an affair. The third party in the relationship. I guess we're working on that too.
I wish you all the best for Friday, and in the meantime.
I've been in marriage counseling with my AH for 9-10 months; all the while he has been in and out of drinking. And previous counselors before that, when he was drinking but I didn't know it.
People advised me the same - that we could not do marriage counseling until we had each focused on our own recovery for awhile. I did try that for the first six months, but what drove me to seek a therapist was mainly the need for some kind of mediator. We simply could not talk or make decisions on our own. I was too angry, and my AH's entire mode is resist, or agree and then don't follow through.
Unfortunately, we are still at that same place. My A has gained more trust in the therapist by also working with her on his own... he is *very* resistant and lives in a bubble of denial. He is really not able to follow through or stick with the agreements made during our therapy sessions. And I am still too angry, though I'm working on it! However, we still need that mediation for everything, especially now that I have moved out, and we are co-parenting the children.
I too wish you all the best, and that it will be helpful for you, regardless of what she gets from it.
My AW and I just went to one last week. She's been in recovery for about 60 days now so it seemed to be a good time. And I had a huge issue that needed addressing. It did wonders to be able to express my issue to a neutral party and I think my AW got a lot out of hearing me calmly say it to the therapist and have the therapist validate my concerns and offer solutions. I am definitely not a therapy kind of guy (or at least I thought I wasn't) but found a weight lifted from my shoulders during the session. And the past week has been so much better. I met with him yesterday alone, my AW meets tomorrow and we both will go back this weekend. My AW seems to be doing really well with her recovery so I think that is making this all work but I thought i'd share my experience so far.
Thank you all so much. I am so grateful for all of you. She is not in any kind of recovery and does not think she has a problem with alcohol, only I do. I'm hoping the therapist can help us communicate because as of right now, everything I say is taken as an attack.
-- Edited by mericose on Tuesday 13th of October 2015 03:12:48 PM
We just started couples counseling today. I'm hopeful but also have plan A B and C that I'm working on for me and my kids in case it doesn't work. I wish you luck. My loved one is not working a program, he is doing personal therapy and we go to this together.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
My experience with my AH is that before I learned to detach and diffuse from the chaos, arguments and drama, he would consistenly take anything I said to him the wrong way. Now he knows that I will not play into these situations anymore, because when I sense the drama building, I walk away or leave the house. I will not argue with a drunk in a bar, it serves no purpose whats so ever.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I tried counseling with an active drunk and it didn't do anything except get me into alanon which was not a bad thing. So it wasn't wasted .. it was not the answer for my marriage though.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
She told me last night that she has a ton of anxiety about going as she fears it will just re-open old wounds. Do I reschedule? I don't want to go into this with her if she isn't open to it.. seems like a waste
(((Mericose))) If she is not comfortable with going then I believe that it would be a waste at this time. As some else mentioned, going into therapy when one partner is still drinking is not productive. I know this has been my experience.
I found that my going to alanon and working on my side of the street helped tremendously.
Please do keep coming back and taking care of yourself.
(((HotRod))) Thank you! The therapy is primarily to address our communication issues which are influenced by her alcohol dependency along with other insecurities. I think you are right though. She is not ready for this and it may do more harm than good.
Hi Again I found that alanon gave me tools to IMPROVE MY communication skills. WhenI let go of my unrealistic expectations, stopped trying to fix or give advise, accepted life on life's terms -- wonder of wonders my interactions with everyone improved. Alanon's principles states that if one member in the family become healthy--life improves. I found that to be true.
My H has also gotten a lot of anxiety before our therapist meetings especially when he feels like he's being "dragged into the principal's office". Often times, I think the reluctance has been along the lines of "I know it's just going to all come down to my drinking and you won't have to be held accountable for your part in the situation," and at times in the past, when he really was not willing or ready to admit that his drinking was a problem at all. My H hates to be labeled in anyway (being raised in a cult has given him major aversion to labels and authority figures), so he won't call himself an alcoholic - but he will admit to behaving alcoholicly and to using alcohol as an ineffective coping mechanism.
Over the past couple of years, I have spun my wheels like crazy, researching various therapists and tactics and ways to help our relationship. We wasted time and money in couples therapy when he wasn't ready for it - in all honesty, I probably wasn't ready for it either. I made a decision to try to get myself healthy and stop focusing on him with the help of Al Anon lit, meetings, individual therapy and a deeper understanding of my own codependency. Recently we have had a number of situations - triggers - with every potential of turning in to one of those horrible fights and with the help of all my "tools" I have been more and more successful at not taking the bait and going on with my own business. He may still fly off the handle (and so might I!), but I am better at staying calm and somewhat at peace. As an added benefit, he calms down quicker because there's no one to fight with.
We did ultimately get to a place where he wanted to go to therapy too. He still gets anxiety before the sessions though
If you do decide to hold off, you can also take the time to find a therapist or couples-focused program that really makes sense for your situation. I've heard many people here caution using therapists who don't really "get" alcoholism and addictive behaviors and perhaps minimize or discount the part it plays in the relationship
We have tried seeing a therapist and for us is was good there, but she couldn't come home with us so we'd fall back into our behavior. What I find best for me is going to meetings, working the steps w/sponsor and making friends in recovery. One of my fav. books in the Dilemma of the alcoholic marriage in fact I'm re reading it again. Thank you for sharing.
mericose, so did I until I really started working on the program. Especially the justify and defend part. Now I just state it and leave it alone. He will take it as it is or want to argue, I will not argue with him, especially if alcohol is involved. Best of luck, I really am cheering you on.
