The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
IThe ODAT reading for today, Columbus Day speaks about being controlling. It compares being controlling to a person with a enormous thumb , pressed down upon all the people that she interacted with. This person thought that she was a loving , generous person who was just doing her job and everyone else to blame for the chaos . The other members of the family truly resented her constant interference and control . One member of the family,avoid her control by becoming drunk continually and other members of the family also bucked her at every turn
Since she really thought that she was perfect and doing her job, she did not think that there was any reason for her to come to Al-Anon because the problem was everybody else. She finally saw that she could not stop someone from drinking, even though she tried, and that she was extremely unhappy and unfulfilled . She decided to attend Al-Anon and by working the steps and attending meetings, --wonder of wonders, the controlling,thumb began to shrink and lose weight and things became brighter.
She found that she could turn her controlling nature around and appliy it to working the Al-Anon program for herself. Being such a determined person. It worked.:)
I can readily identify with this individual's attitude. Although I did not think I was a controlling person, I was. I controlled by trying to manipulate others into doing what I wanted by being kind and generous and having unrealistic expectations. I was constantly disappointed, and blamed others. When I hit my bottom Al-Anon was there and pointed me in the direction of sanity. Using the tools I was able to take care of myself, nurturing myself while allowing others to do the same. I am forever grateful to this program.
Thanks Betty for the daily! I picked up the Courage to Change for today as began to read so I could contribute only to find I had the wrong book - ha.ha.ha.ha.....life is never dull in my world!!
This reading reminds me more of me than I want to admit. I have changed, but at times I still get slapped by my qualifiers just for asking questions. My son who is sleep deprived with a new baby snapped at me last evening when I called - saying very sharply, "what do you need?" I calmly stated that I didn't need anything and was sorry I called, said Good-bye and promptly hung up the phone.
I sat and cried for a while feeling sorry for myself as I am trying so hard to change - yet often feel as if they will not ever see me differently. I am tired too - we've all had our schedules distracted by the new baby, a family wedding and then a death of a friend's child because of this disease...
So - just for today - I am taking a step back and regrouping for my own peace of mind and serenity. It seems at times that even though I have changed and grown, I have set backs which make me look again at my side of the street and what I could and should do differently. My brain wants to keep going to resentment, which is a bad place to be.
So grateful that I can choose to work on recovery today instead of allowing the bud of resentment grow into something ugly and difficult to remedy. Thank you MIP family and Al-Anon for the gifts of recovery and the tools of the trade!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((IamHere))) I so understand and can identify with your experiences. After so many years in program my family still responds to me as they remember me as being 30 years ago. I realized that they are stuck in the past and my program, like yours is solid.
I do have to remind myself I am never recovered and am only given a reprieve one day at a time. That is why I must keep coming back
Be gentle with yourself my Friend.
Prayers for your friend who lost their child to this frightful disease. It is an extremely painful loss.
Thank you Betty for your kindness and gentle words! You make an excellent point about being 'stuck'......I need to realize that just because I am changing doesn't mean they are nor are they 'seeing it'. Yes - it's an emotional time for me! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAM, so sorry for the emotional time you are having. I am reminded, in times like these, to take a step back and just work on me, because I am powerless over others and cannot control others thoughts and actions. What others think of me, right or wrong, is none of my business, at this point, because I like myself just the way I am, working hard to be a better person!! You are such a good and hard working person, don't let anyone take you down to their level!! {{IAM}}
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:04:35 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks Debb - you two have made my cry again - I think they are a mix of joy and acceptance....I am not a huge cryer so I guess maybe I just 'need it'.....right now!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ha.ha.ha.ha........yep - that did the trick!! I chuckled outloud as I am trying to avoid that 'snapping stage'!!!
(((Hugs))) back at ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I readily admit that I have a huge tendancy to try to control outcomes and prevent disasters. The part that really burns me is that it seems to me on one hand it is resented when I stick my nose in my childs life (rightly so) yet on the other hand I am the go to person all of the time when there is a problem to fix. I am working hard to accept my powerlessness over it all except myself. I do feel pretty beat up some days. Today is going to be a me day.
Working on question asking because that is one major thing I do... All. The. Time. If I can work on looking at me and stop trying to glom onto my qualifier and find out what he is doing all the time and give him the dignity to be an adult then I think I will begin to feel better. Nothing changes if nothing changes. As I come back to alanon I realize I need to be here and read these things a million times over. Meeting tomorrow.... Glad I have therapy tomorrow too plenty of time to pay attention to just me.
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I love the 'me day' statement - that's a great way to make sure that we put ourselves first.
Youfoundme - it is also question asking that gets me in trouble.....yet - they are ice-breaker/innocent - such as how are you? How is the baby? How can I help? And I get blasted...I should know to not take it personally yet once in a while, it just hits me like a slap on the cheek. Oh well - I just need to keep working on me and roll with HP's plan.....it's in front of me so long as I stop, look and listen.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
