If you have a family support system available to you, usually you can to them and file a writ for protection and a TRO (temporary protection order) the justification for those is not solely threat of physical harm and can be endangerment which drinking falls under.  Child protection has more experiences also that you are available to. Make sure the complaint is provable and real so as not to alienate the family court judges.  You can also call the YWCA for direction.   These are my experiences from having worked in the system where the parent was practicing alcoholism and/or drug abuse and addiction,  Your child has a voice stand by her and amplify that voice.  In support.   (((((hugs)))))

Hugs Snookie,

My experience is a little different because of my own situation, it's based upon Illinois law so you may want to do a little research on the web to find out what others have experienced as well. What are the laws in your specific state.

My first question is do you have a written order for visitation? If not then visitation is up to you in terms of the courts won't be happy if they don't see their dad however there is nothing saying they have to go. Do keep in mind and don't tell your X this he can just show up and pick the kids up and no one can stop him .. I am referring to at school. My kids would tell the adults to call me. Thankfully we never had to put that to the test ... they knew if it wasn't planned they didn't go with their dad and he was very passive because he wanted to do what he wanted to do without the kids being in the way.

When the kids were telling me that my XAH was drinking while they were there and they didn't want to go I called CPS and got a woman who was very helpful. I will tell you what she told me was I did not want CPS involved if it was not necessary, as it was very invasive on all sides. So they would be basically judging me as well. I had enough going on I didn't want to deal with that, so my next turn was the atty's office/ and then the courts.

Now how the TRO's worked in IL the child had to witness an act of violence .. what that meant was there had to be an action of something to have a TRO enforced for a minor. This is after my daughter wrote the judge a letter of what happened to her based upon the fact she was exposed to internet porn that her brother could have gotten a hold of and so on. The judge even said that she was able to articulate her feelings and describe the situation in a very adult manner. She actually came with me when we filed the TRO that day. He was NOT happy with my XAH and actually said there were things that could be done however that there was nothing he could do because of how the law was written. Even though he was drunk, even though he exposed her to porn and even though he was in such a bad state, .. they couldn't do anything.

Based upon my experience what that meant was I could insist on supervised visits or I could actually have his visitation suspended, I decided not to go that route because based upon his current behavior I could tell that the visitation was going to come to an end eventually on its own. What I mean by that is that visitation tends to die a natural death when there are better plans (this includes they would rather be drunk or not deal). Supervised visits, I talked to the kids and they said they didn't want to deal with their dad and someone else. What I DID do was a take a proactive stance and when we went to mediation I asked that a clause be included that stated the kids chose to participate or end visitation at their discretion what that means is if the kids get there and he's drunk .. guess what .. they leave .. if they get there and they believe that he's been drinking .. visitation is over .. if they get into visitation and he becomes abusive and angry towards them .. visitation is over. I will be honest with you it made things really hard on me because visitation literally became 1x every other week (maybe) and it was usually about 2 hours. Within a two hour period he would manage to insult them, he called my daughter stupid and my son retarded, .. the new wife thought that was funny until he just absolutely lost control of himself and couldn't stop. My daughter put him in his place and I got a phone call saying times up. When he started seeing that they were not going to tolerate unacceptable behavior .. he had to start putting a check on it .. even the NW said he needed to stop.

He also tried to tell the kids that they didn't have to go off of the parenting agreement and they could dictate when they wanted to see him. I sat the kids down and had to explain that visitation is visitation their dad was going to have to make time during the days he had .. if he couldn't do that .. that's on him. Until he could stick to the current schedule I was not willing to go willy-nilly all over the board for his convenience. They live with me, my rules .. they visit their dad .. that's the stuff that is court ordered. The other boundary I had was he liked to text at his convenience .. so that meant he had visitation Friday, Saturday and Sunday every other week if he wanted it .. he might text them Friday night and basically was hoping they would say no to his offer, obviously he couldn't be bothered to make actual plans. So they usually had plans going on and he would be very angry. He went in waves in terms of calling them .. there were times the kids called him and asked for visitation and he would say no. Out of 3 days he might see them 1x for 2 hour. They decided they did not want to spend the night at his home.

I don't regret allowing the kids to have control of their visitation because it wasn't me saying no .. it was usually their dad telling them he couldn't for whatever vague reason he had, plus it put the responsibility of their relationship back where it needed to be .. between the three of them and left me out of the mix. The only time I would eye ball my daughter was when I knew .. and as a mother you will know when it's not a good weekend .. I would get wild texts that made no sense and so on. That was really during the time where I could dictate if they saw their dad or not .. after he had a major car accident during the weekend he was suppose to have them. Right before that car accident I looked at them and said .. you guys I think that this is a bad weekend for you to visit your dad. At first I got the stink eye from both of them and then they found out about the accident and neither of them ever questioned me after that because they really got I had a bad feeling and it wasn't just because I was being a butt-head as my son would say .. LOL.

My kids were roughly about your kids age .. my daughter was 12 and my son was 8 and this truly set a precedence regarding visitation and how it works .. what was in my favor is he agreed to it and signed it. I got it before the judge before he changed his mind. What was in my favor is his attorney realized how crazy my XAH is and said umm .. thinking this is what is best for the kids and told him he was lucky to have visitation because after what he put the kids through the night he was drunk and it was bad enough my youngest still will mention it from time to time, I also got lucky because he got admitted to a psych-ward during that time as well and I was informed of that through the police. That was a wild night .. LOL .. to this day the atty's I have told that story to look at me with their mouths open going OMGOSH that did NOT happen and .. yes .. yes it did .. thanks God though because of that incident I got what I wanted and his atty told him he would loose any battle that came up in court based upon that knowledge alone.

I would document what your daughter tells you and stick to the facts, document your experiences with him on days/nights of visitation and save every single text/email you have with him and I would start communicating with him in that fashion so you have a timeline of the behavior. The courts know when there is a drunk/addict involved .. based upon the crazy texting that goes on.

This is my experience and it will vary from state to state .. I really do say leave CPS out of it .. what I have seen with the State and things that others have gone through .. only if you know without question there is physical/sexual abuse happening is the only way I would get them involved .. it is a nightmare.

No parenting agreement, .. if I didn't want them to go .. they didn't go. Parenting agreement/ my kids have power and control over how much or little they dealt with their dad and that is what has worked for us .. the other thing I did that the counselor my daughter went to said was a good thing was they are a package deal .. that means .. if one goes they both go .. if one didn't go .. they both didn't go. I always tried to be sure that they both had legitimate plans to do things on those days. He tried to say he would take our son .. the issue I had with that was he was all about divide and conquer and sorry .. nope .. you have to have them both there together they are a united front. They both felt better together as well so it worked best for us. He couldn't play one against the other .. I will tell you he really worked my oldest over badly .. he would treat her so badly that my youngest would call him out on it. He still treated her differently at least it wasn't as blatant and he realized very quickly neither of them would put up with it long. I just want to qualify that's different than the kids controlling the situation .. they were telling him without saying it .. this is a boundary and while we love you .. we don't have to allow you to treat us badly.

Hugs S :)

This is so helpful. Yes, we do have a written agreement--he gets them one weekend night overnight and two evenings afterschool (which are sleepovers in the summer) It is sickening to me as I worry and now that my daughter is aware and he is blatantly drinking in front of her it is worse. I like the idea of a clause that says if my kids suspect he is drinking (or I do) then there is the right to refuse visitation but that would require family court again. I think I will contact a lawyer to see how to move forward. I have also heard that CPS is a nightmare for everyone and unless there is hard evidence, nothing happens. My kids love their dad so much so this is tearing my older one apart. It has never been my intention to keep them from him. On the contrary I am constantly trying to promote a healthy bond between them even after all the hell I've gone through. THANK YOU for all this--I appreciate your sharing your experiences.