The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought that I have been doing all the 'right' things,I do my daily readings,I come here and read on a regular basis,I attend f2f meetings,attend some of the ones here,reach out to others in my group,let go and let God,mind my own business,work the steps,do everything in my power to work my program to the best of my ability.I really believed I was doing things the way they should be done,have been feeling pretty good about it,about myself,and have been feeling so serene lately.
This morning though,I woke up to find my AS asleep in a sitting position with drug instruments on the table in front of him.My first reaction was to make sure he was okay,which he was.I am still reeling from the panic and fear that arose when I saw him like that.
I did not react in ways I would have in the past,no yelling,no threats,nothing(yet) because I really need to think about this first,in a rational way,before making any decisions about this situation.And to be honest,I am questioning myself right now,I am wondering if I have really been working my program at all or if I have been doing it the 'right' way.I am not sure if I have really been 'minding my own business','letting go and letting God' or any other thing I have learned,or if I have really been in denial and turning a blind eye to all of this.
(((SoggySlippers))) - I have been right where you are - both with your discovery as well as with all the fleeting thoughts that arrive in that moment.
You ARE doing the right things and you ARE taking care of you, both of which are program-centered. With my own boys, it seemed like I wanted to share my 'voice of reason and logic' and knew it was pointless to do so while they were under the influence. So, I found myself waiting for the right time - well.....it never came. They were either actively trashed or they were sleeping it off/hung-over.
My favorite tool in times of chaos and crisis is to write about it (journal or letter that may/may not ever be shared), talk about it (with sponsor or trusted program friends) and pray about it. If you look at the situation for what it is, you can not change him, what has happened to this point. You don't know what the future brings either. But, you do have choices that are 'self-care' such as:
- Wake him and ask him to go to bed.
- Throw out all that you found.
- Call the police about all that you found.
- Do nothing at all.
I could go on and on and on and on. You do have choices and have some program experience to help you decide whether you should do anything or not. Talking, yelling, logic, crying, etc. are past reactions that haven't worked well for the diseased or you. Pray and consider different/new actions that YOU can or will take that will benefit YOU.
So very, very sorry for your discovery. The 'in your face' discoveries were maddening to me. It took a bit of processing to realize this had nothing to do with me and was not malicious. It was carelessness on their part as I am sure it is with your son. The disease is in control of him and it's the disease that left this crap out for you to find.
Hang in there - get to a meeting if possible. Take a walk, talk to a program friend, do something just for you and practice self-care today - you will need all your strength to chose the best next action for YOU.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so sorry to hear about the rough start to your day.
I have often wondered myself (coming home to find my supposedly sober AW ... off, slurring, and pretty clearly drunk) if I am doing things the right way. For me, I found that showing up for my program is the most important part. Just because I find recovery and serenity in Alanon does not mean that she is going to find sobriety and recovery in AA. For me, doing my program the right way means that I am not demanding to know why she is slurring or acting strangely. Why she feels sick and stays in bed the next day. (Why ask something that I know?) I also do not let what she is doing impact what I am doing. (Just because she is "sick" and staying in bed does not mean that I do not go to work.) It also meant not visiting her while she was in jail this past month (visiting hours were while I was at work and when I should have been home with the dogs for three hours already), joining the van pool so I cannot be coerced into staying in town after work instead of going home to take care of my dogs, and financial separation. These things are not easy, and I do not do them perfectly, but with practice, I do better at it.
I don't know what the right response is for you today, but I do think that your program IS working. Just look at the difference in your response already! Thinking things through first, making rational decisions. Maybe HP is giving you the opportunity to set a new boundary here. "I will not tolerate drug use in my house. If you use drugs in my house again, the consequence will be X."
Keep coming back, and keep practicing your program. It does work, and as people remind me VERY frequently, "It is about Practice, not perfection."
(((hugs)))
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I feel sick right now because I feel I 'should' react in some way,yet I' m not.But I don't know what the proper reaction,or rather,'action' should be.I do know I don't want to sit back and allow him to kill himself in this way in my home.
He was just released from jail(again) earlier in the week.Maybe I didn't want to believe he picked up right where he left off.
I will have to seek my HP on this because it has really thrown me off track.
Good for you for giving yourself time. That is something else I have heard a lot lately. "Don't just do something, sit there."
It sounds like you are doing exactly that.
(((hugs)))
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
SoggySlippers, I too am sorry to hear that you had such a difficult start to your day and totally understand what you are feeling that this time. Reaching for your HP for strength and guidance is what we all do when we feel "Off Track". We cannot control, cure or cause the addict to use or stop, there is not doubt about that. So we place them into their own HP's hands, because it is their life not ours. We can love them and understand them, but unfortunately we cannot control or cure them. It is not easy to restrain ourselves from reacting to what others do that seems to affect us. A healthy detachment brings about the very changes we were powerless to make by continually fighting the problem.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
To make matters worse,whatever action I do decide to take I will not have the backing or support from my husband.I wish I hadn't even told him about it because he is trying to alter the reality,the truth, by saying maybe our son had the drug instruments out,'looking' at them and fell asleep.
I am trying so hard to not react,but it just hurts knowing there's no team effort and I feel so alone in this.
-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Saturday 10th of October 2015 09:40:11 AM
After having quite a few hours to calm down,pray,and think,I know what needs to be done.I know I have to follow through with the boundaries I have set.I know he must suffer the consequences or this could continue indefinitely.
It is SO hard though,sticking to what I say.But if I keep giving chances,what does that do?
I know in my heart that him living in my home is not good for any of us.I know this,yet what I have to do is still so hard.
I also know I don't "have" to really do anything at all,but I feel I should do what's best.
Hi SS~One of our slogans is "THINK" before reacting, and that is exactly what you are doing. That's program at work. And taking the time to think could take 5 min., 5 hours, or 5 days. Yes you have a horrible situation with someone you love. I get it. The only person you can control is yourself, and it sounds like you are working your program. Progress, not perfection, right? Life is not going to be fine and dandy for all of us because we attend alanon. However, my life is 100x better than it was before program. My A still drinks, lies, is self-destructive, etc. But I am happy some of the time and my coping skills are so improved. Keep coming back! Lyne
Soggy (can I call you that without getting shot)? Reading this and remembering what it was like for me and what happened and what it is like now I see you found my Al-Anon play book. That is how I was taught to do it and what worked for me and my alcoholic/addict wife. So absolutely different than when I first arrived with my faulty controlling skills. You 3Ced it while you were sleeping and after you woke and found out...marvelous. He did his thing including the bs justifications that they do and still you do not own it. In review what changes do you thinks will work even better for yourself and your child? I think your HP is proud of you for not interfering in your HP's work....Let go and Let God...and your alcoholic/addict work it out. It's sad and it is scary and less so when you consider your HP is in the mix. Proud of you...I see lessons I can use. Mahalo (((((hugs)))))
Setting boundaries.. Like timings to return home I am wanting to do this for sometimes I feel that my detached attitude is leading him to drink more. Am I right?
Shakti - welcome to MIP.....so glad you found us and are here!
Boundaries are about setting limits for self-preservation and/or self-protection that are not punitive....So, to your point, it can include that but it's supposed to be about your sanity and not punishing them.
There is so much more to learn in the program that can be of help to you. Look for local meetings and get engaged for the best fellowship and support - more than what you could even understand. We learn about the disease and about how to 'be true' to ourselves in the midst of the chaos and insanity of the disease of alcoholism.
We learn to look at ourselves and improve how we act/react. We rely on tools, literature and fellowship to get our confidence back and find peace/serenity.
Again, so glad you are here and know that you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is difficult when your spouse and you are not on the same page or at the same stage. I experience that also. I see a son who is an alcoholic. My husband sees a guy who is bored so he drinks. I am choosing to refuse to let it destroy our relationship though. I am trying to let my husband cope in his way while I cope in mine. But setting boundaries (like is he allowed to drink at home) is tough. I don't know how other couples cope with adult children who are alcoholics. I wonder how they agree on rules to preserve their sanity.
