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My son drinks every day. He can never stop at one. He kicked a fentanyl addiction last December with the help of intensive (and very expensive) rehab and sees the alcohol as nothing compared to that. He isn't financially able to be on his own. He's 23. He works full-time. I'm struggling to figure out how to set boundaries at home. Thanks for listening.
Optimist, welcome to MIP and glad you found us to share with. Your son is an adult and often times, with adult children, it is very hard to deal with this disease of alcholism. What we learn in Al-anon, is say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it meanly. You speak of boundaries, it sounds as if you have made it known to your son that you do not agree with his drinking and have set boundaries? Your son should be congratulated for finding recovery from his addiction to fenanyl, that is one of the more serious drug addictions. As far as his drinking is concerned you would greatly benefit by joining an Al-anon group in your locality. We do hold 2 meetings a day here on MIP and you can begin to work the 12-step program here as well. http://al-anon.org/local-meetings
Please keep coming back to talk with us, you are not alone.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome Optimist - glad you found us and glad you have shared!
Kudos to your son for kicking the other habit. Addictive persons tend to replace one addiction for another, and it's possible he's using/abusing Alcohol now instead of the other. And, I can see where he would 'believe' it's less damaging. We all know that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive diseases and it can result in death.
My best suggestion for you would be to get some Al-Anon literature and go to a meeting(s). You will meet folks who have BTDT (Been There & Done That) and learn how to detach with love as well as set healthy boundaries. The boundaries I have for my sons would be different than yours, as they are intended to preserve our sanity/peace of mind/joy.
Local meetings will help you understand the disease as well as give you tools to use for peace of mind.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It's funny because he insists that I am just over-reacting and that he has his drinking under control. He says he drinks behind closed doors so I won't make more of things than they are. Is it normal to have empty wine bottles and vodka bottles in bedroom drawers? Does that sound familiar to anyone? I'm starting to doubt my own instincts. I'm tired. But I have no intention of giving up on him. I have read a couple of the threads on this site about the difference between alcoholic husbands and alcoholic children. We just can't give up on the kids. But I sure hate the liquor.
It's very common to go from one addiction to another. Also to claim that the latest addiction isn't really a problem. Also to say that we're the ones with the problem about drinking. Well, maybe we are - if it's a problem for us, then it's a problem for us. I would be surprised if it weren't getting in the way of his good functioning too. But that he would probably deny.
I can understand that we just can't turn loose of our children who are addicts, but we can set realistic boundaries and help get out of their way and let them experience the consequences of their choices.
During one of my son's "good" periods, he told me about a revelation that he had.
He said that when he was in rehab, some of the guys there for drug problems resented saying " my name is______I'm an alcoholic.
One of the older guys told them "you are all alcoholics whether you know it yet or not" My son found out that was true.......when no drugs are available...........alcohol will fill in!!
carol- That is such an interesting comment. When my son was in rehab, they had AA people come in and NA people come in. My son insisted that the AA people didn't "get him"---only the NA people did.
