Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Weeks7304 · Member

Following InPatient Treatment

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Weeks7304 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share with us.

It's a difficult time and I am certain hard on everyone. I truly recommend you try to seek out local Al-Anon meetings as you can have some local program friends to bounce things off of while you seek to learn more about the disease and what to expect.

As best as possible, try to take care of you and the children. Keep things simple, expect nothing....early sobriety is difficult and she's probably trying to do what she was told to do - stay sober, one day at a time and stay in the present as the past and future are triggers.

So - we all want what we want - and then we just get what we get. Be grateful for what you got and don't project or expect.

(((Hugs))) to you - the path is not easy for any of you, but their is hope when recovery is chosen over the disease - for the diseased and those who live with and love them.

Weeks7304 · Member

Local groups are plenty but our schedule doesn't allow for me to attend right now. Her meetings and her staying sober are the priority. So I utilize this group to the fullest. I appreciate your quotes. This is a journey with no script I suppose. i will take and appreciate any wisdom others want to pass my way.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Weeks - another thought - the meetings here are fabulous! And - if you have to walk away because of kids, other, it's 'all good' - just catch up when you return....

Look up to the top left for the schedule and the link to the room.....perhaps I've seen you there? I can't remember - I work so hard to stay in the day that I can't remember didly!!! JK!

Humor is also a great tool.

Hang in there - with time and tools, she'll get through her emotional turmoil. Keep working on you and it will be just fine!

Weeks7304 · Member

Suppose to be a group meeting currently, but nobody is there :(. I usually attend most of them. Very quiet night in here.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha weeks welcome to the board...recovery doesn't come overnight...not theirs and not ours. This is early time, the starts, stops and stumbles and it is okay to kill all your expectations and slow down with Easy Does It. It is okay to think "I don't know and don't know that I don't' know" because the truth never hurts. With practice we learn over time and with the help of others...the others are in the meeting rooms of Al-Anon; that is where the experience and wisdom are and are freely given with love and understanding. You don't know how to take care of her...she has to learn that. I had to learn how to take care of myself while my alcoholic/addict wife learned how to take care of herself. In short that is how the program works and then there is so much more to learn.

Now that you are here stick around and read and listen and see if you have a power greater than yourself available to you and were that power is. Having higher power more than just yourself works wonders!! Keep coming back this works when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I find that when I detach with love and empath, it is in and of itself the
support that an alcoholic needs and in the process you have the peace
and serenity you and your family need as well.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Just to mention that some meetings have childcare, if that helps your situation. Your own continued good emotional health not only helps you, it helps your recovering A. Glad you are here and take good care of yourself.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Weeks - that does happen a couple times each week! Often if there is no meeting, there are still members who are chatting on the board. Most often, it seems that people pop on late - between 3 - 15 minutes. So sorry you tried to attend tonight and nobody was there.

I usually am around M-F as time allows. AM meetings are more often to happen. PM meetings - better chance M-F. Weekends are a bit busier for all!

Know that you can always post here and we'll do what we can to talk you through questions, etc. It's a 'we' thing, both here and in the room!

Mattie also raises a good point - we have meetings in our area that have childcare too. I often forget that since I don't have the need any longer!

(((Hugs)))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Weeks, Welcome to Miracles in Progress!

As Iamhere said, you can pop in at random times and someone will be on in the chat room, quite often there are people there pretty late as well. I had to give the chat room up, I started to realize it was becoming my addiction, the people there are very enjoyable and have good insights, but I would stay up too late and have to drag myself out of bed in thee morning. Don't give up on them!

To your original question - my wife was in two stints at rehab, one was a couple weeks, the next one in a little over a year was about a month. Both times she came out determined to make things work. The first time she had a network when she left, but it was somewhat weak, and the rehab wasn't in the area, so she eventually got left with little support. She went to AA, and was trying, but she relapsed. The second time she got a good support network that she was confident in using, and she has been sober for almost two years.

The thing they taught her at the second rehab was about emotional sobriety. She understood sobriety, but not emotional sobriety, that most of her life she was running from something, and that alcohol was just the latest thing she was using to do it. She had been through food already (had bariatric surgery about 12 years ago) but had become an alcoholic partially because she couldn't face life on life's terms.

When she was in her second rehab, I got pretty pissed, We had pi$$ed away a lot of money in lawyer's and medical fees. I wasn't sure how I could handle her coming back home. I was told to go to an Al Anon meeting. It helped with my anger, it helped to have a bunch of like-minded experienced individuals at different walks in their life with an alcoholic. People that seemed to know what I was going thought, many of whom had it worse than me yet were still able to smile and love life.

When my wife came home, I wasn't sure what to do either. I resolved just to be honest with her., i took the slogan "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" to heart. I found an unopened box of wine on top of our outside fridge about three days after she came home. I went through the "did she have that before she went in, did she just buy that" game. I did have some advantage there because she had lost her license and didn't drive anywhere without me at that point. But nevertheless, I decided it wasn't worth the emotional price to play that game with myself and her. I called her to the garage, said "what do you want me to do with this?" and left it at that. She was taken aback for a moment, then said "pour it down the drain" We were both relived, since I didn't' yell at her, and she didn't get defensive, and we just moved on with life. I couldn't have done that without having a few meetings under my belt, I'm sure I would have just went off and made some overly dramatic gesture of throwing it away, blah blah blah.

I hope you can make it to some meetings, they are good here. Also, as was mentioned, some meetings have child care. In one of the meetings I go to, someone brings their little boy with them, she asked if she could and nobody minds. It just depends on the meeting and what the group consciousness is.

And keep coming back here. This board isn't quite real time, but there are some very wise people here, I have learned more from just participating in this board then I have any other way personally.

Kenny

Weeks7304 · Member

Thank you very much for this. I will read through this a few times I'm sure. My gut feeling initially, it captures where I am at at this moment pretty well. I'll take wisdom and advise from anyone at this point.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

BTW I like your avatar. It reminds me that most of us are doing the best we can with what he have/know at the time. The key is to increase what you know.

Kenny

ameyer · Member

Hi there,

I have only been on this site for a few weeks but in Al-anon for several years. My husband was gone for 6 weeks in rehab and our children were 9, 6 and 5. I also knew it would be difficult but was suprised at how difficult it really was. He was a JERK to me when he returned. First of all because I arranged the intervention that got him to rehab and secondly I think because he felt useless at home. I had mananged without him, he felt out of place being home. I tried to stay busy and plan stuff with the kids. I kept it light " hey, I wanted to go to the park after school with the kids if you want to join us?". He would follow along, grouchy and a downer. It was work on my part to "fake it" and try to keep things normal and not let the rest of us get down with him. They honestly feel physically and emotionally terrible!! Think of it as your spouse coming home after a major surgery and being in the hospital for several weeks. I also remember him talking down to me and still acting like he did when he was drinking. I had to work hard at how I responded to his meaness. "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I am not ok with how you are speaking to me" and walk away calmly. Hang in there-prayers your way

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow the compassion, empathy and experience, strength and hope in this post is very up lifting. I'm not wishing I had it when I arrived in Al-Anon and it would have helped me thru the self pity stage I was in. I'm hearing mentorship that I got when I first hit the doors of the program, "There is no excuse for not getting to a meeting"..."find someone who needs help and help them" "Practice, practice, practice". "This program works when you work it...work it". Those that came before me we guides...they had been thru it all and spoke with confidence...I dare not get caught not doing it I thought and so I did it.

Weeks I can tell from how my heart is reacting to your post and responses that you are in the right place at the right time...sit, stay, practice. ((((hugs)))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Weeks,

Early days sobriety is really tough for everyone in my experience. There is a lot of sensitivity in the air and, in my home, expectations on both sides that 'things were not as they should be' and 'something is about to go wrong'.

I travel a lot for work and have also found that coming home after a few weeks away takes some adjustment - my husband has developed his own routines that I'm not familiar with and he has not had to accommodate the needs of another adult in the house while I've been gone. The same thing happens when he comes back from a trip as well. So in my experience there is, in part, a natural adjustment going on, plus the added of delicacy of recovery as well.

With regards to early sobriety, those days have been some of my toughest - my expectations of how things 'should be' tripped me up and had me feeling so frustrated more times than I care to remember. My husband's behaviour did not change overnight either - there have been times when I've caught myself thinking 'oh god, and I thought it was the drink!' but things have got better and he is learning new ways to engage with life again.

I've tried to keep in mind the image of a boat with two people on board and I try to do my part in not rocking the boat rock too much, regardless of what the other person is doing. I've also tried to get on with my life and to make sure that I'm enjoying life - it kind of takes the pressure off my husband I think. I've tried really hard not to fix anything apart from myself - it took us a long time to get where we are now, and learning anything new and worthwhile takes time. Jerry says 'Practice, practice, practice', my mantra has also been 'Patience, patience, patience'!

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

Weeks,

I listen to a great podcast that has really helped me. I listen to it to and from work and I think the topics are great. May help in your recovery. Best wishes to you and your family. therecoveryshow.com/

Dave2554 · Veteran Member

Weeks7304 wrote:
First of all, I am rather new to all of this. Four weeks today as a matter of fact. My Wife returned home from in patient treatment, 28 day program on Friday. She did amazing while completing the program. I found this board and the chat board of this group and that has helped a lot. I knew the transition back home would be difficult. But I had no information on what to expect, and maybe there is no information since the journey is very individualized. But this has sucked! Friday was spent saying very little. We didn't have the kids and she was "just taking it all in." Yesterday was busy and a little better, but I could tell she was still overwhelmed. Even cried at dinner at one of our local steak houses. Then today, this has been awful. She is so angry. Hasn't said ten words all day; took a 3 hour nap; left for her meeting 1.5 hours early. I guess my question is, does anyone have any experience with their significant other returning home from a lengthy inpatient treatment program? And if so, what should a family typically expect? I have no idea what to say, how to act, what to do to continue to be supportive. And our young kids are just as lost. I know it is her disease to work with, but this is truly a family disease and it is impacting us all during this transition. Yes, I will say it, I just want to fix this some how. I just want my family back!

Weeks,

Welcome to the board. I can relate so much with what you are going through right now. I am coming up on a year in my recovery, as is my AW. She was inpatient for nearly 45 days at the end of 2014, and the 2-3 months that followed her return home were among the darkest days in our marriage ... probably even darker in some ways than the last 6-9 months of her active disease period, when the disease was creating the most chaos at home. At the risk of speaking for my wife, I think what made it so difficult for her was that she was coming from an environment that took care of her 24/7 for weeks, a place where she was able to focus exclusively on herself, without the distractions of work, family responsibilities, finances, legal consequences, etc, etc, etc. It was totally safe. It was all about her. And then suddenly she is thrust back into an environment where the last time she had been there, was chaos, anger, disease, dysfunction, and just about every trigger you can imagine. I think she came back with a lot fear about how I, her kids, her extended family, friends, co-workers would view her? Would there be anger? Resentment? Judgement? How would she handle the enormous job of continuing her recovery in the face of returning to a full time job, taking on her parental responsibility again, and working on mending the fences with many of the people she loved that she knew had been hurt by her disease. And for good measure, she was facing very serious criminal charges that carried the possibility of a multi-year prison sentence that at that time. We went through a lot of what you described for a couple months. Silence. Awkwardness. Difficulty communicating effectively. Fear. In our case, the sense that we were living in limbo, with her facing the possibility of being sent away for a long time, made all of this all the more difficult. One of the first things I needed to come to terms with, is that there was absolutely nothing I could do about any of those things she was struggling with. So, I spent a lot of time at F2F meetings, talking to my sponsor, and talking with other AlAnon friends who had some experience with what we were going through. The best guidance I got during that time was to be gentle with her, and just as gentle with myself. The best thing I could do is focus on my own recovery, and let her worry about hers. It was hard, and we made both made lots of mistakes. I do believe that with both of us working a recovery, we were able to recognize those mistakes, and were able to address them before they began to fester and cause too much resentment and anger. There was an awareness there, along with our own support networks, that helped us to accept the situation for what it was, to take it a day at a time, and cross bridges that needed to be crossed when we came to them, instead of spending hours ruminating about the ones we crossed and didn't want to, or fearing the ones that we MIGHT have to cross someday. Since those dark times my wife did have to serve some time in jail, but not in prison, and not for as long as was possible. When she was out, had some more months of recovery under her belt ... and I with more under mine ... we were in a better place to start dealing with us. We were healthier, more in touch with our own feelings and needs, and armed with the tools our respective recoveries were giving us to start transitioning from taking care of our selves, to nurturing our marriage in a healthy way. We still have a long way to go ... and there are still times when it feels like she is living her life, I am living mine ... and the nature of our relationship is that we happen to live in the same house, and happen to have a daughter together. But through working with our recovery tools, some non-program resources, and just making time for each other as we are getting stronger in our recovery, those days are becoming fewer and fewer. In many ways, we are healthier in our relationship than perhaps we ever have been, while at the same time, feeling to me at least, like there is still a lot of distance between us. We both strive for progress over perfection. We are making progress, and that is good enough for both of us. I can't tell you how it will all turn out for you and your family, obviously ... but I can tell you that by focusing on my own recovery, and taking care of myself, and staying out of her recovery and allowing her to own it instead of trying to the be the fixer, I am finding myself, and not allowing my sense of me being tied to her recovery, or how we function as a couple. From that, and a renewed relationship and faith in my higher power that he will take provide me what I need (even if it may seem like its not what I want), has come the confidence I have needed to be able to recognize my needs, address them, and know that however things turn out with us, I personally will be ok.

-- Edited by Dave2554 on Thursday 22nd of October 2015 04:10:11 PM

Weeks7304 · Member

Thank you Dave. I connect a lot with what you stated. I constantly have to take a few steps back, or fall of the wagon all together to rearrange my perspective. I am very shadowed by the overwhelming task of addressing so many responsibilities that are just let to be by my AW at this stage. I have to be extremely selfless in the midst of her selfishness. I struggle with this. But the journey is early and I hope we both continue to progress and not let the weight of perfection ruin us.

ichbin · Newbie

This is a great thread! My wife spent 90 days in treatment and has been home for 8 months now. The first 30 days of treatment were awful! She refused to speak to me...I was pissed to be home alone with 2 kids. I spent three days in a family program, and it saved me and our marriage. The greatest thing I learned was to stop trying to fix her and instead fix myself. The next 60 days of treatment were good. The first two or three months post treatment were good. But the last few months have been very very rough. I feel our lives are quickly diverging.

My wife used to be my best friend. We used to enjoy date nights, playing games, staying up late watching movies, traveling. We used to laugh and talk and flirt. Now none of that happens. Now our only interactions are pure business. It just feels like we are two people who happen to be jointly raising kids.

I say all this just to emphasize how difficult and long the road of recovery is for all of us. For me, "hope" is everything! As long as a person has hope, all things are possible. But once hope is gone, it is over...life has no meaning. Before treatment there was no hope. Her treatment has given me hope. I wake up each day and hope to be the support she needs. I wake up each day with the hope of a bright future for my kids. I wake up each day with the hope I am one day closer to regaining my best friend!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

ichbin welcome to MIP and thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I commend and congratulate you and your wife
for all that you have accomplished, it is not an easy task. Have you joined a local Al-anon group? In a local group you will
get such good emotional support for you, which I believe you can really use right now. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 14th of February 2016 07:32:23 AM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

ichbin - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared! Keep coming back and know that you (and your spouse) are not alone!

You are right - recovery is hard, but the results/promised are real and come true for this willing to go to any length!

HOPE you have a great day!! biggrin

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene