The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today marks two long weeks since my AH broke it off with me abruptly. As mentioned in my first post he was 7 months sober when we met, and quickly fell "in love"; And 1 1/2 year of sobriety, and 11 months into our relationship is when he cut me off. I've since left 2 voicemails (I'm certain he blocked my phone number), and sent him the email that I previously posted titled "The Email."
This past 2 weeks had been eye opening for me. I have really taken a lot of my own inventory in this time; examining my past string dysfunctional relationships, and my insatiable NEED to try and fix each of those; even when I knew they were over, and beyond repair, I still had this OBSESSION with making the other person understand my pain, and where it all went wrong.
As I examine what has transpired with my AH, I find myself continuously going through the 5 stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression...I have not yet reached acceptance. I've been reading a book called "Copedendent No More" (that ironically he gave me when we first started hanging out; a book he suggested that we read together). I am just now really diving into the book, and doing my homework.
My AH had only one "long-term" relationship prior to being with me, and that was when he was a junior in highschool. Every other relationship he had up until he met me was when he was deep into his decade of alcoholism; I was his only sober relationship.
We got VERY close VERY fast. I had been injured in pervious relationships, and my AH seemed to have it ALL over my past exs. His was kind, thoughtful, able to give and accept love; would wash my hair in the shower, give me back rubs, tell me I was beautiful, and care for me. All things that I had so desperately yearned for in my past. It was so easy to cling to the love that he showed me, even when I wasn't getting what I needed from him.
There were several times in the relationship when he said he didn't think he was ready for out relationship. But besides a 5 day separation, we came back together (when I went to drop some of his belonging off at his house) and dived right back in. He reassured me that I was what he wanted, and that he loved me and was in love with me.
Even weeks leading up to breaking up with me, he talked about a future with me.
I am having such a hard time detaching, knowing I may never hear from him again.
I know he is not ready for the kind of relationship that I am ready for. I know I have my own CODEPENDENCY issues that I NEED TO WORK through. I just wish I could flip a switch and stop feeling so betrayed and abandoned. I'm trying to stay busy and look forward. But I still feel like I'm in limbo.
I went to a face to face Al-anon meeting. I think that big picture, this has less to do with his hx of alcoholism, and more to do with his emotional inability to meet me where I'm at. And most of ALL it has to do with my codependency.
RS, time will allow you to let go, it has only been two weeks. I know that it is harder to let go, when you are focused on what is hurting you. More face to face meetings are important. You can go as many times as you can during the week, that would be a great help. Al-anon helps us to let go, if we work the 12-steps, and everyday focus on that work. We learn why we are hurting and the solutions will fall into place. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
One thing I've learned is that men who jump fast into relationships will jump fast out of them. I had always interpreted it as a sign that they really, really cared out me and wanted to be in a relationship. But it turns out that what it really means is that they're impulsive. So one minute they're not in a relationship, the next minute they're deep in one. Then ... in the course of a further minute, down the line, they're out of them again. I was completely blindsided and horrified and grief-stricken the first time this happened. Now I see the pattern. Healthy relationships come when the people take the time to get to know each other carefully before getting deep into it. That was news to me!
I know it seems as if time is passing very slowly now, but it will pass and you'll have done great work on yourself and hopefully things will be very different in your next ventures into intimacy.
((RS)) When I read that you are in pain and feeling abandonment and betrayal I can so identify. I too experienced this intense pain and by using the alanon tools and working with a sponsor, I discovered that I had abandoned and betrayed myself and that was why i was feeling so badly.
Keeping the focus on myself,writing asset and gratitude lists daily, detaching and using the slogans I soon felt better because I was nurturing myself and giving myself the love I needed and had denied myself for so long--I had really detached from MYSELF .
I have gone to so many f2f meetings the past two weeks. About seven in ten days. It's helped me a great deal. I normally get to two a week but I'm going through some hard stuff so I've been going to as many as possible. My advice to you would be to do the same! Love in alanon. What you're going through is not easy, but you know the answers are inside you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Besides detaching I had to learn acceptance at the same time...Accepting my powerlessness and others for exactly who they were...accepting that bad things happen to good people and I didn't have the experience of it. Accepting that recovery wasn't about perfection and more like progress and that progress often included those 3 steps back. Accepting that others had their legitimate choices and those had nothing to do with me except that they needed my respect still. Accepting that I made mistakes which hurt a lot and over time less.
Take your time...love him anyway ..."Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". That is the rule I use in my life which doesn't leave me with any justifications for making demands of anyone.
I once wrote a song for an Al-Anon conference a part of which sang, "detach, detach, get off of the worlds aching back...you can't do for you what you need to its true, till you learn dear old friend to detach". Good luck. (((((hugs)))))
