Welcome Mom I like yourself would be very concerned over the drinking and driving , I would suggest that if he continues to practice this dangerous illegal activity he will not be driving our son anywhere.

I also suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings because it is here that you will receive the support necessary to live your life while dealing with the insanity of the disease.
The main alanon number is found in the white pages -- Please call and find meetings.. Good lUck

I know when a group of people starts behaving as if something bad is completely normal, it messes with our perspective, and we end up questioning ourselves.

The answer is that it's not okay, it's genuinely dangerous (for your husband, for your son, for other people on the road, and for pedestrians), and it's highly illegal.  It's called "child endangerment."  One poster on here has a wife who was arrested for doing this in the car.  Merely drinking and driving is a DUI, even if you "only have a couple of beers," even if you're not swerving off the road yet.  In my state, the first DUI has stiff penalties; the second DUI means thousands in fines, mandatory rehab, and a breathalyzer fitted on the car for one year; the third DUI means jail.  That's without a child in the car.

Your husband and his family are sadly and possibly tragically out of touch with reality.

In my view you are very right and wise to be afraid that your son is learning the habits of drinking and secrecy from his father.  He thinks it's something guys do and hide to get away with.  This leaves him at great risk for alcoholism.  I'm afraid often families like that urge their kids to "just try a little," and think it's fun and hilarious for kids to drink.  I would not be surprised if that were happening.  I'm sure some folks on here can tell you similar stories.

You may already have heard of the Three C's: we didn't Cause it (alcoholism), we can't Cure it, we can't Control it.  Sadly, alcoholics are so scrambled in their thinking, and so protective of their addiction, that no amount of arguing or explaining will get them to change their minds.  My AH swore up and down that of course he would never drive drunk, and yet he did time and time again.  (There's a reason I know the penalties for DUIs in my state.)  He would swear time and time again that he would never drive our son drunk, but the only reason he didn't is that I never let our son in the car with him.   Because there were plenty of times he swore he was just fine, and was heading out to the car, and yet I knew he was impaired and was probably driving to the store to get more impaired.

After he endangered our son one last time, I separated from him, because I couldn't take babysitting two babies, one real one and one adult one.  That is not the solution for everyone - every situation is different.

But my finding is that the only way to keep an alcoholic from driving a child while drinking is never to let the child in the car with the alcoholic.  They are simply not sane enough to be responsible parents.  I had to pretend to myself that my A was disabled and not driving. I thought, "He's simply not an option.  How will I get my son places relying on me and my resources?"  It was complicated but I made it work.  Because I had to. 

The alcoholic will typically push back against this because they hate anything to draw attention to the fact that their drinking is causing bad things to happen.  They want to deny it and insist that everyone else denies it.  The fact that your son is afraid his dad will be angry shows that he is trying to enforce this "agreement" with anger. 

I hope he does not have a history of violence.  That would make it a dangerous situation for you and your son.  Al-Anon does not give advice per se except in situations in which there is risk of physical harm.  In that case we would advise that you get in touch with your local domestic violence shelter and arrange a plan for your safety.

But if that is not a risk, it's still true that A's will push back if we take action that implies that their drinking is dangerous.  But our first responsibility is to keep our children safe, not to live in the A's pretend world.

Do you have a meeting?  The best and most helpful way to know how to move forward on this is to work your own program, where the tools will become clearer and the answers more apparent.  Also anyone faced with this needs and deserves support.

I hope you will take good care of yourself.

I would have to agree with most posters who are advising you not to let your husband drive your son. I got to a point with my AH that I had to let our babysitter know that he was not allowed to have the boys in the car with him when he was driving. This was when he was spiraling out of control and luckily he never did have them in the car. F-2-F meetings would be a good thing for you right now. Take care of yourself and your son.

 

 

The feedback...all of it that you have received is right on.  Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical a poison which is where the word "intox...icated" comes from .  You may have married into an alcoholic family if everyone is assuring you its fine if and where secrecy is the way it is handled.  They all know how many people have their lives altered by alcohol consumption either their own or someone else's.  My brother thought it was okay and that he was immune until he drove off a mountain road and rolled his car over and over with his wife bouncing around in it and he was ejected.   Damn that still affects me after almost 40 years.  He's gone because of the disease and the disease still lives in his children.   ....and his brother who is in recovery.  It isn't a bad thing its a sick thing.   Keep coming back.  Let us know how the Al-Anon meeting went for you.   (((((hugs)))))

MOM, simly put your husband is ill and his behavious is not acceptable.
Im only in the fellowship a few months but ive been were you are with my partner making light of her actions..
When i found out that my wife had driven with our youngster i was in turmoil but i quickly realised and accepted the following:

WHEN a serious RTA occured my partner would be intoxicated and would be responsible for thier own life and any consequences.
Alcohol and the illnes would stop them taking ownership and they woukd subdue everything and carry on drinking afterwards whilst others picked up the pieces.
My child however was not old enough to be responsible or make sound judgement both in terms of getting in the car or ensuring the seatbelt was on. This singificantly increases the probability of them not getting out of the car as they would be dead.

My wife would potentially live through the aftermath with drink, whilst i would be left all alone to cope so i would not only have to deal with the consequences of her actions but also my own for not taking steps to ensure my childs safety.

When i realised this it was simply a case of putting ridgd boudaries in place. Child does not get in car unless I am convinced that she is sober, and if i later find out that she drank after putting child in the car then the child would never go in the vehicle again.

I also calmly explained to her (when she was sober) that her actions were not just jepardising herself but all other road users and pedestrians, and that if i ever found out she was driving whilst intoxicated then I would call the police without fail.
She thought it through and handed over the car keys and hasnt driven for 12 months since. Yes it makes it a little harder for me but she knows im also not a taxi so when needed she will look for alternative transport.

Pick your moment, dont be confrontational, but also dont let your life be effected further by allowing your husbands illness to do things that you are strongly against, or that are illegal. We know its difficult but you will find by attending meetngs and forums etc there is many others who have been through the same things and are "livng life" rather than being a passenger.

Glad you found MIP and keep coming back, hope this helps

I'm so sorry I haven't read any of the other posts really .. I can tell you if my XAH drives with the kids and he's intoxicated I promise you I'm on the phone with the police. Bottom line is I could never forgive myself if there was an accident I knew that my XAH had them and worst yet .. I would be held accountable because I knew there was a problem and looked the other way.

He drinks and drives I no longer feel any kind of responsibility .. I would be horrified for other people in terms of if someone was hurt .. I can't control him in that way .. he drives with the kids and I know he's been drinking that is just so on me as a parent. I guess though .. I would call the police if he showed up drunk and drove off my property .. don't show up drunk, better yet .. just don't show up.

I have lost my patience and tolerance at this point .. he is sick .. however he's still responsible for his choices .. bottom line just not my issue.

The kids knew not to get in the car with their dad if he had been drinking or they suspected he had been drinking .. I found out later that there were a couple of times they questioned .. they were both pretty young .. it only took one really bad visitation and they were on the phone with me saying .. come get us, dad's drunk and it's time to go home. He's still very angry about that however that's completely on him. He actually did wind up in jail for different reasons on a third party contact .. he violated the temp OP I had on him.

I do encourage you to have the plan A,B,C, and a D as well .. it's important to realize that an alcoholic is so totally out of control in terms of life is unmanageable and so on .. they have no sense of what is right and wrong and the disease has such a grip that the thinking is beyond distorted. I know my XAH would never intentionally hurt the kids .. he's still not in his right mind at this point and because of that he makes completely wild inane decisions without the consideration of how it affects anyone except him because the diseased thinking wants what the diseased thinking wants.

Hugs it will get better and clearer, my kids have no choice and no voice so as the functioning parent .. that's my responsibility to be that for them until they find their own voice so they can make their own choices.

S :)