The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
there is back story here... Long story short my step mother died of chirrosis on September 3rd. I had been dealing and continued to deal with a lot of anger before, during and after her death.
I'm not mad anymore.
the farther i get away from it, the sadder it becomes. My older sister and I coordinated her funeral, which was extremely strange in and of itself... We had a terrible relationship with her, we weren't on speaking terms when she died - and here we were picking out flowers, putting together memorial videos and collages... It was strange. And also sort of cathartic. If I'm being honest, we did it for my Dad.
I sat in a room with at least 150 other people and wept over the loss. People loved her. She had friends and family and children. She had redeeming qualities, even if I didn't see them much the last 10 years of her life.
The more I thought about how she set fire to all the relationships in her life, habitually lost jobs, lashed out hatefully and sometimes even physically at her family, etc. I think less "what a monster" and more "my god, she was so so sick". It literally killed her. She died terribly, too. These couldn't have been the actions of a sane person.
I dont really know where I am going with this. Sad isn't any easier a feeling than anger, I guess. I don't know. This has been a difficult experience.
for those of you who have followed my posts... I'm happy to say my Dad and little sister are doing okay. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a large relief component associated with this for them and that while they are grieving, they are hopeful for a peaceful and functional future.
I hope wherever she is, she isn't struggling anymore.
So sorry for your lose and though losing someone is never positive,
glad that you were able to to see and experience something
positive in the process.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((Scotty))) thank you for your compassionate update following the memorial service for your step mom. I am impressed that you were able to let go of the anger and feel the loss while honoring her memory.
I agree, even with the sadness there s a feeling of relief following the service.
Please remember that Alanon meetings will continue to support you and your family. Positive thoughts on the way.
It does sound cathartic Scotty and I get a sense of grace whilst reading your post. I am sure that your whole family will be experiencing many different emotions and wish you all peace and growing awareness as you start on the next chapter in your lives. (((((Hugs)))))
Scotty - thanks for coming back and sharing your ESH. I too sensed a ton of grace as you walked through the steps necessary to support those you care about (dad and sis). What a revelation - how sick she truly was vs. how mean, selfish, etc. I think you've gained an experience that aligns so well with this program - when we view them as sick vs. bad, we are able to practice empathy and see things differently.
(((Hugs))) for you - so sorry you've had to suffer through this loss. So glad you've been able to be of service while grieving what no longer is. Prayers for peace for all of you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So sorry for your loss. I agree that sadness is so much easier than anger. She was sick and I'm sure it was so maddening to you. It is great that you were able to come together with your sister to make a meaningful last event for your mom.
