The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK So my latest thing I am working on is to face some of my many many numerous fears.
I will start with Thursday and work my way to my 2nd meeting this morning.
Thursday: I had lunch with my daughter in laws mother who was in town. I live in FL she now lives in Indiana where my son, grandson, and her daughter live. She bought a house up there in June after her husband passed away in May. Anyway. At this lunch she says to me she has to make one more trip down around the 15th of October. She is leaving to go back up there this Wed. She says hey! why dont you come with me? I took a very deep breath..very deep...thought about AH..thought about MIL who says she does not need my help anymore. Thought again about my AH..YES I hemmed and hawed in my mind...and said that is a great idea! When I got home AH was sober so I said Bev wants me to go back with her on Wed and she will be back in 2 weeks. He said to my surprise..what do you want to do? I said I want to go and I am going. We are not telling my son I am coming (we are very close) and it will be a good surprise as his birthday is Tuesday..i will tell him his package will be there wed or Thursday....yes I am the package.
Friday: For the most part the day was pretty good. Then came afternoon and AH started his business..glug glug glug...I said nothing...Then at supper time for dinner we were having left overs and we had a choice of 2 different things to get rid of...so I said are you hungry would you like something to eat...and he said or mumbled something that sounded like it doesn't mater anyway I really couldn't understand...so I said that has nothing to do with eating...then he started in with the guilt trip stuff...I feel we are coming apart..blah blah blah..normally that would have resulted in me saying " what the bleep bleep do you mean"...but I put my angel face on and said sorry you feel that way......about 10 min later he left the house...and yes I worried..but i worried he was getting whisky instead of beer..because he knows how much i hate the whiskey....then I let go and let God...I said God he is all yours....called a friend......when he got home he had McDonald..handed me a shake, and an apple pie...kissed me and said I am not going to drink anymore. and that was it...now i have heard this before so I am not going to let those hopes up too high....ODAT.
Then came today. He did indeed stay completely sober today. I went this morning to my meeting and he was sober when I got home.... but I faced a fear today at the meeting. I am a one on one talker..not a group speaker....topic today was why do you keep coming back...good topic.....so I listened to a few shares, and wrote down what I would have said....next thing I know I hear myself say...hi I'm Debra.......my heart was pounding...my body was shaking...my leg was kicking back and forth thought I was going to kick the woman in front of me....I can feel the fire in my face...I could hear myself talking but God knows what I said.....I know i was having a panic attack but i got through it.....and the one thing i did notice was that they were all smiling...not making faces at me like omg what wrong with her...or wanting me to shut up...they were just smiling....Can i do this next time I go...I don't know..I hope so....i felt good after the body cooled down...and I could breath again...it didn't kill me....one fear down...many more to go.....thank you all so much for all you have done to get me this far... I love each and everyone of you....thank you Al Anon!
Thank you all....I will still be here..taking the lap top with me...I will do everything I can to make my meetings...my lifeline..I may be watching the cartoons with my grandson as we are in morning meetings but that is ok with me...LOL..and I sure didn't expect to have any ESH this soon...but I guess I do...lol...
OMG it didn't kill me!!! Love that thought expression and am grateful that I got to hear is again. That was of of my ancient thoughts and feelings also and I'm glad we got thru it Debra....YAY!!! (((((hugs)))))
Yay Debra - so very, very excited for your program - keep working it girl....it really looks good on you!
I've got positive vibes and prayers headed your way for a lovely trip. I am sure your son will be happy beyond happy to see you - what a great surprise!!!
I lost track of time this AM, so missed the meeting this morning - *sigh*! I'll see you there tomorrow or the next day!
Have a marvelous afternoon and grateful for you being here - lovely share and lovely ESH!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene