The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the email that I sent my ex right after he broke up with me. I never got a response. I haven't heard from him, and am realizing I may not. I'm trying to put my focus elsewhere, but it's SO SO difficult. I have so much love for him. Here it is:
Where do I even begin? I am hurt beyond measure. I am confused, and thought we had made progress in our relationship, as well as measurable growth from where we've been. The kind of growth that would have prevented last night's episode of you breaking up with me over the phone, and locking me out of your house, as I stood there like a fool crying outside of your door.
I have done everything I could have as your partner to support you in your sobriety, and your growth as a person. Maybe these are things that you cannot recognize now, or ever will. Maybe I have served my purpose in your life, and now you're letting me go. That's not for me know, only wonder to about I guess. I am left in limbo with lots of questions left unanswered. You cut me off. You often tell me that you are "black and white,"and cannot afford to be gray when if comes to emotions. Your emotions have been every shade of the rainbow, from your highest highs (making me feel loved, appreciated, protected, and safe), and your lows (making me feel sad, frustrated, unappreciated, unsatisfied, unheard, and at worst dispensable). I have been along fro the ride, and taken on whatever nurturing, understanding role you've needed me to: whether it was holding you while you cried, or giving you space.
Being in this relationship with you has been very lonely for me at times. I have often put aside my own needs, to meet yours. It all has come at a cost. And now I'm left here without answers. You are volatile enough to tell me you love me in one breath, and in the next breath break up with me. This is not how loving, adult partnerships work. Maybe I have been naive thinking that if I SHOWED you enough love, I could TEACH you otherwise. I know now I can't do so.
Every emotional conversation, or breakup leading up to this point there has been a common theme: you are not ready to be in a relationship. You need to work on yourself.
I have selfishly loved you so much that I chose to ignore the warning signs. That piece is on me.
I love you. I don't want you to hurt. I want you to thrive in this life. You have come so far. Now it's time to get out of your own head and out of your own way. No one can help you to do that. This is your journey.
I think you have expressed yourself very well. He showed you with his words and actions who he is. You told him who you saw by writing this note. Now you have to go on and live your life. Don't expect a response from him. He has shown you who he is.
I agree with Maryjane, you expressed yourself well, now it is time to move on. Going to as many face 2 face meetings as you can will help you and working the 12-step program will give you clarity. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Yes...sounds like someone emotionally unavailable and that all the emotion in that email is just more of the same stuff he can't handle talking about or listening to. RS, I used to chase emotionally unavailable people and try and change them all the time. I used to get upset and KNOW that things could be better if they would just have some emotional honesty and availability and courage to be expressive. NOW...back to reality. That was never going to happen and I was driving myself nuts. Some men only are capable of hanging out, having fun, having sex, and muttering "I love you" at what they think is appropriate times. After this hurt subsides , spend time loving yourself and then search for a guy who you don't feel the need to school on emotional functioning.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 27th of September 2015 07:48:26 AM
He's given as much as he's capable of giving. From reading your email to him, it's considerably less than you're capable of giving and would like to receive in return. You deserve this sort of emotional balance, emotional equality, a healthier relationship than can happen with him. You can go forward to healthier relationships because you understand your wants and needs. To choose selfless martyrdom and accept less of course is a choice too. Hopefully, this experience has produced red flags for you that alert you when you meet another guy like him to say... oh there that is again, I don't want to go down that road, I deserve more. For me, it took time and experience - hard lessons and heartbreak. I wish you a more serene journey. If I'd used the slogan Let It Begin with Meas a my roadmap and worked the steps and gotten a sponsor sooner than I had, I might have avoided some of those pitfalls because I would have reached out for my higher power's guidance rather than running on self will. I took rejection personally and felt abandoned and even angry after being the "healthy one" who only tried to "fix" my mate for the better. When my feet finally hurt enough from this dance, I stopped. This was one of my experiences with Alanon's saying ... sick and tired of being sick and tired.Until, I really felt depleated, I wasn't going to change my behavior no matter how much I was hurting myself. I wish you recovery and serenity. These discoveries about people whom we become emotionally invested in are sad for us but maybe hp feels they're necessary so we can determine where we ourselves are at and what we still need to work on in ourselves. Awareness and acting on our own behalf rather than sitting in a situation and allowing ourselves to be acted upon is growth. But words don't heal a sad heart - I'm sorry the relationship wasn't what you'd hoped. Your relationship is out there and hp will lead you to it. To Thine Own Self be True.Thanks for sharing about it here. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
God looking for validation from an alcoholic is like what? They will not do it because it lessens their pride and egos and they cannot do it because its foreign ground. I was taught to never seek validation from an alcoholic and or addict or I would be left empty and needy. Better to take the need into the rooms of Al-Anon and listen. (((hugs)))
Hugs restless, I think many of us here can relate to what you have written, and have felt the horrible hurt and frustration you are expressing in your email. I know as I read this I felt a real pang of pain knowing how much you want him to understand, and also knowing that it's likely he will either disregard what you have written or possibly even turn your words against you and use them to hurt you. I know that my A would deliberately misunderstand any attempts at expressing my emotions in really painful ways.
And I'm glad you shared it with us because whilst you might not get the validation you crave from this man, you are heard and understood and loved here!
You wrote
"I love you. I don't want you to hurt. I want you to thrive in this life. You have come so far. Now it's time to get out of your own head and out of your own way. No one can help you to do that. This is your journey"
Can you now say those words to your SELF, maybe print them out and tape them on your wall somewhere and let yourself start healing? Because you deserve it, and you're worth it.
(((Restless Soul)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 27th of September 2015 01:12:09 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you for your response. I wish I could just flip a switch as it seems my AH has. I felt so loved by him (more than any of my other relationships) and I craved that affection and companionship. I'm trying very hard to look at this objectively, but it's proving very difficult. Thank you again for writing.
Thank you for your encouragement. I mean everything I said to him with all of my heart. It is so hard to accept that this is truly over, when just a day before he broke up with me he was telling me he loved me and couldn't wait to see me. I guess I'm still just shell shocked.
Pinkchip,
Thank you for the response. I am definitely realizing a pattern with the relationships I have stayed in, when in reality I should have stepped way and demanded more for myself. The rejection of it all is what hurts the most. I am realizing just how codependent I've been from the time I was 15 until now (I just turned 31). It would be such a relief to eventually find someone who is consistently emotionally available, not just when they are having a good day.
Tiredtonite,
You said "he's given you as much as he is capable of giving." This is a HARD realization to come to. I keep ruminating on the good (when he drove to work in a snow storm, told me I was beautiful, listened to me vent and cry after a hard day, had dinner waiting for me when I got out of work). All of the thoughtful things he did for me were things that were missing in my previous relationships. It felt so good to feel loved by him.
Jerry,
I couldn't agree more with what you said. I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall trying to make sense of this; I'm going to try to find a meeting this week.
Missmeliss,
Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. I have found that in the past, my AH was great about reflecting and knowing he had done wrong, and really expressing that to me; just not good at not hurting me in the first place. I wish I could take my own advice. I'm working on loving myself. For the 11 months that I dated him, I looked out for my AH and put him first, and he always put himself first as well. I'm working on trying to do so for myself.
THANK YOU EVERYONE for your thoughtful, insightful responses. You have no idea what an impact your kindness has made on my heart.
Jerry - 'beating a dead horse'.....is what popped into my mind. And, it is so, so true. For me, trying to reason with an A and/or expect validation from them is the very definition of insanity for me. When I seek comfort, love, validation, at-a-boys, etc. from beyond myself I am setting the stage for a resentment. I am so grateful that this program has taught me that I don't need others to tell me I am a good person to know that. I am so grateful that No is a complete sentence and lastly, I am so grateful that I never/rarely feel alone any longer.
Al-Anon has been the gift that keeps on giving, over and over and over again!
RS - work on you. Be your own best friend. Learn to love yourself. Seek to be the best person you can be. One day at a time, and you will be simply amazed. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great post! Thank you all! I, for a LONG TIME(years) seeked love and validation from others. It was exhausting and never lasted. I lost myself in all this self-centered behavoir. Very low self-esteem and confidence. Fear, doubt and insecurity is what I ran with. The pain brought me here.
I learned here that I need to love and validate myself in order to be truly Happy. Unconditional acceptance of who and what I am. With all the strengths and weaknesses I was blessed with. That part of acceptance comes from the acknowledging the truth. That I am a work in progress, but atleast I'm taking Steps to be a more Spiritual and Selfless individual. When I put the focus on taking care of myself, everything around me seems to fall into place as it should. For me, Self Care has been a life changing event.
I really feel your pain and hope with sincerity that time will ease the hurt swiftly and that you will move to a place where you feel better in yourself, better about yourself and find in time someone who deserves you as you have alot to give the right person and hopefully you will find someone to give to you equally as you are so worth that.
Loving an addict is just so difficult and even if they achieve sobriety, often we begin to realize that the substance isn't the only obstacle and difficulty we are dealing with.
Being cut off like this is so callous and I just hope the emotional pain subsides for you and you look forward to a brighter time and life rid of the insanity that addiction brings.
