The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I have been doing pretty good with detaching with love and just letting him live his own life,without interfering.I had been feeling so much serenity by turning him over to his HP.Every morning when I say my prayers,I ask for help in standing back,staying out of the way,so that he can find his own path.I usually feel pretty good about it and trust my HP.
But lately,I see that my son is on a very self-destructive path,I see the toll his addiction is taking on him,I see it in the way he talks,the way he dresses,the hollow look in his eyes,and it frightens me.
Today he looked very bad,and as his mother,of course I want to tell him what he should do and how to do it.I want to take care of him,fix him,help him,get him off this path that has lead to prison time and time again.I want to scream,plead,beg....all the things I did in the past,before Alanon,things that never made a difference anyway.
But,he's an adult,not a child.I can't fix him.I wish I could.
I know I need to let go and trust my HP to help me through this.
But it is so hard.It is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.I don't want to watch,but I am having a hard time looking away.
((((((Soggyslippers)))))) You like us are feeling the pain and sickness of our addiction. What stopped me was full surrender to my powerlessness and abandoning myself to my Higher Power absolutely. I didn't beg, plead or try to negotiate with God...I finally let her go absolutely...Held her up above my head with open palms to my HP and when my hands came back down they were empty. Yes I bawled partly because I believe some how, some where and at some time I would get lucky and cure her and then that one aching statement from her kept me awake and humble..."Leave me the hell alone"...she didn't want what I had...my hands came back down empty and I became the winner. Prayers and tears for you right now as I get to feel the feelings with you this time. Let God and Let God...practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))
(((Soggyslippers))) - I can totally relate to the internal debate you describe. I have been there before and will probably be there again. I have one son who is still active and another who is newly sober (again)....
I do not know what God (HP) has in store for them. I try to hold onto the reality that it is probably better than anything I could imagine for them. He is in charge, I am not. I use the serenity prayer to help me keep the focus on what I can affect - me!
What I do know is my rescue ability has never worked. Time and time again, I tried to fix, cure, lead, coach, counsel, etc. and it has NEVER worked. Any pockets of sobriety has been when they felt they were ready.
I love my sons more than heaven and earth but I hate this disease. This was my mantra when I first came to Al-Anon. Keep turning it over and do what you're doing! We are with you and you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It might be time to look away. I had to and where it lead was up to my son. He made the choice and he knows he made the choice. I had to stop trying to cure him, help him, enable him, talk to him, yell at him, cry at/for him. I stepped back and let his journey take it's course. He was sick....really really sick but with me not letting him in but just loving from afar he took the final step I didn't want. PRISON. He now has had two years sober and I have had two years learning how to take care of me.
I know my son loved me but he himself admitted to me I was his main source to keep his disease strong and healthy. He knows I loved him so much I would do anything to help him get well and he took it all in until the source was gone. He really plunged down and I'm sure he would have died but he didn't. Thank you HP for the Arizona Sheriff's Department.
Read often, journal often, pray often and give yourself time to think it out before jumping into the crisis. I found out that my reactions to the situation didn't help one little bit. My son was still going to do what he was going to do and I was the one getting sick over it.
He is going to use/drink or he's not....what are you going to do.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks everyone.I am trying my hardest to stay focused on myself and work my program.
I have been down this exact same road so many times through the years,and this time I just want to stay sane as it is all happening.I can't change or prevent the outcome of his actions,but I can (hopefully) change my reaction to all of it.
-- Edited by SoggySlippers on Tuesday 22nd of September 2015 08:19:21 PM
Prayers from my world too SS! What you stated is exactly the goal - keep your peace as best you can as there is no control in what others think/say/do.
(((Hugs))) to you - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is so hard to let go and let God. It is something that I am struggling to be mindful of myself. I understand how crippling the anxiety can be. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
These last few weeks are the first time I have done almost nothing as my son came out of rehab without his family, his job, his house, a car, and he has 2 court dates. He is on probation.
I felt better the last 2 days. He spent last night in a shelter. -my gorgeous, kind, loving, smart, son. But he is a nightmare when he drinks. I slept all night and I am fully functioning today. Detaching works, but it is so hard. ((((SoggyS)))))))))
Wow! it's such a wake-up call for me to hear about so many other well-meaning, loving moms making the same mistakes that I do!! It's SOOOO hard to let go and watch your child struggle and self-destruct! My son is truly a lost soul who just doesn't know which way to turn! I am encouraging him to go to a meeting (daily). I have provided him with the times and locations of meeting that he can walk to since he lost his license and car years ago!
He is staying with a family friend who has given him a week to 10 days to get in a program since she has a new tenant coming in and needs the space. I asked if they had discussed a timeline....he said"not really". He's still in total denial! He will be homeless (again)very soon and still is afraid to connect with people who can help him.
I pointed out to him that the very same people who can help him are the ones he can't fool with his B.S. good reason to stay away, I guess!!!! I am a bundle of nerves, I know he's out of my control but worry that he is no longer able to make a sane decision. What's the consensus on interventions? Do they ever work?
