The material presented
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Ok now A and his friend are kicked out of the friends moms house as of tomorrow.
So who does he call? Me. Is telling me he might have to move into my barn. I said no way. I kept thinking and saying I can't have you here, you could hurt me. Just kept saying all the reasons why I had to say no.
Then I told him I had to think. He said he would call yesterday but didn't. Wouldn't ya think if you were facing being homeless you would not want to be rude to the only person who might let ya stay? He goes to jail the twentieth anyway.
But I am finding it so hard to say no. But I know I have to. He has to feel the bottom of his pit. crimany he left me and I had to live in my barn.
I had to beg him for money when I was about starving.
You guys I am really exausted from my caring for gma who died 3.1. Been caring or her for over two mo.
Just a whole bunch of life going on. I turned my phones off and got off my lists.
Need to rest.
Please help me would you? tell me all the reasons to allow my A to be homeless?
It is cold here in oregon. He has a pickup with a canopy. no money at all.
Please encourage me to say no. please help me see the truths we have learned in alanon.I am so emotionally spent. for many reasons. I don't want to go into detail.
suffice it to say, my grama was the last family member I had left.
not counting my kids.
and one of them is a very difficult person.
I gotta take a nap. love,debilyn ps cdb, you know I am praying for you and yours.
My heart really goes out to you during this difficult time.
Recently, I've noticed that when I'm having a tough time sticking with my boundaries (what I KNOW I should do in my best interest), I have to look at what I'm telling myself. Sometimes, it's that I'm minimizing the situation: "It's only for a few days what could the harm be...." or it's scaring myself to death "If I don't help, then XYZ terrible thing might happen..." or perhaps guilting myself "If I don't help, I'm awful". What helps me is to look at what I am telling myself, and then challenge it with what I know is really true.
You have been through a tough time. You have a right to grieve, and get some much needed rest. Will having your A stay in your barn strengthen you, add to your serenity, nurture you or will it add stress and mayhem? You have a right to honor your own needs for rest and sanity. Stick to your guns, girl!
Wow, that's a tough one Debilyn. Nobody but you can make that decision, and if and when he calls, your answer will come to you. So sorry about the loss of your grandma. Will be thinking of you and sending along extra prayers.
Debilyn I would ask myself can I stand any more emotional pressure in my life right now and I think you already know the answer to that. Is taking care of others needs before your own a healthy choice at this time? You are emotionally spent and need to grieve. Who looks after Debilyn when she falls in a heap? Here for you. Luv Leo xx
I don't know if this helps but when I asked my A to move out last October, he went very quietly. 16 days later he asked to come home. As we talked on the phone he convinced me to let him when I got off the phone I told my sons that my A was coming home. One of the boys asked why? I couldn't give him a reason except that I had been manipulated by my A to give in because it was just easier than saying no and having to explain to my A why I was telling him no. I called my A back and told him NO, I was going to have to think about this. He explained he was packing his car and then would be on his way. I said NO. Then I busied myself until I could talk to him. I was so confused. He returned home after we talked. (I don't fear abuse from my A) I had to feel comfortable with my decision; I had to make a decision that my gut was okay with. It had to be my decision, and my decision alone. I have learned a lot with my counseling and Al-anon, one of the best things I have learned is to trust my HP and trust myself.
I'm so sorry for your loss. How comforting it must have been for her to have you to send her out of this world with love. Your spending so much time with her the last few months was a Godsend for you both. It puts life into prospective to live to your fullest. I'm learning to do for me, to step out of the box a bit and to keep the boundries up at the same time. I know you know what you should do with your A's plan.
Mourning is exhausting but it's also healthy. Take your time and feel your feelings. Let you animals comfort you.
((((((((sympathetic prayers and hugs))))))))))) How very sad that she is gone from this earth but I know her strong spirit will continue in you. Only you can answer what is right for you. I will say prayers for you. Do they have a homeless shelter there or Salvation Army? The As/drug addicts that I have known have actually been very creative in finding somewhere to crash. Maybe that will help you out thinking that. It really is not your problem. They have 2 heads to figure something out too, don't you think? Yes, you do need to be safe foremost! I have seen documentaries on TV too in the winter time where they somehow stay warm and survive. Jail will be like the Hilton to him by then. I am proud of you for saying NO. Keep us updated and know you are at a vulnerable time now too with the loss of your grandma. You still have family debilyn. You have us! Let me know if you do not have my new email. Gees, he could even commit a crime and get put in jail early. Sounds to me that he has more options than you. Overall again, it is still your choice as to what to do. God Bless xoxoxoxoxo cdb and ty for your words of sympathy.
I find that when I loosen up my boundaries it is when I am to tired or exhausted to make the effort to stick to them. I have to remember why I set them to begin with. Get plenty of rest and take care of you. Once you feel refreshed you will be more likely to stick to your boundaries and make good choices. Remember, we don't want to make decisions when we are feeling tired, lonely....We tend to act on emotions at that point instead of logic. I hope this helps.
Sorry to hear about your gma - she is in a much better place now, no fear no worries, just peace and love.
That gets me thinking about YOU. What place are you in right now? You are on the brink of finding that serenity, I hope you grab on.
I think that living with an A, and rescuing them over and over, well, its a habit that's hard to break. Not to mention the fact that an A will manipulate your guilt and sympathies for so long that they know what buttons to push at just the right times, and you are kinda used to giving in to them as well. Maybe with your recent loss, it is tempting to gain something back, even something you know may be harmful.
He is gone from your home for a reason - I don't think that reason has changed any. He will just be trying to get his foot in the door, and I think you may already know this by your sense of fear of the proposition. Once you rescue him this time, there will be just 'one more thing' he will ask, and make it sound so reasonable to you, and you will already have given in a bit anyways....well that is exactly how my A came back 4 times!
Maybe it will be better if you can think of your gma's passing as not you losing her...you have gained a guardian angel who loves you and is with you always, and truly wanting the very best of everything for you. Instead of thinking of him, think of what your angel gma would want for you and do that.
I know what comes up for me when I read your post was that I still even after all the stuff that the A has done to me which has meant that I had to flee my home many a time, get sick, exhaust my savings and more would not turn my back on him and let him starve. His mother has and will. I would not. I do set limits these days but I do not hurt him in the same way he did to me. I would not yet get to a point where I would say I will have nothing to do with him. And by rights I should be there but there is still an affection for him that has not gone yet. I think it has some days but other days I know that I still have an attachment to him that is probably not necessarily good for me. Of course I am also not in a position to move yet so maybe the attachment will dissipate when I am.
I know I would not see the A homeless but he would do that to me and has done it to me.
There are times when the A has been cold, unfeeling and cruel to me. I do not have that in me although he accuses me of that often. I have not gone out of my way to make him feel his home is not his. He projects, displaces and makes me his warden very very well.
I know you are well aware the A knows you will not say no to him. It maybe be for 10 days it is bearable for you but it also sounds like it is bringing up some of the rage from when he abandoned you. Perhaps that needs to be brought up and brought out and looked at again. I know I have a lot of rage at my A for his actions, his ineptitude and his neglect. I know it is there and at different times I need to take it out and look at it and note it and not necessarily direct my rage at him but acknowledge it because in my subconscious it often turns back on myself.
