The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a pretty good day going. I had set plans to go to my local Al Anon meeting & I was looking forward to it. I got a call from my Alcoholic and immediately my radar went off. She sounded animated and somewhat stressed. I have been struggling with interpreting my "new wife's" new attitude and disposition. As my readings regarding expectations tell me, emotions change. Frankly, when she is stressed she is probably scared. But to me it sounds frightfully like her tone when she drank in the past. It's like a switch was turned on in my system. I shifted into panic, fear and control mode. Thankfully I pushed on and got to my meeting on time. Tonight's topic was centered on the lasting effects of alcoholism on the families. As I sat and listened to the round table I reflected on my own situation. A room full of men married to alcoholics, talking about their need to take control, hyper-controllers, fixers, just like myself. I talked about my ever present fear and the need to take an active role in pushing my wife to work harder on her program. Then it dawned on me that earlier, when talking to my wife, I had kept poking her, trying to get her to either prove to me that she was not drinking or (worst of all) admit that she was. Now that tells you just how damaging this disease can be for us as loved ones. We almost hope that our alcoholic will be honest and tell us exactly what we fear most. That they are drinking again. Our addiction of choice tends to be the need to control. I now see the power of Al Anon and the invaluable support experienced in the face to face meetings. Had I not gone to the meeting I probably would be sitting here convincing myself of the worst, filling in the blanks and in all likeliness being wrong. Instead I am sitting here thanking my HP for the enlightenment and praying that in His own way he will help my wife find her path. Sure I still worry, but lifting the burden of false responsibility lessens the load. Thanks for reading
What a great share and what a great meeting you had. It sounds to me as if you got what you needed and maybe more...
In my world of disease, even basic questions that I intend to be harmless and/or basic communication are met with resistance. I remember before I arrived, I just wanted to be a normal family and have normal dialogues. Boy howdy - that was one heckova stretch for what we are capable of.
It's gotten better as I've been able to surrender and own my powerlessness. Not to say that the desire for 'normal' doesn't still creep in, it does. But, with the support and love and fellowship from this program, I've come to accept the reality and have great peace with it.
There are so many things in my life I would not have had I not landed in Al-Anon. I have more peace and serenity than ever before. I have a solid core group of trusted friends that I can call anytime about anything without any judgement. I have found my joy again, just in different ways/places that I ever thought before.
So - your post reminds me of the miracles of this program. You said it yourself - what you might have been doing IF you had not gone to your meeting as planned.
Thank you for sharing....very, very excellent reminder of the power of this program!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks! And FYI she just called, told me she had just ended her AA meeting, was chatting with AA friends (one smoke) and heading home. Turning to the HP and leaving it in His hands has put me in a better place while my wife ended up where she needed to be. Very cool.
Hi Bill,
Thank you so much for sharing your ESH, very encouraging. I completely relate to the feelings you shared about that instant when you sense old drinking behavior and fear grips you like a vise, and the hunt ensues. AlAnon resources are the only ones that have allowed me to become aware of my role in this interaction, and most importantly, how step back, remove myself from another's business, and focus on myself.
So glad to hear about your program successes, I wish you well on your continued journey of discovery and growth
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Woo-hoo! At times like this, I do realize often how my brain processes and how grateful I am for the program.
(((Hugs))) to you both...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Bill,
Glad to hear your wife is in recovery, and that you are too.
Seems you are making progress. It seems when we are at Alanon face to face or reading Alanon material, we realize that we need to act accordingly, but
sometimes to put it action is harder .
keep working it, and it will come automatically. The thing is we have to find serenity whether they are drinking or not...Our happiness should not depend on their sobriety. Unless you have reached your limit and that is your boundary. Just one more time, and I'm out of here. One thing I know is when you love an alcoholic and you realize that your a part of the dynamic and stay on the path. You somehow grow, whether you stay together or not, you can't help but expand your life.
That is a promise..
Keep coming back, hugs, Bettina
Wow, this really is what I needed. My wife just returned from 35 days at rehab and I am struggling to read every tone in her voice when we speak on the phone. I got really good at telling when she was drinking unfortunately. I'm debating whether to leave work early to see how she is (under the guise of some lame excuse) since its her first day back on her own. I've been to about 5 Al Anon meetings so I'm learning to let go and take care of myself but its not easy...especially with the new hopes of a real recovery. I do know that the more I push, the more she backs away so I really need to let go. Thanks for your post!
Yes, I need to be happy whether or not my spouse is sober but I am almost positive that I could never live with her if she continues to relapse. I couldn't take it having a pit in my stomach every time I call or come home. Financially, socially, emotionally. Part of taking care of me would be taking myself out of the situation rather than fooling myself into thinking I could change something. It would be a sad day, one that I probably wouldn't have the strength to do, but one that I know would be necessary. I'm praying things go well.
This is an inspiring share. I used to agonize about whether my recovering A was drinking again, until I realized that if he was, it would show up soon enough. In my case sadly my A did relapse and stay relapsed, but the "good" news is that I did not have to do any sneaking or worrying to figure it out - it could not be hidden. (After all, if they could act like completely normal and reasonable people when they're drunk, we wouldn't have a problem with them being drunk, right?) So keeping the focus on ourselves is the path to serenity, because whether they're sober or not, it will all be revealed.
