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Post Info TOPIC: this should be a relief, but it isn't


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
this should be a relief, but it isn't


My husband and I have been married for over 5 years. For at least the past 3 years I have suspected his is an alcoholic. I have confronted him more times than i can even count. He always denied, said I had the problem with his drinking not him, said everyone drinks, said he doesn't miss work because of drinking, doesn't drink and drive, doesn't hit me, etc... He drinks more nights than he doesn't and it is usually a 6 pack (or more). I know the moment he is drunk, his whole persona changes. He becomes belligerent and just not himself. His drinking has made me not enjoy wine like I used to. I used to drink one or two glasses maybe twice a week, now I rarely drink. Mind you, my confrontations with regards to his drinking aren't always handled in the best manner. I have threatened to leave him numerous times, I have done it all. I settled into the mindset that his drinking was a part of life that I would never understand. I try not to talk to him much when he is drinking, I disengage. We even went to counseling last year and the counselor pretty much told me I was the problem and not him. He has promised to cut back, only drink one 6 pack a week, and more but he always falls back... he never planned on keeping those promises and even said he just agreed to get me off his back. I just wanted him to admit that he is an alcoholic.

I got a text from him last week on my busiest day at work. Mind you, it was 12:30 in the afternoon and he had to be at work at 1pm. The text was "Can you come home? I drank beers and took Vicodin. i have a problem." I think my heart stopped for a solid minute when I read that. I called him hoping he was joking. He was crying when he answered. I told him to drink water, after learning he only took one pill, and told him I was on my way. I got home and he confessed to way more than I was expecting. I counted the Vicodin and there was only one missing, i even made sure all the pills were Vicodin, so I knew he only took one. He said he had 4 beers and vodka. I asked him what about work, he said he called out for a few hours. He had stopped drinking 2 hours before calling me and took the Vicodin because he knew that would get me home. He said for at least the past 8 months he drinks as soon as I leave for work. If he has to go to work later in the day he naps and then goes to work. If he has to work early he waits till he gets home to drink and usually has a 24 oz beer prior to drinking his six pack. That is why he always seems drunker than he should be. He says he drives drunk to get more beer and does not know how he has not gotten a DUI. I cried so much that day and every day since then. He has this whole other life that i did not know about. I had prepared myself for the day he would admit he has a problem, i had not prepared myself that it would be way worse than I ever imagined. I don't even know who the real guy is anymore. I am hurt, angry, sad, lost, scared, confused and so much more. I feel duped and lied to and that hurts the most.

I called a therapist the next day. It was one my step-daughter has been seeing for her issues and I trust her. I called because i wanted to go and talk to her. She can see me in two days. i told my husband and he wants to go too. i told him he can go but he needs to seek help on his own as well. I found an Al-Anon meeting to go to Thursday night so I am hopeful for me. I know this is the disease and not about our relationship, but i can't feel that way in my heart. In my heart i feel betrayed and disrespected and i don't know to fix that. 

I hope he gets the help he says he is going to get. I told him if he thought admitting the problem was all it took then he was mistaken. Maybe I should not have said this, but I told him if he does not seek help I will not stay. I also told him he needs to tell his parents (and maybe his sisters) since we cannot go through this without their support. Even if he doesn't need them, I need then and my family as well.

I am trying to be cautiously optimistic.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1400
Date:

Paisley, I am so glad you and your husband plan to see a therapist and that you have al Alanon meeting scheduled. You are on a very good track, even though this is a terribly stressful time. I had that same feeling of panic when discovering the drinking was worse than I thought, and the A implying that it was just me who had a problem with his drinking Alanon has some great tools to help us get through this with sanity. One day at a time.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1661
Date:

Paisley75, welcome to MIP and so glad you had the courage to
share with us. You made the best decision ever, to go to Al-
anon meetings. What you have described, as far as your
husband is concerned, is very sad and very typical. He will
have to make his own decision to stop drinking. Al-anon
teaches that we, as family/friends of alcoholics are powerless
over the disease, and that we cannot control, cure or cause
the alcoholic to drink or stop, it is up to them. We also
learn that because we are powerless over the disease that
we must let go and let God take care of them and us.
You are on the right path and will discover, in Al-anon,
that there is hope, peace and serenity.  smile  

Please keep coming back!



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 61
Date:

Welcome Paisley! I think many of us can definitely relate to being blamed and not realizing how bad the problem really was. It's a part of many of our stories. It sounds like you've taken the right steps by reaching out to a therapist and finding an Al Anon meeting. It might be a long road with many twists and turns in front of you, but at least you're at the wheel now! Keep coming back!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Welcome Paisley Alanon face to face meetings will offer you great support as you walk this difficult road.
Please keep coming back here as well. There is hope and help.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Paisley74 - I too welcome you to MIP! Glad you found us and so sorry about the circumstances.

Al-Anon can and will provide you the support and tools you need to manage your life in spite of what he does/doesn't do. It's a wonderful fellowship - I would be so very lost without it.

I too encourage you to get involved and start digesting the information, tools, etc.

I agree with those above me - there is hope and help and wanted you to know you are not alone.

Keep coming back - we're just a post away!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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