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Hi! I have been in Al-Anon for a year and currently have a sponsor with whom I work the steps (on step 8). I attend two meetings a week. One is my home group and the other is an open AA meeting. I semi-regularly attend a "How Al-Anon works" book study. I hold a service position in my home group.
When I came into the program I got a sponsor quite quickly, but switched when she had a baby. She had said she would be able to sponsor in two weeks time, which I knew was not likely to be possible for her, haha. I tried a few other people as a temporary sponsor, but after a month felt like I was adrift and not connecting while missing my previous sponsor who showed no signs of being able to sponsor me. I asked a woman in my home group to be my sponsor after talking with my first sponsor and letting her know I needed to find something permanent with another person. With both of my sponsors, I wanted what they had and was willing to go to any length to get it. Both had stories that were similar enough to mine to really help get me through some rough spots.
In the beginning with my second sponsor I started to not like her and had trouble respecting her, but I realized that she had 6 years in the program, was in a strong prolific sponsorship line out of California (we're no where near), and while I may not be friends with her normally and there were things I didn't like about her, she had so much to offer me and I should be grateful for the opportunity to learn from her experience, strength and hope. I've been a negative, isolated person most of my life so this was a big step and I feel like we have a good relationship.
Two things are now becoming apparent to me, however. In our Al-Anon group we have a lot of "double winners". And they all sponsor somewhat like AA sponsors. They're also all about sponsorship lines, and theirs dominates the group. Basically my sponsor is the ONLY outlier. I literally realized this yesterday. And I thought "well that's odd". This thought process started because I heard people talking about a "Relationships study" group that was only open to people of that sponsorship line. Not technically a meeting, I guess. But I felt isolated. And normally I never thought about how all of these people seemed like such close friends and I thought the reason I wasn't close was because I was still very new compared to them, but then I started remembering all these comments about sponsorship lines and sponsorship sisters with the intonation that this was very important. I am not questioning my sponsor's decisions to find her sponsor outside of her group. It seems however, that it was not made clear upon joining that there was such a large sponsorship line and that there were social consequences for not being in it. My first sponsor was in this line, and she had recommended I find someone that was in her line. I never realized the implications of choosing a sponsor outside of that line. My partner, who is in AA, suggested that this was a legitimate reason to part ways with my sponsor if it made me feel uncomfortable to be so outside. I feel upset that there are sponsorship line only events when there's only two lines and my sponsor has 3 people, including me in a group that's 30-40 strong.
Worse, if I leave my sponsor and this is the reason, it's obvious I am joining the other sponsorship line. I wanted to be one of those people who stuck to the relationship with my sponsor for a long time. Not a sponsor-jumper because I hear or experience things "I don't want to hear or be involved with".
The next thing is that my sponsor is involved with what amounts to a fitness MLM (pyramid scheme). I do love her, but she's often mentioned to me that finances are tight right now and I have to wonder why this decision is being made. Getting healthy doesn't require you to pay someone exorbitant amounts to do so, only so you can pass on those costs to other unsuspecting persons who in turn have to pass their overbearing costs to others. That's the definition of a pyramid scheme! This is irresponsible. And I've definitely made irresponsible decisions, I know. So who I am I to judge. I haven't said anything to her about it. Her partner, who has 10 years in AA is also involved in this. Is this MMOB?
I have no idea what to do, or if there's nothing to do. Maybe I could try to find more ways to be social within the group, etc.
Hello Ashley - welcome to MIP. So very glad you are here and so glad you found your courage to share.
I personally do not have experience with the whole sponsorship lineage. My A son attends a group where this is alive and very active. I find it very, very different but I don't have any judgment as I've not personally experienced it.
What I will share is when there is a break-down/conflict, it affects many, many people. I don't entirely know what happened in his group, but I do know that he became very upset over 'it' and actually stopped attending meetings. He ended up relapsing (this is AA, vs. Al-Anon). I do not blame the group, the sponsorship design or anyone about the relapse. I am just saying that something happened and it caused a huge issue with the entire fellowship.
I have outgrown sponsors in both sides of the program (AA/Al-Anon). There is no difference in the sponsorship role between the two that I've been told of. My role as a sponsor is to guide and support the recovery of someone who wants to grow in the program. Not a difficult job/role to me. My role as a sponsee is to listen with an open mind and do what is suggested IF I want to grow in the program. Both roles should include honesty, open-mindedness and integrity.
So, based on observation, the sponsorship lineage would not be 'my cup of tea'. I prefer the direct one/one contact I have with a trusted program person who walks the walk and talks the talk. I am very lucky to have a sponsor with more than 40 years in both programs (she and I are double winners). She is also a licensed counselor so I feel as if I struck gold!!!
She's so humble and so spiritual, I seriously want to be her when I grow up - not 'like' her! I am so very grateful that she was put into my life when she was.
I go to meetings to support my program. Fellowship beyond those walls is a secondary 'gift' if I choose it. It's not required for recovery and I am one who puts distance between myself and 'private groups'. I just find this out of character for the program principals, so it's a personal preference/choice. I will often participate if it's open to all/anyone as that feels more 'program-like' for me.
So - sorry for the long post but my best suggestion for you is to pray about it and then do what is right for you. Not the group, not your sponsor(s), but you. After all, this is your personal journey and those who travel with you are a gift, not a requirement.
Keep coming back and what a great topic for discussion! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Ashley I too would be very uncomfortable with such an arrangement. I have been in Al-Anon for over 30 years and have honestly never encountered the situation or practice. Just as you say, many of these members are double winners,and it might be an AA practice that they brought over into the Al-Anon program.
The sponsor sponsoring relationship is one of mutual trust and growth. I have many sponsee who don't even know each other, even though they attend the same meetings. Al-Anon suggests that if you're not comfortable with your sponsor it is perfectly acceptable to change.
There is a pamphlet called;Sponsorship what's it all about"which could prove very helpful as well as looking up the topic in the ODA T or C2C.
One added thought - the sponsorship lineage is not typical in AA either. I recalled after I walked away from this that the one group here (KS) that practices this was started by a couple from CA....it's the only AA group I know of who does it and I've been to many....so, perhaps it's specific to a region.
My only point in sharing - it's not typical to AA either as might be thought...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Ashley That sounds so much like powerlessness and unmanageability for me which drives me back toward working the program with just one Higher Power which my sponsorship is not and neither is anyone else. I know what insanity looks like, sounds like and feels like so whenever I'm sensing it in or out of the program I stop what I'm doing and do the opposite. If the relationship isn't helpful for me it isn't sponsorship. Do what is right. You sound so Akamai...errr smart and experienced trust your program. To thine own self be true. ((((hugs))))
I think I will stick with my current sponsor. I am starting to suspect that it's only one woman in that sponsorship line who is making such a big deal about it, and likely does not realize how non-inclusive she is or doesn't think about how it may hurt others' feelings. It isn't anything I can control, and changing sponsors to be in that line wouldn't make me feel any better, and likely worse. So I'm just going to give it over.
I do not think I am entirely comfortable anyone, because I am still not entirely comfortable with myself. But like Jerry said, if you sense insanity, do the opposite of what you're doing. And what I was doing/going to do was run away from the problem instead of accepting that no one is perfect. Her character defects don't mean that I have nothing to learn from her.
I do like my sponsor. But I definitely feel outside the group because of this other sponsorship line. I will likely say something to my sponsor about it and see what her experience is.
Thanks for all the help! I never thought a forum like this would be so active!
